visitors going to music sites / sales and prices of Coca Cola - IELTS Writing task 1

Hi guys, I need reviews for my reports on writing task 1 of ielts test. I very much appriciate your helps. thank you very much.
1) The graph below compares the number of visits to two new music sites on the web.

Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.
You should write at least 150 words.

Answer:
Numbers of visitors going to two recently-launched music sites, namely Music Choice and Pop Parade, in the period of 15 days are illustrated in the line graph. It is clear that these figures are volatile for both websites, with slight growths toward the end of the period.

In the first three days, the numbers of Pop Parade's guesses stay around 120.000. However, this figure reduced gradually until the fifth day, then rising slowly on the next day but suddenly reaching its bottom on the day after that, at lower than 40.000. There was a little change from 7th to 9th day before Pop Parade gained popularity on 11th day for having more than 140.000 visits. This dropped sharply to 80.000 on 13th day before recovering remarkably and peaking at over 160.000 in the end.

By comparison, Music Choice had only a third as many audiences as Pop Parade at the beginning, and half of its even left on the next day. Though Music Choice saw a considerable jump in visitors on the third day, it was unable to keep them afterward; just let the numbers of viewers fluctuate between 20.000 and 40.000 till the 11th day. On the 12th day, statistic had a dramatically increase in visitors of Music Choice, and for the first time, it had higher views than Pop Parade. Varying slightly two days after that, the figure of viewers finally fell to below 80.000 on the last day of the report.

In short, both websites received unstable visits, and Pop Parade's viewers are always greater than Music Choice's, except for the 12th and 13th day.

2) The chart and graph below give information about sales and share prices for Coca-Cola.
Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.
You should write at least 150 words.
You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.

Answer:
The pie chart presents the proportion of Coca-Cola's bottles fizzling consumed by five regions (namely North America, Africa and Middle East, Asia, Europe, and Latin America) in 2000, and the line chart shows the variation of Coca-Cola's share price between 1996 and 2001.

It is apparent that in 2000 Coca-cola's fizzling drinks are better sold in North America than in other parts of the world ( khong biet la bo "in 2000" co duoc khong vi to so lap tu nhieu qua). Coca-Cola's share price had fluctuated and peaked its top point in 1998.

In the first year of twenty century, Coca-cola sold a total of 17.1 billion cases of their fizzling product worldwide. North America (30.4 %) and Latin America (25.7 %), which totally accounted for over a half of the consumption were the main markets of the company. Europe and Asia followed with the moderate numbers of consumers, making up 20.5% and 16.4% respectively. The smallest volume was sold in Africa and Middle East, only 7.0% of the total sales.

Coca-cola's share price was only a bit over 30$ in 1996. It increased steadily to approximate 70$ in 1997, followed by a slightly fall in mid-1997 before peaked at 80$ per share in 1998. Since then, its value declined gradually but there was a small growth in mid-2000.

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  Figure for the first task
  
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  Figure for the second task
  

Your essay seems descriptive but there are few grammatical mistakes like "the number" instead of numbers, and illustrated "by the graph" and instead of in the first few days, maybe you could simply mention "during the first few days". and when you said saw a considerable jump, may be you could another word like considerable rise. if you check the flow and use more professional words, i am sure the essay would turn out to be more accurate and prompt.

:)

the numbers of Pop Parade's guesses stay around 120.000 = he numbers of Pop Parade's guests stays around 120.000

this figure reduced gradually until the fifth day, then rising slowly but suddenly reaching its bottom on the day after that, at lower than 40.000 = ... then it rose ... but suddenly it reached. I think then + V-ing if the verb before then is in form of V-ing also.

In the first year of twenty century= twenty first century (2001)