Unanswered [1] / Urgent [0]
 

Home / Writing Feedback /     

IELTS Tourism: Advantages outweigh Disadvantages? 'setting restriction areas'


answers: 6
Jul 5, 2011, 11:21am   #1
I have to take IELTS exam on July 9. Please help me.
---------------------------------
As international travel becomes cheaper, more and more people travel and more countries open their doors for increasing numbers of tourists. What do you think? The advantages of tourism outweigh the disadvantages.


In an age of rampant globalization, 'tourism' enterprises has become hot issue throughout the world as more and more people have rooted the curiosity about the alien cultures at the other side of the world. At that point, some inhabitants point out that accepting a vast numbers of tourists to their land means they are unavoidably welcoming the threat to their beloved country. As far as I am concerned, 'tourism' may bring much more benefits than we have expected and should not fully banned in our modern society.
It cannot be argue the fact that our homeland is being spoilt by tourists. With the increasing amount of foreign visitors, the tour company tends to extend their markets by searching unusual and may be greener places for tourist attraction. As a consequence, that places are left as unpleasant are left as unpleasant areas filled with all kinds of garbage's and by-products from camping site of the tour groups. Moreover, the way they dress and behave might be imitated by indigenous young people who may lead to erosion of our own culture and also a loss of culture identify.
On the other hand, if we have well-educated attitude which can direct us only to learn their culture in order to gain proper understanding of the people different from us, the positive exchange between cultures and traditions can be appreciated. In addition, that might be a progress to promote our wonderful culture and breath-taking scenery proudly in the middle of the world.
The view from economics can also be taken into consideration in concerned with 'tourism' which can significantly give profits by means of foreign currency, the main stream of income for a nation. What is more, there have been sprung up of local shops around popular visited areas and therefore the rate of unemployment's can be cut down during tourist season.
All in all, although our valuable land may be suffered from environment pollution and loss of natural resources created by tourists, we should not neglect the outstanding beneficial effects that come together. From my point of view, government ought to impose rules and regulations by setting tourist-restriction areas as a protective shield for our mother land.

Hei Winnie! :D

Here are some corrections.

I suggest you look over the if clause briefly before your exam. I think you get to use it quite often through essays and speeches and such, so it would be good to know it.

And don't stress that much! Have a nice coffee before the exam or take a long, lazy shower or go for a run. Whatever helps you get rid of negative energy. You can do it, I'm sure of it! :D


In an age of rampant globalization, tourism enterprises have become a hot issue throughout the world ...

At that this point(the point you just made), some inhabitants point out(/remark on the fact; observe) that by accepting a vast numbers of tourists to their land means they are unavoidably welcoming the a threat to their beloved country. [I wouldn't use "by accepting ... tourists to their land", it sounds a bit wrong even though I'm not 100% sure if it is. You could write instead: "by allowing tourists to visit their homeland".]

As far as I am concerned(/The way I see it), 'tourism' tourism(there's really no need for the quotation marks) may bring much more benefits than we have expected and should not be fully banned in our modern society.

It cannot be argue upon the fact that our homeland is being spoilt by tourists. With the increasing amount of foreign visitors, the tour companyies tends to extend their markets by searching for unusual and may be, greener(/more appealing) places for to turn into new tourist attractions. As a consequence, that those places are left as unpleasant are left as become unpleasant areas filled with all kinds of garbage's and by-products from camping sites of the tour groups. Moreover, the way they(/visitors) dress and behave might be imitated by indigenous young people who may lead to the erosion of our own culture and also a to the loss of culture identify identity. [As if most countries do not have television to pervert their brains with. And if jungle people will see Lady Gaga, they will be most likely to run away, not imitate her, since they tend to be quite conservative in their ways. I also wanted to ask you "How could modernized indigens ruin our culture?" But then I decided to stick with: "What culture?"]

On the other hand*, if we have had a well-educated(/resonable) attitude which can could direct us to only to learn about their(/another) culture in order to gain a proper understanding of the people different from us, the positive exchange between cultures and traditions can could be appreciated(/possible)(it's much more important that something is possible before it's appreciated). In addition, that might be(/indicate) a progress to in promoting our wonderful cultures and breath-taking sceneries proudly in the middle of the world (?). [What you're suggesting is completely unrealistic. You cannot manipulate people into being what you want them to be. And success automatically implies great advertising and promoting. At least cut that "might" out of the last sentence.]

The view from economics economists can also be taken into consideration in concerned with tourism which can significantly give profits by means of foreign currency, the main stream of income for a nation. (/From a strictly economical perspective, tourism being great benefits. One of them would be the opportunity to significantly increase profits by luring visitors to spend their money.) What is more, there have been sprung up of local shops around popular visited areas and therefore the rate of unemployment's can be cut down during tourist season.

All in all, although our valuable land(/countries) may be suffered suffer from environmental pollution and loss of natural resources created by tourists, we should not neglect the outstanding beneficial effects that come together(with what?). From my point of view, governments ought to impose rules and regulations by setting tourist-restriction area as a protective shield for our mother land(/that stop tourism from developing in all areas of a country -- your sentence has more soul to it and that I couldn't achieve, sorry). [What? Completely interdicting tourism is something really bad. And I personally believe that not all areas of a country will be invaded by commercialism. For example, I love hiking and I've always gone hiking with people who love the mountains and won't pollute the surroundings or something. It is obvious that all idiots will want to go to wonderful beaches, because it represents luxury. If you'd ask me, I'd say tourism heavily relies on proper promoting. If you know how to present a region, you can attract the right crowd there.]


*- I was going to point out, that you must use "on the one hand" before using "on the other hand", but I've seen people employ "on the other hand" by itself quite a lot, so I'm wondering: Does the old rule apply? Or is it allowed to use "on the other hand" alone? If anyone could answer this, that would be great!
Jul 6, 2011, 02:55am   #3
My English is not great. However, I believe that "on the other hand" can only be use if you are making a contrast/comparison towards a point you made before. It just doesn't seem to make sense if you have "on the other hand" without having something on one hand to compare. Just my 2 cents
Jul 6, 2011, 11:01am   #5
Here is my advise~

It seems that each paragragh just list some points, but laking the logical linking with the other~~

keep pratice~~
Winnie, this might sound silly, but before you start writing an essay take 5 minutes to put your ideas down in a scheme or diagram. It will help you organise your thoughts better and improve on flow and coherence.



Home / Writing Feedback /

Thread closed ✓