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Students under 18 should not be allowed to hold jobs


Gahui 1 / -  
Nov 11, 2013   #1
The teenagers desire to earn money for the shortest pleasures desperately, so they choose to hold jobs. The reason is because they are not fully capable of making wise decisions at their ages. However, students under eighteen years old should not be allowed to hold jobs because working is not duty of students, it is too hazardous for them, and it is not helpful in terms of a sense of thriftiness.

To begin with, students should not have a part-time job because working is not duties of students. Duties of students are studying hard and adapting to school life successfully, not earning money to afford their necessities. They are still able to know the skills of spending money wisely even without working when they are young. They will become money-oriented. It is also disturbing for students to work while studying. It would be too late to learn again for the students who concentrate more on work than studying. When they graduate school and obtain remarkable careers, they can earn more valuable money in safer and sustainable place. So, their obligation is not working but studying hard and adapting school life without difficulties

Additionally, students should not hold a part-time job because holding job is too dangerous for them. The reason for this is that most of the work places have awful condition. Unfortunately, there are countless children who are killed at work. Some injuries or ill health may result in fatal disease or permanent disability. It also deteriorates physical and emotional growth because of dangerous and unhealthy conditions, as well as psychological hazards such as isolation, abuse and exploitation. Students ought to not hold jobs due to weak condition which will cause great harm to health.

Last but not least, students should not work part-time job because it does not help develop a sense of thriftiness among young people. The most common reason why a lot of students want to work is because of their needless extravagant. Many students spend the money on high-priced items, luxuries that their parents can hardly afford. They would never realize the importance of money by doing so.

The world is made of full of diverse opinions because people from different walks of life may take different stances on this issue. Nowadays, some people may hold the opinion that students are justified to work. However, I strongly believe that students should not be permitted to work because it is not their duties at the age of teens, it is too insecure for them to work, and it does not benefit them about economic concept.
gabbie 9 / 19 3  
Nov 12, 2013   #2
The teenagers desire to earn money for the shortest pleasures desperately,

what do you mean bu stating "the shortest pleasures" ? Why desperately ? it sounds a bit awkward

The reason is because

the reason for this is that

students under eighteen years old

students who are under 18 years old

hazardous for them

hazardous to them

in terms of a sense of thriftiness.

thrift

duties

duty

They will become money-oriented.

this does not link with previous statements

It is also disturbing for students to work while studying

it interrupts students' studying

When they graduate school and obtain remarkable careers

graduate from schools/colleges

they can earn more valuable money in safer and more sustainable place

ways

Students ought to not hold jobs due to weak condition which will cause great harm to health.

not to
the weak condition
their health

their needless extravagant

extravagant is adjective

The world is made of full of diverse opinions because people from different walks of life may take different stances on this issue .

omit this sentence and replace by "in conclusion"

by the way, all your body paragraphs say about "part-time job" not "job" in general. it does not stick to your prompt at all
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Nov 14, 2013   #3
What's the purpose of writing this essay? TOEFL, IELTS or GRE? It's better you include it in the title. Also make sure that you include the prompt in the essay for us to give you more meaningful comments.

However, students under eighteen years old should not be allowed to hold jobs because working is not duty of students, it is too hazardous for them, and it is not helpful in terms of a sense of thriftiness.

However, the students below eighteen years should not be allowed to work part time because this activity may deteriorate their keenness in studies.
In each body paragraph, you need to provide a more specific example to support the reasons you choose to justify !
hemip000 1 / 2 1  
Nov 14, 2013   #4
I would suggest you merge some of the paragraphs. For instance, paragraph 3 and 4 an be merged. It is probably not correct to start a ne paragraph with the word "Additionally" because that word indicates a continuation of the argument in the last sentence and a paragraphs typically signals a new point, issue, or arument to be addressed or made.


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