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Thesis essay on "Adoption issues"


answers: 11
I need feedback along with grammar check in sentence structure. Thank you in advance.

Assignment

Topic: The topic should be derived from the Giver. You will develop an argument on some modern application of a theme in the book and back up your argument with research. I must approve your choice before you begin so that you do not pick too broad an issue or one that is inappropriate for this assignment. I also do not want duplications of topics. You will also in the paper relate the topic to the Giver.

She approve my thesis to be
Adoptive parents should be required to inform children that they're not their biological parent, adopted children should be allowed access to their biological parents if should they be available and willing.

Type: You must write a thesis paper. That is, you may not present a mere report (apaper simply summarizing your research). You must take a side on an issue and develop an argument. For example, do not write all about euthanasia. Tell the reader whether you are for or against euthenasia and why. Your voice should be primary, supported by your research. The Argumentation section in Rules for Writer summarizes the important elements of argument that we have covered in class.

Length: The minimum length of your paper should be 1600 words. Shorter papers will be penalized. You will find that that is hardly long enough to address most of the pro and con elements of your argument.


Adoption


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Good morning!

You have a very thorough essay! Good job! Here are my suggestions:

"Family units in the novel, The Giver, are determined by two important roles: the assigned family units depending on birthmothers and Nurturers. Babies are taken by the birthmothers without any rights of involvement in raising a baby. Birthmother's job task is completed in 9 months; the baby is then given to the Nurturers. The Nurturers raised the babies until they become grown teens. The committee of Elders who displaced babies from birthmothers to nurturers provides rules to follow. Children in this controlled community learned that birthmothers brought them into this world and were curious, asking, "Where did I come from?" They could easily find out on their own by going to the Hall of Records, but the committee of Elders felt this would cause problems in the community. The Elders committee felt the fewer problems they faced the more easily the perfect community would live peacefully and happy, without high rate of divorces, behavioral, and legal issues families experience. in relationships(Remove this) . Without love and passion between couples and family units are created the less problems could arise How about, "Without love and passion between couples and family united, this peace could be disrupted.". In today's world, love and passion does exist and families are naturally created by biological parents leading reproductive lives. Some couples who love one another don't have the same privilege as a natural parent change to "natural parents". "One leads to" remove this and insert a semicolon. adoption is an option for them because biological parents are deceased, unable to provide financial security, and complete family fulfillment due to infertility. Coup (This statement is contradictory; rewrite or remove.). Couples become the Nurturers in giving safe, secure life for children who become displaced from their biological parent, the birthmother. Different types of adoptions are cultural, foreign and internationally has exacerbated in USA (This statement is confusing; I'm not really sure what you are trying to say here. Perhaps, "Other types of adoptions are cultural; foreign and international adoptions have grown in the USA." If this is the case, please explain why this is cultural rather than one of the circumstances you listed earlier . The effects of adoption on children and parents (both adoptive and birth) can be generally experienced behavioral issues. Otherwise the adoptee who becomes a teenager curiosity will have strived for searching their genetic origin (How about, "Oftentimes the teenaged adoptee will become curious and begin searching for his/her genetic origin.") . Adoptive parents will have to be supportive when their adopted teens learn of their genetic background, and that the adoptive parent is not their biological parent. Adoptive parents should be required to inform children that they're (Change to "they are"; refrain from using contractions in academic writing.) not their biological parent, adopted children should be allowed access to their biological parents if should they be (Change to "they are") available and willing."

Because this is such a long essay I will have to post it in several pieces. More will follow in a few!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OK, 2nd part:

Are you writing this piece from the adoptive parents' point of view, or are you taking a stance on whether adoption is a good choice or not? I'm a little confused as to the stance you are taking so far.

"One leads to adoption because biological parents are deceased, unable to provide financial security, and complete family fulfillment due to infertility. (Remove this as is it redundant-you used this exact wording in the above paragraph.) The majority of children and siblings experience grief and loss of biological parents become decease due to an accidental death or in warfront. (I'm not sure what this has to do with the rest of your essay; if you are going to use statistics to make a point, cite a source. If that's not what you're doing here, consider rewriting it for clarity or removing it altogether.) Adoptees experience a loss of family's love, security, and affection (If the child is adopted, why would they be feeling these things?) is a (Remove) very difficult for any children and siblings (Is this necessary, or does "children" adequately cover your subject?) . Biological parents in the early trimesters of pregnancy experience an overwhelming financial strain, especially when a partner leaves the relationship. When the partner leaves the relationship, the non-working mother is left no choice but to adopt their child for providing a better life for them Is this a fact, or an opinion?) . Adopting a child completes the family unit and dreams for couples, who become Adoptive Parents (These are not proper nouns, therefore do not need to be capitalized.) . Infertility affects couples at some time during their reproductive lives (Really? This affects every couple? Cite your source for this information.) . Couples have chosen another way to accomplish their dreams of becoming responsible for displaced children. When infertility treatments don't work or couples don't want to take risk, adoption is important to complete their dreams of happiness while raising an adopted child in a nurturing environment."

I'm a little bit concerned because I thought you were supposed to be relating this essay to The Giver. I saw that only in the very beginning when you were introducing your topic. Also, I'm still not clear as to what your thesis is.
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"The impact on birthmother's psychological affects them for life giving up a child in strangers hands is difficult decision for any mother separation from bonding with her child after birth. (This is a bit too wordy; how about rewriting it to something such as, "The psychological effects on birthmothers of adoption are life-changing. Placing the child that they have bonded with into a stranger's hands effects them very deeply on many levels." Then back this statement up by citing your source for it.) Biological mothers wonder if they can become a good mother while they had their chance, but under circumstances, they had no choice but to give up their child for adoption. (How about, "...would have been good mothers when they had the chance, had they not been forced to give up their child.") In Maureen O'Brien's novel, B-Novel(Refer to your required citation style to see how this book title should be cited. Some formats call for underlining of printed books, others for italics; check your format to make sure you are doing this correctly.) , Hillary Birdsong experience in her dysfunctional family was neglected without any affection (...neglect and little affection.) . At the age of 16 Hillary, who cries out for attention, turns wild and begins to hang out with boys and disobey her household rules. "She met a boy from New York City, vacations in her small town, this boy gives Hillary the attentions she craves (Priff, Nancy, 219-222)." When she found that she was pregnant and mentions it to the boy from New York, he left (leaves) the relationship. For so long her secret was no longer a secret when abortion was too late, she informs her parents of her pregnancy (This is confusing; was she able to hide it for a long time or not? If no, the sentence should be "Unable to keep her secret a secret for long, she told her family." If she was, it should be "Past the possibility of abortion, Hillary hid her secret as long as she could. Finally, she had to tell her family.") . Her parents didn't want nothing (This is a double negative. Think about it-if they did not want nothing to do with it, that means they did want something to do with it. I do not think this is what you are meaning to say; therefore, the sentence should be "Her parents did not want anything to do with the pregnancy." Also, refrain from using contractions in academic work. to do with her having a baby because of the shame it would bring them. "The whole town is going to think our daughter is a whore. She's making our family look like trash (Priff, Nancy, 219-222)." (Make sure your quotation marks are at the end of the quoted statement, followed by your citation and then the period on the outside of the final ellipse.) Hillary realized there's (...there is, or in this case it should be "there was"...) no way for her to support her baby with her income, (Change to a period.) Although she feels strongly in (Change to "about") keeping her baby, she agrees to go to La Rosaria, and place her baby up for adoption. Every year the adoptive parents give Hillary pictures while raising her child in their loving family home (Chose one of these adjectives, but do not use both.) ."
"Irresponsible biological parents don't deserve to raise children. Biological parents either gave up their child because of the financial burden (or?) . Biological parent's substances addiction is no life for raising a child. Biological parents' responsibilities become overwhelming in supporting their own children. Biological parent decision to adopt their child becomes a reality for their separation children from biological parents. (This is very fragmented and is difficult to understand. If you are making a list, seperate each item in the list with a comma. For example, "...because of financial burdens, substance addictions, or because they find parental responsibilities too overwhelming." If you do not present it to your reader like this, they wonder where all of this information is coming from and why it is important to your essay.) A child needs a better life then the life that their biological parents can provide for them, so adoption becomes a choice (Be careful-this statement says that all biological parents are unfit, and that adoption is the only choice for children to be successfully raised. If this is the stance you are taking, you had better have a lot of hard research cited to back it up. If not, you need to specify that children coming from unfit homes are better off in adoptive homes, and still back it up with research. . When adoption doesn't become (Change to "is not") a choice, child protective services can step in to evaluate the family unit necessity for the best interest for the child or children safety (What does this have to do with adoption?) . Child neglecting ("neglect") , abandonment, striking a child ("or physical abuse") has (gets) the attention of social workers to provide a better home for these wounded children What does this have to do with adoption? The Giver? . Irresponsible biological parents, psychologically reject their own children and siblings (They reject their own children as well as the parents' brothers and sisters? Is this what you mean? I am confused.) when they abandon them at their own free well (Change to "will". This statement does not seem to tie into anything else you have been talking about.) . Irresponsible biological parents have addiction problems and children face abused (Change to "abuse") , abandonment and neglection (Change to "other forms of neglect.") . When child's rights are violated, any access to biological parents' records becomes closed for the protection of children and siblings (What does this have to do with adoption or the assigned text?) .
"For many years, intercountry adoption disputes cause controversies about social issues and policies. Increases in the severity of inequalities against racial adoption (Finish this sentence; "...are on the rise." etc. Cite your research to back this statement up.) . For many years, minorities have been in the center of controversies about racial tension as well as debates in the state system from public and private adoption agencies. The argument against racial tension should not matter in adoption in America as Miss Quiroz, Pamela (Is this person's name Miss Pamela Quiroz? If so, she should be referred to as "Pamela Quiroz". In this context the proper citation is "...Pamela Quiroz quoted Perry in..." quoted Perry in 1994 in her article, "Color-blind Individualism, Intercountry Adoption and Public Policy," (Check with your required reference citation style to find the correct format to cite articles.) She argues, "the adoption arena's version of color-blind discourse, argues that race should not matter in adoption; and individual rights should be exercised without the interference of the state (Bartholet 1991; Kennedy 2003; Mahoney 1991) (58)." (See my earlier quote regarding periods, ellipses, and quotation marks.) The argument here, how are these children living without parents now that they have been placed in an adoptive f amily (Remove "family") homes once they become orphans without parents (Remove as it is redundant; finish your sentence. What about this argument?) . These innocent children lives (Change to "The lives of these innocent children...") are played with by the state, whom needs authoritive figures and guidance in their lives (The state officials or the children? I am confunsed.) , so state discriminate against these adoptee children without families (Do they not have any family at all, or just no biological family? Are they orphans in an institution? I'm confused.) because of their race, adoption is the only way for their security (Are these children, because of their race, at some extenuating risk that other children are not in? If so, this needs to be explained.) . The congress (This is a proper noun, therefore it needs to be capitalized. "Congress".) enforces a law that will accept intercountry adoption to avoid against (This is another double negative. Think about it-the law avoids against racial discrimination, meaning it stays away from not discriminating? I don't think this is what you mean to say. I believe what you are meaning to say is "...to avoid racial discrimination..." or "...intercountry adoption to guard against...") racial discrimination adoptions in this quote,(Change to a colon.) "Individual agency, a component of color-blind ideology, is critical to participants in private and independent adoption, and in the 1990s Congress passed laws to support color-blind adoption practice (Quiroz, Pamela 58)." (See my earlier note regarding ellipses, periods, and quotation marks.)

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Barriers that happen with closed adoption versus open adoption from all types of overseas, interstate adoption, biological parents miss for many years have concerns their children's upbringing, so they breach their contract with adoptive parents. (This is confusing. How about rewriting to something like, "There are barriers to closed and open adoptions. In both overseas and interstate adoptions biological parents may still become concerned over their child's upbringing, resulting in them breaching their contract with the adoptive parents.") Boundaries need to be set for biological parent' (Remove)s, restricted (Change to "restricting" and add "them") from any contact (Add "with the child or the adoptive parents). I absolutely disagree with the biological parent who disrupts the raising of their child that's being raised (Remove due to redundancy.) in the happy home of adoptive parents. Avoiding any confusion for (Change to "is in the") best interest of adopted children, once their biological parents have made their decision from (Change to "to") separating (Change to "separate") from their child's life, (Change to a period. they (Capitalize, "They".) should not fight for their involvement, especially at early age from infancy to16 (Rewrite to something like, "...especially between the ages of infancy to 16.") . Adoption becomes disclosed without any information given to the children (Change to "child".) if (Remove) when it's (No contractions! This should be "...when it becomes necessary...") for a child's protection. Protection for children's safety is (Change to "has" add "a") major impact for (Change to "on") their dear life. Court orders for unfit biological parents serve a sentence or rehabilitation becomes a fact of life. (I am not sure what any of these last sentences have to do with the paragraph they are attached to. Tie this up better, make it relevant to the beginning of the paragraph, or begin another paragraph specifically for these last four sentences or so.
"An intercountry and foreign adoption issue unaware of hidden problems psychological affects agency failure to reveal information can be disruptive in the relationship to adoptive parents. (This is very confusing. Rewrite it to clarify; perhaps something such as, "Failing to reveal information regarding psychological issues of foreign adopted children can cause disruption in the relationships between adopted children and their adoptive parents.") "Cases like those are extreme, but clinicians who specialize in treating foreign orphans say they are seeing more parents who are overwhelmed by their adopted children's unexpected emotional and behavioral problems, (Wingert, Pat Vol. 150, and Issue 25). Adoption agency seeks and provides a home for many displaced wounded children and happiness for adoptive parents gain hope (This is very confusing. Perhaps rewrite to something like, "Adoption agencies seek and provides homes for many displaced and wounded children. Because of this, adoptive parents gain hope." What does this have to do with the undiagnosed psychological problems of foreign adoption candidates?) . Adoptive parents sometimes don't (No contractions! "Do not..." realize what they get (Change to "have gotten.") into when they legalized an adoption and that adoptee's behavior results from (Change to "in".) trauma, mistreatment, malnutrition and institutionalization from overseas (Wingert, Pat Vol. 150, and Issue 25). Are you referring to symptoms of the child's undiagnosed mental disorder(s) or results of the frustrated adoptive parent's actions? Agency fulfilled dreams for adoptive parents who gain hope for raising a child, completes a responsible family unit(How is this relevant to the adopted child's undiagnosed mental issues?) . Sometimes adoptive families have problems with (Remove) connecting with children. Now it becomes a financial hardship for adoptive parents to connect with adoptee when they invest their time with psychologist. (This is a brand new idea that is left hanging without any substance because you have not written anything previous about this topic. Either add more to it to strengthen this statement, or remove it. As it stands it is an incomplete thought resulting in an uncomplete paragraph.

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In addition a child's behavioral problem becomes (Change to "causes") a major impact on family's (Change to "family" life as it did for (change to "in") Mrs. Hilt's case in (Change to "when") adopting Nina at nine months. In the Newsweek article, "When Adoption Goes Wrong," by Wingert, Pat reports,(Check your required citation style for citing article titles in text. Also, we do not list last names before first when citing in text. This citation should look something like, "...When Adoption Goes Wrong, Pat Wingert reports that Mrs. Hilt...") Mrs. Hilt tried to connect with 2-year Nina, whom was very aggressive and reluctant to affection, (Insert "and") had been a struggle. Nina had violent tantrums and destroyed furniture when Mrs. Hilt was not watching. During Nina's presents (? I'm not sure what you mean here; tantrums? Episodes? Fits?) in Mrs. Hilts frustrations and impatient with Nina's antics has lead her in deep depression as she started drinking that she would never thought or imagine she would do in her entire life. Her depression was dormant from her marriage and outside world. One day Nina was unbearable to handle when Mrs. Hilt could not take it anymore with this uncontrollable rage she had toward Nina's behavior. From this statement, "She grabbed Nina around the neck, shook her and then dropped her to the floor, where she kicked her repeatedly before dragging her up to her room, punching her as they went." Mrs. Hilt does the unthinkable never to hit a child before now that she is punished for innocent Nina deaths before Nina reach the hospital. Now Mrs. Hilt is serving a 19-year sentence in Virginia maximum-security prison (Wingert, Pat Vol. 150, Issue 25). (Since this seems to be a direct quote, all of it should be in either quotes or block text, depending on your citation style requirements.)
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Teens psychological effects experience strong impulses for searching biological parents because they want to learn their identity and genetic origin not necessarily problems with adoptive parents. (This is confusing; reword for clarity. Something like, "Teens experience strong impulses to find their biological parents. They want to learn their identity and genetic origin." Then you need to cite a source.) Teens want to know who they are and where they came from originally (Change to "biologically".) . So (Remove, start the sentence with "They".) need answers to puzzling questions. Sometimes teens will feel rejection all over again from their biological parents who don't wish to be responsible for their lives. Kenneth Kirby, Ph.D. from the Department of Clinical Psychiatry at North western University School of Medicine in Chicago discovers that "...teens do better when their parents understand their curiosity about their genetic history and allow them to express their grief, anger and fear (http://adoption.about.com/od/searchandreunion 4/19/2008)."

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Adoptive parent's doubts themselves being a good parent to adoptee teens when behavior issues disrupts their relationship. (This is very confusing. Rewrite for clarity; "Adoptive parents, like biological parents, doubt their parenting abilities when faced with difficult teenage behavior.") Only because teens experience this strong urge feeling (Choose one of these adjectives, do not use both.) to learn about their genetic origin background (Use one of these adjectives, not both.) . Adoptive parents are concerned to overcome such behavioral problems (Is curiosity a behavioral problem? If so, cite your source.) after raising adoptee teens since they were babies. Adoptive parents invest more in (Add "the") Behavior Health Care Facilities (These are not proper nouns, therefore they do not need capitalization.) part of health care systems to find answers to how they can help their adopted teens. Teen' (Remove) s rebellious behavior can escalate, for (Change to "resulting in" them to take (Change to "taking") a journey in search of (Change "to find") their biological parents. All that Adoptive (This is not a proper noun, therefore does not need capitalization.) parents can do is (Remove) remaining (Change to "remain") supportive to their adopted teen' (Remove) s wishes. They can't (No contractions! "...cannot...") hold them back for (Change to "from") their journey. As long as the teens know how much their adoptive parents love them." (This is an incomplete sentence; we know the "who" but not the "what". What results from the children knowing their parents love them?

I am concerned because there are no strong connections between any of the ideas presented here. Each paragraph seems to be a mini-essay of its own; there really aren't any transitions tying all of your thoughts together. Also, I still did not see any relation to the text The Giver, except in the very first sentence. Find a way to relate your ideas to the text and tie it all up so that it is one essay, rather than several small individual ones.

I hope this helps you.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
I thank you so much for helping me here, in the meantime, I need to recap my train of thought here. I'm finding this assignment to be the most difficult one, out of all the other Essays I've done here.

For me relating to the Giver shall I use these types of transition words. For each paragraph that I need to relate to The Giver. I'm experiencing a little trouble here. I need to recap my goal is for adoption.

This is where I'm having difficulty, I don't know how to combine/connect this Essay in relation to the Giver yet?

Antithetic: instead, on the contrary, in contrast, by comparison
Equative: equally, likewise, similarly, in the same way


My thesis: Adoptive parents should be required to inform children that they are not their biological parent; adopted children should be allowed access to their biological parents if they are available and willing.


My side will be for the children who grows up to be teens; they shall have access to Biological parents records. I thought if I express the thoughts how one becomes adopted from either broken home or other reasons. I can establish some mindset from the child viewpoint, when they reached the age 18, they will learn their genetic origin. I didn't consider the traits or when it becomes medically necessary access to records from Biological parents.


For example, my mindset is coming too the definition of release in the giver means, when the child is released like the twins, one's life is taken.

On the other hand, release could also mean; a child is released from it's family due to abusive relationship, cause child is not in a safe environment.


Since the birthmother doesn't have no rights from the novel, Giver, similarly biological parents releasing their baby to adoption, they gave up their rights from raising their baby.



I have one instance from a paragraph where a B-mother, Hillary was pregnant at the age 16, her parents didn't want the financial burden of their grandchild. Hillary experienced from her dysfunctional family neglection and little affection, Hillary crave for attention she didn't received from her family result in her getting pregnant at 16. However Hillary wanted her baby desparately but realizes she cannot support her child.

The controlled community didn't expressed any emotional feelings, affection, and love; they had pills in perfect families units created.



Any pointers will be greatly appreciated, recap, so I can stay focus here especially with the psychological effects that I'm trying my best to cover here from all sides.

I'm stump in the Giver relating the psychological effects in adoption as I have tried to mention Grief, Loss, Rejection, Control/Mastery and Shame. I think Jonas experience loss and grief toward the end. Jonas realized it was wrong to take one's life as his father release one of twins. He thought he was going to loose Gabriel because he was going to be released. Jonas was protective of Gabriel, when he took the responsibility in protecting Gabriel outside the controlled community, elsewhere.
Good evening!

If you are having trouble staying organized, I suggest an outline. Start by listing each point you would like to touch on regarding adoption (i.e. issues relating to birth parents rights, a child's right to know, etc. Take your time here and list every major point you want to discuss). After you have those listed, under each one list how this relates to your text. Under those relations, list supporting facts and/or details from your secondary sources. When you have it finished you should have four or five points to discuss in depth under each of your main points. Once you have all of your major points listed along with supporting facts/details, examples, and correlations to your text, all you have to do is insert transitions between the paragraphs, add your introduction and tie it all up in a conclusion.

Has your instructor approved your topic/thesis? If not, I suggest contacting him/her to have them help you narrow your thesis down (if necessary).

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
I rewritten some of paragraphs but not all, I posted the troubled paragraphs, I tried to place an argument or debate issues. I hope this is better. My teacher look over the first paragraph and she mention I only need to note the Giver only once, because I shared the Giver in the introduction, I don't need another paragraph or mention the Giver in every paragraph she's ok with it.


My problem is writing a reason for the proposed argument, thereafter refuting the arguement. Another is the sentence structure for the argument, how do I present it? I'm pro when it comes down to adoptee accessing their records, because of issues like identity crisis, medical misdiagnoses, and revealing birth certificates of this nature. Final draft.



REMOVED
Good morning!

I'm glad that you clarified that point with your instructor; it will definately help! Here are my suggestions:

"Family units in the novel The Giver Depending on your citation style, this title should either be in italics or quotation marks. Refer to your citation style or your instructor to find out which is appropriate here. are determined by two important roles: the assigned family units depending on birthmothers and Nurturers. Babies are taken by Should this be "from"? the birthmothers without any rights of involvement in raising a Change to "the" baby. Birthmother's job task is completed in 9 months; the baby is then given to the Nurturers. This is an incomplete sentence; how about rewriting it to "The Birthmother's job is complete in nine months; the baby is then taken from her and given to a Nurturer." The Nurturer raises the babies Change to "baby" until they become grown teens. The Elders committee, who displace babies from Birthmothers to Nurturers, Stay consistent; either capitalize these nouns or don't. Since they could be deemed as proper nouns for the purposes of the text you are analyzing, they could stay capitalized; or, don't capitalize them because technically they are not proper nouns in the English language. Either way it really doesn't matter, as long as you choose one and stick to it. provide rules to follow. Children in this controlled community learn that birthmothers bring them into this world and are curious, asking, "Where did I come from?" They can easily find out on their own by going to the Hall of Records, but the committee of Elders feel this would cause problems in the community. The Elders committee feels the fewer problems they face the more easily the perfect community would live peacefully and happily, without high rate of divorces, behavioral and legal issues families' experience. Without love and passion between couples and family units, this peace could be disrupted. In today's world, love and passion does exist and families are naturally created by biological parents leading reproductive lives. Some couples who love one another don't have the same privilege as a "natural parent." Adoption is an option for them; because biological parents are deceased, unable to provide financial security, and Change to "or are". unable to have children of their own. Couples become Nurturers in Change to " and provide" a giving, safe, secure, life for children who become displaced from their biological parent, the birthmother. Other types of adoptions are cultural; foreign and international adoptions have grown in the USA. Overseas adoptions laws effect adoptee adults', How? Is it harder or easier for them to get these records? obtaining records from biological parents, because of birth identity crisis What does this mean? Are there people stealing these children's identities? Please clarify.. Countries have different laws, dictators Is this the best word choice here? How about "governments"? , and rules for Change to "regarding the procedure for opening" confidential files and allowing them to be accessed because of psychological effects.
New idea, new paragraph. The effects of adoption on children and parents (both adoptive and birth) can be Change to "cause" behavioral issues. Oftentimes, the teenaged adoptee will become curious and begin searching for his/her genetic origin. Adoptive parents will have to be supportive when their adopted teens learn of their genetic background, and that the adoptive parent is not their biological parent. Adoptive parents should be required to inform children that they are not their biological parent; adopted children should be allowed access to their biological parents if they are available and willing."


"Agencies are mediators between two parties reaching an agreement on whether or not the adopted children shall have access to biological parental records in open and closed cases. Once the decision has been made What decision? by the biological parent the contract stands when signature is Change to "are" noted on the contract. Disputes arise in cases whereas Change to "when opening" a confidential record from biological parents Remove becomes necessary; to reveal information to override a closed case regarding medical reasons: diseases that are genetic, DNA matches before transplants, and genetic deformities it then becomes necessary for records to be access by the professional person representing the adoptee whom is in need of medical attention.Rewrite for clarity: "... necessary; such as in situations where the adopted child requires medical attention and information regarding the biological parents is vital." Records need to be access to a source, medical facility, for the life of an adoptee child or adoptee adult How about, "In these cases, the records need to be released to a professional source such as the attending physician." . "In addition, they cite medical problems or misdiagnoses that could be caused by absence of genetic history, lack of religious identity, and fear of unwitting INCEST Was this originally published in all caps? If not, correct." (Gale 132). "


"ImportantlyThis is an awkward transitional word; how about using a synonym such as "Statistically" or "Generally" or keep "Importantly" and add on "the" after it. , majority of birth mothers' debates on adoption issue is Change to "are" that Change to "those concerning" open adoption records and whether adult adoptees should have access to their adoption information. One critical issue of when one group speaks out for another.This is not a complete sentence; we have the who, but not the what. How about rewriting to read, "This critical issue arises when one group speaks out for another group. For example, birth...." mothers who have placed their children up for adoption speak out for open adoption records. Biological parents argue that their rights need to be protected from adoptee children/adults returning in their lives, because a change of heart On the part of the children, or the parents? If you mean the children, this does not make sense because they had no say in whether or not they were being adopted. If you mean the parents, then you need to specify that these records are also opened by biological parents. As it sits now, it looks as if you are stating that the children can have a change of heart and set out to locate their bio parents. This happens, but "because a change of heart" is misleading. Jan Baker speaks for many birth mothers in the following quote:
"Many voices purport to speak for birth mothers to explain to the world what they want and need in regards to open records. Some say they did not want their children to begin with and need to be protected from their children coming back into their lives. Some say we did not want our children to begin with and, therefore, we want/need to be protected from our children coming back into our lives. Unfortunately, many of those who claim to know how we felt about our children and how we feel about them now, actually know nothing about our true feelings. Yet, they do not hesitate to speak on our behalves" (Craft)." What citation style are you using? Most formats require the last name of the author as well as a page number, if available. If it is from a website, a paragraph number is usually required after the name.


"One Perhaps change this to "Biological parents" or "A biological parent" or "A child's representative" for clarity may leads Do you mean "leans"? toward adoption because the biological parents are deceased, or are unable to provide financial security for the child. A majority of children and siblings Siblings of the bio parents? What do they have to do with the adoption procedure? If you mean siblings of the adoptive children, you do not need to specify this here; the noun "children" is appropriate experience grief and loss of biological parents become decease due to an accidental death or in war I do not know what you mean here; are you trying to say that children grieve less because their parents died in an accident or as a casualty of war? Where is the research supporting this?. Adoptees experience a loss of family love, security, and affection, which is a very difficult for any child and sibling Why? If they are in a loving adopted home, shouldn't they have all of these things? This statement appears that you are supporting the anti-adoption side; if this is the case, you need to let the reader know you are advocating both sides . Biological parents in the early trimesters of pregnancy experience an overwhelming financial strain, especially when a partner leaves the relationship. When the partner leaves the relationship, the non-working Is there always an unemployed parent? If so, where is the research to support the statement? If not, you should specify "if there is an unemployed parent..." parent is left no choice but to put their child up for adoption in order to provide a better life for them Change to "him or her". . Adoptee Adults when they trace their biological parents regards to their identity crisis, confrontation may cause them more harm emotionally between both parties, when they experience rejection, or the loss times both parties miss out on This statement is very confusing; perhaps rewrite to something like, "When some adopted children become adults, they try to locate their biological parents to satisfy their curiosity. This revelation can be painful for both parties if rejection or regret is experienced by either or both parties." . Biological parents', however do not want any contact, they do not want their adoptee children/adult to contact them. So, access to records for adoptee adults are denied, because of confrontation." This is not on the topic any longer; it should be attached to the previous paragraph so that the reader does not get lost.


"Adoption agencies failing to reveal information regarding psychological issues of foreign adopted children can cause disruption in the relationships between adopted children and their adoptive parents. "Cases like those are extreme, but clinicians who specialize in treating foreign orphans say they are seeing more parents who are overwhelmed by their adopted children's unexpected emotional and behavioral problems" (Wingert 60). Adoption agencies seek and provide homes for many displaced and wounded children. Because of this, adoptive parents gain hope What do they gain hope for? The quote you have following this statement illustrates how many adoptive parents get in over their heads. How is this hopeful? I am confused. "Adoptive parents sometimes do not realize what they have gotten into when they legalized an adoption and that adoptee's behavior results in trauma, mistreatment, malnutrition and institutionalization from overseas" (Wingert 60). An adoptive agency has fulfilled dreams for adoptive parents who hope to raise a child and complete a responsible family unit. Sometimes adoptive families have problems connecting with children Do you mean children they want to adopt? Adoptee Change to "adoptive" parents don't have access to records What kind of records? , because discovering adoptee background could reveal an abusive situation, therefore disrupting Change to "endangering" the child's safety from biological parents contacting them if they are alive Remove . I think adoptee Change to "adoptive" parents should become aware of the adopted children's background so they can plan their future treatment in case the worse were to happen like in Mrs. Hilt's case." I'm assuming this part has been cut out of the final essay; if not, who is Mrs. Hilt?


"Irresponsible biological parents don't deserve to raise children. Biological parents often give up their child because of the financial burden, substance addictions, or because they find parental responsibilities too overwhelming. Children coming from unfit homes are better off in adoptive homes. A child needs a better life than the life that their Change to "an" unfit biological parent can provide for them, so adoption becomes a choice. "Ordinarily, statutes dispense with the parental consent requirement only when a parent has reached a serious level of unfitness that would be so significant as to terminate parental rights, or when such rights have already been judicially terminated" (Gale 125). When adoption is not a choice, child protective services can step in to evaluate the family unit, and placing the child in temporary foster care is an option while the parents fulfill their legal obligations as directed by the law. Child neglect, abandonment, striking a child has the attention of social workers to provide a better home for these wounded children Change to something such as, "...abandonment, and child abuse will attract the attention of social workers. It is their job to provide a better home for these wounded children." . Irresponsible biological parents psychologically reject their own children and siblings Remove when they abandon them of their own free will I'm not sure what this means. Please clarify. "A finding of abandonment may terminate a parent's rights and free the child for adoption with or without parental consent" (Gale 126). Irresponsible biological parents have addiction problems and children face abuse, abandonment and neglect. When a child's rights are violated, any access to biological parents' records becomes closed for the protection of the child and siblings Remove, because this may cause emotional outbreak Change to "breakdowns".."


In other cases, records become restricted from adoptee or any source, in order to protect from painful memories like molestation, sexual and emotional abuse. Sarah Lin of the Los Angeles Times reports in this case a father who served time as sex offender may receive custody of his two year old foster child from Los Angeles County. "Los Angeles County don't automatically have their parental rights terminated just because they've been convicted of a sex crime" (B.1). Check your reference format for this citation; usually it is the last name of the author and then the page or paragraph number. Biological parents are incarcerated for criminal actions of such crimes. "A parent rights may also be wavered in cases of serious child abuse or neglect" (Gale 126). In most cases like this one, the case should be closed, preventing contact from the biological parent, because of safety issues, and psychological effects. What does the records and biological parents have to do with giving custody of a foster child back to a convicted sex offender? Make sure you are staying on topic so the reader does not get lost. But the records obtained should be known Change to "opened" in a settled Change to "professional" way for medical purposes. I am disgusted that the Los Angeles County would do the unthinkable and return the foster child to his/her father, who is the sex offender.



"The opening of adoption records is particularly important for children adopted from overseas. When adoptees are Change to "become" adults they discover similar traits from their genetic origin background How? If they do not know their biological background, how do they have information to compare these traits to and conclude they are similar? . Laws for intercountry prohibit adoptees to gain access of records based on racial issues, when they are aware of their genetic origin This statement is confusing; please clarify . Intercountry adoption disputes cause controversies about social issues and policies, which increase the severity of inequalities against racial adoption. "On the other hand, children from South America are being adopted in greater numbers by U.S. citizens, as are children from China, Romania, and Russia" (Gale 127). For many years, minorities have been at the center of controversies about racial tension as well as debates in the state system from public and private adoption agencies. The argument against racial tension should not matter in adoption in America. Perry, in his 1994 article writes, "Color-blind Individualism, Intercountry Adoption and Public Policy," he argues "the adoption arena's version of color-blind discourse, argues that race should not matter in adoption; and individual rights should be exercised without the interference of the state" (58). The argument here is, how are these children living without parents now that they have been placed in an adoptive homes? The lives of these innocent children, lives are played with by the state. They need authoritive figures and guidance in their lives, so the state discriminates against these adoptees without families because of their race, at some extenuating risk that other children are not in. Adoption is the only way for their security. The Congress enforces a law that will accept intercountry adoption to avoid racial discrimination adoptions or intercountry adoption to guard against in this quote: "Individual agency, a component of color-blind ideology, is critical to participants in private and independent adoption, and in the 1990s Congress passed laws to support color-blind adoption practice (Quiroz 58)." Please see my corrections/suggestions in the previous posts regarding this passage.
When adoptees become adults, they discover similar traits from which are carried from their biological parents. See my earlier note regarding this statement (i.e. how do they have something to compare?) Set of rules for overseas to obtain records is a difficult process, when one searches for his/her biological parents." This is confusing. How about rewriting to something like, "Laws regarding overseas adoption records are confusing and the process is a difficult one for adopted children seeking his or her biological parents."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
I had ask the professor if I can improve my thesis she said Yes I can.

I wondering if this is a good improvement. I'm trying very hard not to be to wordy here, having trouble with parallelism here.

Main points: I want to include least disruptive live on all parties, psychological effects, getting access to records in sound way not to be disruptive.
Sometimes birthparents vs adoptive parents custody battles.
And or adoptee adult shows up on birthparents doorstep without any prior notice because birthparents fears, who remarries start over, so it can place a strain by surprise if partner was not open in relationship regarding adoption, adoptee adult could return back into their lives.


Thesis: Adoptive parents should be required to inform children that they are not their biological parents/ adopted children should be allowed access to their biological parents without disruption their current life, if they are available or willing, and if doing so won't cause the children any severe psychological damage.


I have some other trouble with a few sentences contradictory.


Children can easily find out on their own by going to the Hall of Records, but the committee of Elders feel this would cause problems in the community.


Would it be different if I say something like this,


The committee of Elders feel this would cause problems in the community, if children can easily find out on their own by going to the Hall of Records.


After reading this one, How can I not confuse the reader on this sentence.


Importantly the majority of birth mothers' debates on adoption issue are those concerning of open adoption records and whether adult adoptees should have access to their adoption information.


should I change it like this


Importantly the majority of the birthmothers' argues whether adult adoptees should have access to biological parents adoption records on file keeping them open.



Another one sentence:

Agencies are mediators between two parties reaching an agreement on whether or not the adopted children shall have access to biological parental records in open and closed cases.



I tried to follow your earlier input, so I hope this sounds better.



Agencies are mediators between two parties reaching an agreement on whether or not the adopted children or professional representative shall have access to biological parental records due to medical illness. One biological parent give up their rights and consent is given or not given, the decision has been made by the biological parent the contract stands when signature are noted on the contract.


After these sentences I'm ready to put this away.

I thank you very much for assisting me here.
Good afternoon!

A thesis statement usually lets the reader know right away what your stance on an issue is; they judge the topic and content of your essay from the thesis statement. You could rewrite your thesis to something such as, "Adoptive parents should be required to inform their adopted children that they are not their biological parents. Adopted children should be able to access their biological parents unequivocally when it is a medical emergency, and under other less extreme circumstances if the parents are willing, and the meeting would pose no physical or emotional harm to the child."

In regards to your first sentence which you find contradictory, I think that both sentences (the original and the rewrite) would work just fine; you explain that the children are able to find the information because it is public knowledge, but the power of a select few keeps them just arm's reach from it because they feel it would disrupt their "perfect" community.

In regards to the sentence about birthmother's debates, how about something like, "Importantly, the majority of the birthmothers argue whether adult adoptees should have access to biological parent adoption records on file and keeping them open for ready access."

In regards to your last section, how about just changing a few words to your rewrite: "Agencies are mediators between two parties reaching an agreement on whether or not the adopted children or their professional representatives shall have access to biological parental records when it is deemed medically necessary." I'm not really sure what the consent and contract sentences have to do with this; you could leave those off and be fine as it is.

Keep up the hard work; it is a lot, but you are doing a great job. This is how we learn!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com



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