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traditional foods vs international fast food (which is bad)


answers: 5
Aug 15, 2009, 02:00am   #1
Topic: In many countries, traditional foods are being replaced by international fast food. This is having a negative effect on both families and societies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

With the invasion of international fast food chains, a lot of recent surveys find that the escalating numbers of people, especially young people, are spending more time consuming fast food instead of traditional food in recent years. The phenomenon has raised questions about whether or not it will negatively affect families and societies. For my part, the popularity of international fast food has adverse impacts on families and societies.

On the one hand, although the fast food companies, like Macdonald's, KFC seem to be more concerned about healthy diet by offering more nutritional options on the menu, recent research date show that the majority of fast food have potential to pose health hazards, such as obesity and heart disease. And when increasing numbers of people develop these illnesses, they can become a burden on the healthcare system.

On the other hand, with the popularity of international fast food, it is generally acknowledged that families are now not as close as they used to be. Many children and teenagers are keen to hang out in fast food restaurants at the expense of staying at home to enjoy traditional food and table talk with their parents. And with children eating separately with their parents, communications among them can occasionally break down.

It is undeniable that international fast food is appealing to people. Diverse contributing factors can be identified, such as convenience, good atmosphere in the restaurants, etc. However, with the rapid development of technology, various cooking equipment (e.g. rice cooking machine, microwave) are designed for modern families with convenience. Besides that, domestic-based restaurants are paying more attention to create an enjoyable environment to compete with their foreign-based counterparts.

To sum up, given the above analysis, I am of the opinion that international fast food has negative impacts for both families and the whole community. The best way to keep families and societies together is for parents and their children to sit aside table for dinner every evening.

PS could u pls check the whole essay structure, expressions and grammatical errors 4 me. Thx.

Aug 15, 2009, 09:01am   #2
If this is a timed TOEFL or IELTS essay, this is fine. (For a more substantial essay, you would want to cite some supporting evidence for your arguments, of which there is plenty.) Your grammar is generally good and your essay structure is exactly what they are looking for on those tests.

I notice you tend to like passive constructions: "it is generally acknowledged," "it is undeniable," "diverse contributing factors can be identified." That's okay for this kind of test, but you will want to use active voice whenever possible when striving to write most effectively in other settings.
Aug 15, 2009, 12:14pm   #3
Some grammatical fixes for you:

"On the one hand, although the fast food companies, like McDonald's and KFC, seem to be more concerned about healthy diet by offering more nutritional options on the menu, recent research data show that the majority of fast foods have the potential to pose cause health problems hazards, such as obesity and heart disease."
Aug 15, 2009, 08:21pm   #4
EF_Simone
Thank you indeed. This is an IELTS essay, but it took me more than expected time to write it.
Aug 26, 2009, 08:56pm   #5
I think the using the 'On the other hand' transition phrase twice for two consecutive paragraphs is not good at all, isn't it?

I'm not sure but in my opinion, the 'On the other hand' transition phrase is often used when we want to add more points. It means that we shouldn't use it at the beginning of the first body paragraph.

Am I right?



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