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TOELF: Thomas Edison - One famous person you would like to meet


answers: 6
Hi all, its my first post here. I hope you can help me to improve my writing.
Feel free to give me your advices about everything - content, clarity, punctuation, grammar etc. Just everything you think is good to be modified, in order to write better essays for TOEFL.
Thank you all in advance.

The topic is "If you could travel back in time to meet a famous person from history,what person would you like to meet? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice."

This is pretty short essay but its one of my first tries. Here it is :


If I could meet a famous person form history, this definitely would be Thomas Edison. His inventions changed the history and the way people live nowadays. I would learn lots of thing from him and this would motivate me in my future work as electronic engineer.

Thomas Edison originated the generation and implementation of electric power. This was crucial invention for the modern industrialized world. I can hardly imagine what would the world be now, if there wasn't electricity.

In addition to the electrical generation, Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, which was great implementation of the electrical energy. Before his discovery, this type of energy was known to people, but there wasn't any practical usage of it. After that, every singe man on the planet could take advantage of having light all night long.

Furthermore, Edison invented the telegraph the forerunner of all well known telecommunication systems. Without his inventions, there would be neither television nor internet. I want to know what made him to think in this direction, why he devoted his time to work for something, which was considered impossible.

All in all, the inventions of Thomas Edison are great push for science and I consider him one of the greatest men in written history. I would like to meet him and talk about his thoughts and what inspired him. This would be a breath-stopping experience, which would motivate me to learn more about electricity and electronics.

240 Words

...I would learn lots of things from......motivate me in my work as an electronic engineer in the future. (Maybe you should pay more attention to the use of indefinite article. I just pointed out one of the similar mistakes. ^_^)
...I can hardly imagine what the world would be now, if there hadn't been electricity. (I think this sentence should be in subjunctive mood. ^_^)
Before his invention ("Discovery" is something found for the first time, while "invention" means something which has never been made before is created or designed. They are not synonyms. ^_^)...
...I want to know what made him think in...for something that was considered...
...I consider him as one...would be a breathtaking experience...
muroslav:
After that, every singe man on the planet could take advantage of having light all night long.

I think the meaning of this sentence is a little vague. You mean "take advantage of having light all night long" or "take advantage of the invention and have light all night long" ?

Wish my advice would help. :-)
ryutei133, thanks a lot for your review. It helps, definitely. You're right, i should pay attention to the indefinite article.


ryutei133:
You mean "take advantage of having light all night long"


That's what i mean. Should i paraphrase it somehow to be more clear ?
This was the crucial invention of the modern industrialized world. I can hardly imagine what the world would be now, if there had no electricity.
which was the great implementation of the electrical energy. Although, people had known about this type of energy, its effect was rather limited. [font#FF0000]Yet, human now can take advantage of electric lights all night long.
I wonder what made him think (in this direction) - what's direction? "it's not clear", and why he devoted his time to work for something,
the inventions of Thomas Edison are the great pushes for science and I consider him as one of the greatest men in the history.
muroslav:
Should i paraphrase it somehow to be more clear ?

I think maybe you could add some specific examples after the sentence, explaining how people take advantage of it. Just my personal opinion. :-)
His inventions changed the history and affected the way people live nowadays. I would learn lots of things from him, and this would motivate me in my future work as electronic engineer.---- he would learn a lot from you, too! You could tell him about microwaves, computers, and the Internet.

Your English is almost perfect! Congratulations. You are a skilled bilingual person. I think you will have no problem passing the TOEFL.

Please make a list of the corrections people make for your writing, and practice the correct way. Do you have any questions about why certain corrections were made?
Thank you for your help.
I already made the list. Your corrections are not a waste of time, I do my best to learn the grammatical rules, which correspond to the mistakes i did.

I think I understand the reasons for all the corrections.



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