Unanswered [0] / Featured [0] / Urgent [0]
 

Home / Writing Feedback /     

"War Is Hell" - English Descriptive Essay


answers: 2
War is hell

Let me show you the tip of the iceberg, the entrance to hell. The first thing you will notice is the pungent smell of dead rotting flesh, from all of your fallen comrades and enemies. The cool wind that blows around you doesn't seem to help to get rid of the disgusting smell, in fact, it brings in additional smells: smells of dust, smoke and blood from the surrounding area. These smells bring in feelings of anxiousness and nervousness as you have no idea if you are the next ....
SEE BELOW



Word count: 632

I have some weird advice that may or may not be good advice... I think you should cut this first sentence.
Let me show you the tip of the iceberg, the entrance to hell. "War is hell" is a cliche. But if you start the essay with that second sentence the reader wll really enjoy the fact that you did not spoon feed the meaning.

Whenever you use 2 or more adjectives in a row, use a comma. For example.
... small, scared child...
...cold, metallic handle

I don't know if I like that ending. It makes it seem like you are describing a video game. Anyway, as a descriptive essay I think this is pretty solid!

One way to improve it is like this: Change the main idea of the essay so that instead of "war is hell" you give it a slightly different main idea. Something more unique. And it is okay to use an image as the main idea of the essay. :-)
I agree either get rid of the first sentence or switch it up a little to make it work. I have made a few changes to your essay as to how i would do it. Read it over it's pretty much the same with a few changes. Hope it helps a litte.





War is hell

The first thing you will notice is the pungent smell of dead, rotting, flesh from all of your fallen comrades and enemies. The cool wind that blows around you doesn't seem to help to get rid of the disgusting smell, in fact it brings additional smells; Smells of dust, smoke and blood from the surrounding area. These smells bring in feelings of anxiousness and nervousness as you have no idea if you are the next target, will you be joining those already scattered on the ground in pieces after the next massive explosion.

As you venture further into hell the screams and shouts from nearby soldiers gets progressively louder. Gunshots and explosions are sounding closer as you continue creeping further into depths of hell. Debris from explosions are landing closer and closer around you.

You finally reach a friendly base that is under enemy fire, a young soldier quickly pulls you down to the ground by your shoulder just as a bullet flies over your head ricocheting off the tree several meters behind you. As you start to move from the ground to a nearby cover dodging bullets and grenades the adrenalin you have been waiting for to kick in has finally decided to take part, making your senses more aware than before and speeding everything up giving you the strength to continue and allowing you to forget about the foul taste of dirt and the half destroyed cigarette in your mouth.

You find cover and cower in fear hiding like a small scared child, the sounds of machine guns and explosives are all around you; You are terrified, even the adrenalin rush is not enough to calm you down.

As you look up, you notice the shiny, metallic bullet shells, freshly spewed blood, body parts and debris splattered all over the ground. An unknown friendly soldier collapses as his head was just blown off by an enemy sniper in the distance.

His M16 with a fully loaded magazine is within your reach; You grab the weapon's cold, metallic, handle getting ready to spring up, aim down the sight and kill the first enemy you spot. You get up and start shooting like a rookie in training, spraying bullets everywhere. While you are shooting this gun you notice the spent bullet casings ejecting out of the chamber and landing on the ground next to you. The soft metallic clinging sound and the smell of gunpowder overpowers your nose, distracting you from important matters at hand and then a THUD!

Realizing you have been shot you drop to the ground behind the cover. You look over to your left shoulder and see where the bullet hit you. You feel the warm blood that starts running down your arm and see the bullet still imbedded into your shoulder. The pain is so unbearable that you start screaming and shouting for a medic to come and rescue you; Hearing your screams he rushes over to your side and pulls you to a safer location. He then examines your shoulder, pulling out the bullet with a pair of pliers as you begin to fall unconscious from the blood loss.

Before you are completely unconscious and as the gunfire comes to a rest you hear the sound of the helicopters landing nearby and collecting all the wounded soldiers, including yourself. You later awake and notice that you are in a helicopter 10,000 feet up in the air, the cool wind blows over your blood covered body. The pilot then powers up the radio and the sounds of a classic Vietnam song(Fortunate Son by Creedance Clearwater) plays; Bringing you happiness as you are hurt but still alive, as you are on your way out of hell.



Home / Writing Feedback /

Thread closed ✓