Name: ???
June 23, 2015
Writing 5
My Terrible Neighborhood
My neighborhood is the worst place to live, so I have to another one because I cannot afford its rooms;
it is very perilous, and the people is extremely noisy. First, the rooms are very expensive. For instance, I
pay 200 dollars for the room monthly. My friends pay around 220 bucks monthly for their rooms. For
example, Pablo pays 240 dollars monthly for his room even more expensive than my friends' rooms. The
second reason is that my neighborhood is dangerous. Thieves brake into the houses very often. For
instance, they broke into three houses last week. Gangs have killed many people there. There are many
security guards in my neighborhood, although they cannot do anything because gangster threaten them.
As a result, the gangster do what they want. Finally, the neighbors are very noisy. They throw parties
very often. For example, they threw six parties last month. They yell extremely loud every night. In fact,
you can hear them if you are standing to blocks away. In brief, my neighborhood is the most horrible
place to live because of its high price rooms, dominated by thieves area, and inconsiderate and
uneducated people.
I can help suggest some changes to make your essay better. Here are my suggestions
1st sentence: Are you trying to express that you can't move to another neighborhood? When you discuss people, you should replace is with "are".
3rd sentence: Rearrange the words in this sentence. It should be,"...$200 per month for a room".
4th sentence: Use the example in the 3rd sentence to change the wording of the monthly costs.
When you discuss your friend, who pays 240 dollars monthly, this should be the last sentence in the paragraph. Change part of this sentence to "...room, which is even more expensive..."
The next paragraph, you are going to discuss the second reason the neighborhood is dangerous. Change brake to break. After mentioning the three houses that were broken into, use the word "Also" to transition to the next sentence. If you are discussing more than one individual, make sure each word is plural (i.e. thieves).
The following paragraph should begin with "Finally".
I think you should revise the last sentence you could possibly change "dominated by thieves area" to "high crime". This could summarize the situation you are facing in the area in which you live.
Chamsky, WELCOME to Essay Forum!!! We are glad to have yet another member of the EF family.
Now, we go ahead and proof read your essay;
- My neighborhood is the worst place to live, so I have to another one because I cannot afford its rooms;( I have no idea what would you like to say at this part, I'm guessing; so I got a different one because I cannot afford the rooms )
- it is very perilous, and the people isare extremely noisy.
- For example,(this sentence should be a continuation from the previous one), Pablo pays 240 dollars monthly for his room even more expensive than my friends'( no need for apostrophe on the word "friends") rooms.
- Thieves brakebreak into the houses very often.
- For instance,( I understand that you need to provide examples on this essay but that doesn't mean that you have to use the word, "for instance" or "for example" all the time or as many as you can ) They broke into three houses last week.
- They yell extremely loud every night. In fact, you can hear them if you are standing totwo blocks away.
- In brief, my neighborhood is the most horrible place to live because of its high price rooms, dominated by thieves area, and inconsiderate and
uneducated people.
Well, there you have it Chamsky, most of the corrections I made are quiet major like grammar and the use of your linking verbs, so be careful and study on that.
I must say this neighborhood where you are is definitely one place that you should never live, check out a few places, for sure there are a lot more options for your $200 that's worth every bit of it.
Don't forget to proof read your essay at all times.
Keep writing
Cheers!!!
Thank you justivy03 and lcturn87 for your meaningful feedback. I truly appreciate it.
