It would be great if I could get some feedback on this essay in the context of the old SAT test. I really want to improve on creating relevance to my thesis within my body paragraphs, and linking support back to my main idea. I also want to know how to make my conclusion and intro stronger, and possibly what score range this essay would be in. Thank you!
Prompt: Can success be disastrous?
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Success is to achieve one's dreams and wishes, and as humans, success is usually one of the parameters for happiness. Yet not all successful scenarios end in happiness. Often the successful ones will find themselves plagued with new problems as a result of their achievements, problems that are sometimes worse than those dealt with before success. Success can not only be problematic, it can be disastrous.
One of the most successful people in American history was Andrew Carnegie. Carnegie, founder of Carnegie Steel and icon of the American Industrial Revolution, rose from rags to riches in an epitomized version of the American Dream. He became one of the world's richest men through his steel empire. Yet the wealth and accolades he earned also came with protest and legal issues. Smaller companies detested his use of trusts to knock competition out, and eventually, Carnegie's empire faded away with the passing of he Sherman Anti-Trust Acts. Carnegie's success was riveting in its buildup, but disastrous for all the other companies he overshadowed.
The chaos of success is not limited to individuals. Entire countries may be plunged into tumult by success. The stock market crash of 1929 is one such example. Americans had just experienced the Roaring 20's, a golden age of economic prosperity for even the poorest farmers. Businesses everywhere thrived and stocks soared. Yet this ephemeral era of good feelings brought unforeseen disaster when the market suddenly disappeared as a result of the lavish lifestyle people were jumping into. The upshot was a decade of economic depression, one of America's worst financial times. The Great Depression showed us that where there is success, catastrophe is sure to follow close behind.
While success is a well-deserved conclusion to hard work and toil, it is not the end-all-be-all to life. As we enjoy the fruits of our labors, we must always be prepared to face any unforeseen consequences that may result from our successes, because as history has proven many times, success can be disastrous.
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Hey there!
your essay was very good but I think it can still use some tweaking here and there. What you could do is before you conclude you can write a few lines about how success is not always disastrous. You could maybe, present a counter argument. In doing so you will be showing the reader your analytical skills, which is what the readers are looking out for. You can also add a few transitional phrases like moreover, nevertheless, meanwhile, furthermore, etc which will help with the flow of ideas. Hope that helps a bit! :D
Szhang25, I will work on you title first, I guess if we re-phrase it, it will mean more;
- Success is to achieve one's dreams and wishes but not all successful scenarios end indreams leads to happiness
Now your essay;
- Yet not all successful scenarios end indreams leads to happiness.
- ..rose from rags to riches in anand epitomized the version of the American Dream.
- Carnegie's empire faded away with the passing of hewhen the Sherman Anti-Trust Acts got implemented .
- ..but disastrousit meant disaster for all the other companies he overshadowed.
- Entire countriesAn entire country may be plunged into tumultturmoil by success.
- The stock market crash ofin 1929 is one such example.
-...showed us that wherewhen there is success,..
Upon reading your essay, I can't help but notice that at some point you are actually talking from experience, however, I want to remind you that, when writing, you have to be objective.
