IELTS: Using a computer everyday may affect children negatively

Dear moderators and users, I am starting a new thread as the previous one with the same topic is now closed. I need to score a 7 in writing part of IELTS, but i am stuck at 6.5 with no clue on how to improve my writing and what mistakes I am making. It would be really nice if some of you could review my essay and point out my mistakes. Thanks in advance.

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Using a computer everyday can have negative effects on your children.

Due to the pervasive growth of Information Technology, computers have become a part and parcel of our lives, and due to this children are being trained from an early age to develop skills for it. Today we find most of the young kids hooked onto computers. This early and over exposure to computers has already caused a lot of harm and would cause further damage if not checked in time. I have the following reasons to believe so.

Firstly most of the kids prefer to play computer games rather than going for outdoor sports. Spending some time on computer games is okay however continuously playing for long hours would cause fatigue, irritability, loss of concentration etc. Lack of physical activity is also causing increase in obesity among young children.

Secondly, due to extended time spent on computers children do not interact much with others. This causes underdevelopment of social skills. In extreme cases it might also lead a child to become totally recluse and socially avert. At a later stage it might not be possible to change the behavior of such an individual.

Third and a less critical issue is that children who rely on computers for everything will not learn the concept of research. Since information is so easily available on the internet and Wikipedia specifically, there is no need for going through tons of research papers to prepare an essay or the kind. In a way it is good that information is so easily accessible but it does subdue the importance of learning to gather information.

In the end I would like to summarize that even though it is necessary to train children in computer skills, but over exposure would cause long term damage. Parents and teachers need to ensure that children learn to balance their real life vs. the virtual world of computers.

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Please note that,
Avoid using "due to " repeatedly,
Due to the pervasive DEVELOPMENT IN information Technology, computers have become a part and parcel of our lives,THUS A LOT OF children are being trained AT an early age to GET the COMPUTER LITERACY.

Today, IT IS FOUND OUT THAT most of the young CHILDREN ARE hooked on computers, EVENTUALLY CAUSING OVER exposure to computers. IF NO ACTION IS TAKEN AT THE CORRECT TIME IT would cause further damage to IN the Health related issues .

Spending time on computer games is ACCEPTED for a given time. However, SITTING INFRONT OF THE SCREEN FOR A long PERIOD of time would cause fatigue, irritability AND loss of concentration. Lack of physical activity CAN cause obesity among young children.

Since FINDING OF information on the internet is so easy THAT there is no need Of going through tons of research papers to prepare an essay or A DESARTATION.

Dear mhss, thank you very much for your detailed feedback :-). I have one question regarding my writing/essay, do you think the original version was worth a band 7 in IELTS ?

Thanks Abhilash.

...develop skills for using computers and their applications.


.... very good point.
This early and over exposure to computers have already caused lots of harm to children and my further damage if this issue is not addressed promptly.


... I think you need not to say this. The body paras well describe your reasons. :)


Good essay... you have very good ideas, vocabulary and sentence structures :)
Good luck!