Kitakaname, You have a 600 character limit on this essay. I suggest you reclaim some of the character space by deleting
In the United States, more than 700,000 newcomers are said to immigrate from around the world each year; this create a diverse community I rarely see in Japan.
You can instead reword it to become shorter by saying
" The United States is home to thousands of immigrants that create a diverse community that does not yet exist in Japan." . I also have a suggestion to further improve your last few sentences:
By learning American Studies, I want to capture the cultural and ethnical heritage immigrants bring into the American society from the global perspective. With its renowned department, UM-Twin Cities will give me valuable opportunities to explore America in an interdisciplinary way. In the future, I will engage in teaching youth in Japan so that my country can become more tolerate community than ever.
- The excitement of this diverse community and the lessons I learn from American Studies are what I hope to bring back to Japan in the hopes of further enlivening our communities that are experiencing its own immigration boom at the moment.So my suggestion is to make the statement flow this way:
The United States is home to thousands of immigrants that create a diverse community that does not yet exist in Japan. The excitement of this diverse community and the lessons I learn from American Studies are what I hope to bring back to Japan in the hopes of further enlivening our communities that are experiencing its own immigration boom at the moment.The word count is 356 and presents a clearer and more definitive idea of what you plan to take back with you to Japan and why. Feel free to use my example as a basis for the revision of your statement if you feel it can help :-)