Does someone can help me correct this draft essay for CBEST? Thank you very much!
Topic:Technology is very much a part of modern life. Many people see technology as a force that has escaped from human control. Others feel that technology has improved the quality of life. Do you think that the contribution technology has made to modern life has been positive or negative? State your position on this issue and support it with appropriate examples.
Essay:
Many people treat technology as a out-control force. Others say technology has improved the quality of life. "Every coin has both sides", so is technology.
The positive contribution technology has made to modern life really improve the quality of life. For example, GPS can help people drive to any where they have never been to or heard of. Skype can make an interview happen between the employer and the employee even they live in the different cities or countries. If there is only one person taking care of the baby at home, but this person also has another housework to do, he can use baby monitor to watch baby's condition from distance.
Although technology can help people to save time, money, energy in many different ways, it also has a lot of not so good effects on our life.
First of all, television is the most popular technology in many people's house. The study shows watching TV can impact on children's imagination and creativity development. The researchers divided children into two groups who were going to learn the story of Snow White. One group was given printed books, the other watched TV with cartoon Snow White. Then researcher asked these children to draw Snow White. The drawing of children in first group had read books, were very different from each other. The drawing of children in second group had watched TV were as same as TV showed. Next day, these children were asked to draw Snow White again. The children from first group still drew differently and also different from their own yesterday. But the second group children's drawing were as same as TV showed again.
Secondly, when children grow up, sometimes they need to do some research to complete their homework. After the online search engine was invented, students believe doing a research just means to do a quick searching on Google. Students trust the information online too much. They have not developed the skills to discern credible information. And quick finding information leads to a reduction in less learning desire and working hard to find the answer. And students can easily copy the work done through online engine instead of using their own ability.
Besides online search engine, cell phone is another most popular technical device among young people. For example, iphone is the dream phone for many young people in China. Some youth don't have enough money to buy one so they even go to the black market to sell their body organs to make money. Some young people become addictive to the cell phone, they feel they are very uncomfortable if they lost their cell phone or even just cannot be with it.
From all above we have discussed, although technology has some advantages which can improve our life quality, it has too much negative influences on our children and young people who are our future of the world. So I agree that technology is a force that has escaped from human control.
Many people treat technology as a out-control force.
...."Some" sounds better than "Many";
Some people believe that technology has gone out of control.Many people treat technology as a out-control force. Others say technology has improved the quality of life. "Every coin has both sides", so is technology.
What is your opinion. It is better you conclude the introduction stating your opinion.
The positive contribution technology has made to modern life really improve the quality of life.
... this sentence has grammar issues;
The positive contribution of technology to our society is that it has vastly improved the quality of life of modern people.