Hello, friends please give some feedbacks for this essay.. Do i need some changes on this or not?
Success means the desire was strong enough?To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In today's world, many peoples are getting chances to experience a joy of employment. Additionally, various sacrifices and knowledges can be the attributed for these generally positive trends. However, others believe that, without a lot of struggles as well, citizenries are able to embrace the goal.I will explain both sides of views and try to reach a conclusion.
It is true that, nowadays, in many parts of the globe, no one is staying on tensions in their lives. It means, they have become successfully experts to pull out a joy. Similarly, owing to their a good educations and cognizances on the concerned pre-plan, today they are now called as successful person. It is fact that, to get a high level of position, a typical person must has to graduates from a university. Considering this fact, peoples often prefer to gain their target, since their childhood. So their desire become strong enough to upgrade their intelligence, which is an enviable for them to grant the target. For instance, Ram Krishna Dhakal, one of the most popular singer of Nepal since his childhood, has now recently got an award of being best singer. He got this only because of his desire and sacrifice on this area. It means, only those could be fortunate one, who indulge themselves in desired plans.
However, other oppose these views. Firstly, they claim that, nowadays, peoples can easily be lucky enough in portraying the image of success. It is to say that, most peoples have their own known professional belongings, owing to which, it sustains them to acquired the level of that position. Similarly, it means that, no any solid desire and talent are indispensable to become famous in capability. Another aspect regarding this topic is, some inhabitants get an ample opportunity to be well known unexpectedly. For example, if certain people attend on seminar, where he or she have to exhibit his or her views and ideas, such thought could attract some third person, who would provoke him or her to be a part of concerned business, which fortify his or her lives consequently. Thus, a plethora of endeavaor and a huge strive can not be sometimes the factors of being success.
In conclusion, although behind some success has some prominent desire and struggle, but in some situation, this can not be the cardinal reasons.I personally think, without any sacrifice peoples also can achieve their goals.
Tina, you argue the essay in a manner that does not really answer the prompt. While you present reasons and arguments in support of a stance, you failed to properly agree or disagree with the statement provided. You spoke in general terms about the opinions within the paragraphs, which is good for your essay but became a liability the minute you ended the essay without truly discussing your opinion on the matter. Do you agree or disagree with the statement? Make it clear and argue it. In fact, that should have been the only argument that you presented in the essay. Your opinion and no other opinion matters in this essay because the prompt clearly states that YOU need to discuss your opinion on the matter. This is something that you could have done within one or two paragraphs. Instead, you went on and on discussing other people's opinions. A revision is really necessary so that you can better align your essay response to the prompt :-)
Adding your opinion as a part of the conclusion as a single sentence does not answer the prompt at all. You need to better develop your opinion and remember that you are not allowed to introduce new ideas in the conclusion of the essay. If you wrote this for your TOEFL practice test, you will most likely not get a very good grade on it. Try to revise the paper so we can see how we can help you respond to the prompt better :-)
However, other oppose these views. Firstly , they claim that, nowadays, peoples can easily be lucky enough in portraying the image of success.
You need to create another way of writing your essay. Otherwise, it will not end up good. By the way, the opinions are great you just have to work on your organization a little bit more.
Tinash, there are many small mistakes in your essay.For instance,peoples -people,be the attributed for ,must has to graduates from a university-must have to graduate from,endeava or.And I think you didn't state your second view clearly.I hope you can make the progress in English writing.
