Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill.
I am not expert in writing an essay. Please help me.
The question is that
Schools should ask students to evaluate their teachers. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
I agree that if students are asked to evaluate their teacher, it will be better for a school to assess these elements about teacher's teaching ability, a salary rise and a promotion to a higher level. Schools are able to maintain a standard level of education in a complex era of the world.
To begin with, a school knows that a teacher puts enough heart and soul into giving knowledge to students. To illustrate, in my home town, one of my teacher Mr, Kong always hand out all papers necessary for a student to pass a final exam. He always acts as a part-time consultant to help out students who have low grades. When given the evaluation form by the dean, almost all students respect him best, which result in his consistent level of teaching throughout a semester.
Furthermore, a school is likely to consider whether one of the teachers is qualified for an increase in a monthly payment. To be specific, in addition to having ability to teach students, Mr , kong is taken into account the able one who are given a one thousand dollar next month. When the end of the semester comes, students are required to submit an evaluation form to an office of the dean for consideration. The result is that Mr, Kong is finally cut out for a pay raise.
More important, a school finds it easy to move one of the teachers to a high rank. To be specific, Mr, Kong are not only given a salary rise, but also transferred to a head of the Academic Department which are responsible for handling educational matters in a school. During the meeting with all of the boards of a school, he is selected as one who tends to be chosen for taking on this position, because of his evaluation form handed in by students. Such form indicates that he is the best one for head of Academic Department.
In conclusion, it cannot be denied that if a teacher is evaluated by students, it will provide the following things. A school knows who pay most attention to his teaching career, who are suitably qualified for a pay raise without any doubt, and who has enough qualifications necessary for doing a more difficult position.
To begin with, a school knows that a teacher puts enough heart and soul into giving knowledge to students. To illustrate, in my home town, one of my teacher Mr. Kong always hands out all papers necessary for a student to pass a final exam. He always acts as a part-time consultant to help out students who have low grades. When given the evaluation form by the dean, almost all students respect him best, which results in his consistent level of teaching throughout a semester.
i don't think you can actually "give" knowledge .. sharing maybe? teaching students?
consistent level? i believe high level would be more appropriate
Furthermore, a school is likely to consider whether one of the teachers is qualified for an increase in a monthly payment. To be specific, in addition to having the ability to teach students, Mr , k ong is taken into account the able one who are given a one thousand dollar next month. When the end of the semester comes, students are required to submit an evaluation form to an office of the dean for consideration. The result is that Mr, Kong is finally cut out for a pay raise.
i don't really understand this sentence: is taken into account the able one who are given a one thousand dollar next month
does mr. Kong take into account or is he taken into account?
The result is that Mr, Kong is finally cut out for a pay raise.
this doesn't sound right to me. you could say something like : Mr. Kong would not receive. and i believe "finally" is unnecessary since the beginning of the sentence is: the result..
More important, a school finds it easy to move one of the teachers to a higher rank. To be specific, Mr, Kong is not only given a salary rise, but he is also transferred to a head of the Academic Department which are responsible for handling educational matters in a school.During the meeting [with all] of the boards of a school, he is selected as one who tends to be chosen for taking on this position, because of his evaluation form handed in by students.
he is selected as one who is chosen? this sentence is not clear enough
because of the results from..
Such form indicates that he is the best one for head of Academic Department.
form or forms?
In conclusion, it cannot be denied that if a teacher is evaluated by students, it will provide the following things.
which things? following means you will state them next
A school knows who pay most attention to his teaching career, who are suitably qualified for a pay raise without any doubt, and who has enough qualifications necessary for doing a more difficult position.
pays, who is suitable or who is qualified (but not both)
Your feedback has a lot to do with my essay. i have known that my essay is not good, but learning from your feedback can help improve my writing skill.
So, i should practice brainstorming ideas everyday.
Thank you
hi,
"Mr , kong is taken into account the able one who are given a one thousand dollar next month"
Maybe it's better to change this sentence in this manner (It's just my idea!)
Mr. Kong is taken into account as a qualified teacher for receiving one thousand dollar next month.
a school finds it is easy to move one
it cannot be denied that if a teacher is evaluated by students. Isn't it better to change it like this?
The results of assessment forms cannot be ignored due to above mentioned causes.
[and then you can summarize the your reasons]
Good luck:)
Thank you for feedback. I think my writing skill will improve a lot.
