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TOEFL ESSAY Success is something which is so dear that everyone seeks


Tiablo 2 / 2  
Dec 1, 2012   #1
Success is something which is so dear that everyone seeks. Success means different things to different people. For some, success is about being successful in your career which is by working in a good company or getting a really good salary, others thinks that success is about being good at school or university and getting good marks. Yet others think that success is about being successful in life.

Of course, everyone seeks success and wants to be successful, but not everyone can be successful. For instance, being successful in a career doesn't mean that this person is successful in his life, because he may be successful in his career but not emotionally. For example, he doesn't know how to communicate with others, and this is a huge problem actually, because no one could be successful without communicating with others.

Honesty, intelligence, confidence and being a good communicator lead to success. Cause less in confidence from my opinion leads to inaction and shyness. In fact, I had a friend in my school and he has a really strong voice actually, an amazing voice but he had a lack in confidence and of course that made him shy but then he had the chance to sing in front of a huge crowed, it was a contest between the schools and he can won that easily but he didn't even participate because he is shy and he was afraid of what people would do and think about him so he missed an opportunity to be successful because he don't have confidence in himself.

To conclude, being successful is not an easy thing and of course not everyone could be but we can try to be successful in our life for sure. And from my point of view, intelligence is the most important characteristic that a person could have to be successful because being an intelligent person could really leads you to be successful in everything not just in your career or school, and being intelligent mean that you can communicate with others and know how to deal with everything. On contrast, just honesty or having a sense of humor wont made you successful.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Dec 1, 2012   #2
You have good ideas..
Here are a few suggestions to improve your essay.

Success means different things to different people.

.... This is good point. Try presenting it in a better manner.
Different people have different opinions on what success is.

For some, success is about being successful in your career which is by working in a good company or getting a really good salary, others thinks that success is about being good at school or university and getting good marks. Yet others think that success is about being successful in life.

You have said "others think" twice in a short gap. It sorts of breaks the nice flow of your essay up to that point.

Many believe success is about having a great job with a really good salary. Others believe it is about getting good grades at school and university. Only a very few people think that it is about having pleasant and prosperous life.

Cause less in confidence from my opinion leads to inaction and shyness.

In my point of view, being less confident makes one shy and inactive.

In fact, I had a friend in my school and he has a really strong voice actually, an amazing voice but he had a lack in confidence and of course that made him shy but then he had the chance to sing in front of a huge crowed, it was a contest between the schools and he can won that easily but he didn't even participate because he is shy and he was afraid of what people would do and think about him so he missed an opportunity to be successful because he don't have confidence in himself.

This sentence is too long. And it sounds as if you are talking to yourself. Try to break it down.
I had a shy friend who had a very strong voice. One day he got the opportunity to sing in front of a large crowd and win our school a contest. He could ahve won it easily with the amazing voice he had. But due to his lack of confidence he did not even take part in the competition.
OP Tiablo 2 / 2  
Dec 1, 2012   #3
@ Pahan, thanks for your assistance :)
im really afraid of this test actually !! :(

@dumi, Hi :P , hope u did good in it
and thanks for the advice, I'll keep that it my mind :)
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Dec 1, 2012   #4
Hey don't worry about the exam. It isn't as hard as you think. Well everybody is scared of exams before they actually do it right?? hehe.. So relax, and keep on writing. The more you write the more you learn. And the more fun it gets!! :D

If you rewrite this essay post it here. I'm more than happy to help. I think Dumi's advise is important to you...

Pay attention to this structure ! That will help you earn marks :)

By the way your writing is not bad and I'm confident that it will get you through the exam. But I'm sure you can improve a lot more. And that would improve your confidence too.

When is the exam anyway? Is it in the near future??
OP Tiablo 2 / 2  
Dec 3, 2012   #5
Yea i know , but still :P
and i will rewrite this essay but im a lil bit busy these days ! but thanks alott :)
and no the test is not in these couple of weeks , its in jan 12 but i have alot to do so wish me good luck :) , thnx again :)


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