Unanswered [12] / Urgent [0]
 

Home / Writing Feedback /     

trying new things or doing the same?


answers: 4
Sep 25, 2010, 12:20pm   #1
Hi,
Please give me a feedback for the following;

QUESTION; Some people like to do only what they already do well. Other people prefer to try new things and take risks. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

I would like to try new things as opposed to repeating the same old thing. Trying new things is no doubt would involve high risk. Despite this fact, however, I prefer to face new challenges rather than following a routine.

The main reason why I like to try new things is my character. I am, by nature, an adventurous person. My mother is used to say that she struggled hard to stop me climbing trees when I was small. In our culture, the girls do not engage in such boisterous activities. May be I displayed my character from my childhood itself.

The second reason is that I do not like to hinder my chances of progressing in life due to the fear of taking risks. There is a saying that "Higher the risks, higher the returns are". Therefore, I always look forward to grabbing an opportunity that would help me progress in life. This is why I left my previous employer; I worked for a bank in the capacity of a manager. My job was rather routine and also did not offer me any opportunity to progress further. The bank has a policy that one must complete four years in the same position to be eligible for the next promotion. I was too upset about this policy and felt it was wasting my time. Although I was paid a good salary, I left the bank and started my own business.

The third reason is that I am a hard working person. Therefore I do not like to idle time. I always want to engage in some activity which is a great motivation for me. Therefore, I do not really look forward to falling into a comfort zone. When I am doing my own business, I have hardly any time to relax. It is very challenging and spontaneous and keeps me motivated.
Therefore, for a person like me, it is very difficult to engage in routine tasks although they impose very little risks on you. I would always look forward to facing new challenges no matter how hard they are.

You use the word "therefore" too often. This essay seems a little forced...like you obviously placed your thoughts into three catagories and they don't mesh well together. I would focus less on a "1-3-1" style and think about what kind of message you are trying to give your reader. More than almost anything else, you want to wow and impress them. While the content of this has the potential to impress, the way you expressed it sounds a bit mundane. I would try to make it flow a little better with different sentence structures, and think about how to say what you've basically said, but with more pizzaz.

-Mags
Trying new things is no doubt would involves high risk.

Despite this fact, however, I prefer to face new challenges rather than following a routine.--- good sentence!

... struggled hard to stop me from climbing trees when I was small.

In our culture, the girls do not engage in such boisterous activities. ---- I hate it when adults perpetuate gender inequality by raising boys and girls with different standards!

I left the bank and started my own business.----- Is that true? Congratulations! I like your way of thinking...

Here is a good way to use "building"
When I am doing building my own business, I have hardly any time to relax.

...tasks although they impose very few risks on you. I would always look forward to facing new challenges no matter how hard they are.
I think a good way to add value to your essay would be to back it with examples. You state how great trying new things is, but it becomes more meaningful if you state a time that you took a risk by trying something new and found success



Home / Writing Feedback /

Thread closed ✓