Hi I am preparing for the CBEST exam and just looked at the practice test on the official website... I was wondering if I could get some feedback on my essay... It is about students and the difficulties they face, how to overcome. Some I ended up writing this essay and need some feedback... it took me longer than expected and was wondering where I could simplify so that I can finish 2 essays in 1 hour. Thanks
Throughout history, many people have been faced with obstacles and minor setbacks. These difficulties can stem from different aspects within our life; they can happen as a result of conflict, misunderstanding, lack of confidence, or they can even stem from an underlying hardship. As a mature and educated adult, I have come to realize that the majority of my difficulties have been a result of my need for approval. I tend to overburden myself with miscellaneous tasks and undertake a lot of pressure to please others.
In the fifth grade, I decided I wanted to run for class representative, take the lead female role in a Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice play, start a fundraiser for disadvantaged children- alongside my constant role as the teacher's assistant in tutoring other students. My teacher at the time, Mrs. Heart warned me not to take on too many tasks, yet it did not register properly. Needless to say I committed to fulfill all these tasks within a two month time frame.
I did not realize the pressure and amount of work I would endure. Mrs. Heart consistently asked for my progress and whether I would need any assistance or relief of some tutoring duties and I reassured her that all was fine. However deep inside I knew I was over my head in projects, homework, and household chores. The two months I spent were horrific, tiresome and dreadful. As a result of my overachieving dilemma, I had three student complaints about unavailability for tutoring, received many lectures from family, friends and teachers, as well as forgetting my lines on stage while performing "Merchant of Venice". I was ashamed of my efforts because I realized my mistake.
As a result of this horrifying experience I pinpointed my faults and learned to pace myself and not to overtake too many tasks. Afterwards I told myself that I would perfect what I did if I only took on one project at a time. This has allowed me to become a decorated graduate student and a loving wife and mother as well as a happy and content individual.
Throughout history, many people have been faced with obstacles and minor setbacks.---I think this is too obvious. If it is a statement of the obvious, it is not a good opening line.
These Here is an interesting way to start:
Difficulties can stem from different aspects within our of life; they can happen as a result of conflict, misunderstanding, lack of confidence, or they can even stem even from an underlying hardship.----I had to trim away the excess, but you have a great observation here.
... result of my need for approval. ----oh, interesting. Now you really have my attention. And another thing: I DISAPPROVE of your need for approval! Ha ha, now what are you going to do... (just kidding around).
Needless to say I committed resolved to fulfill all these tasks within a two-month time frame.---I added a hyphen, too...
As a result of this horrifying experience--Ha ha, I like your writing style.
Welcome to EF, Elsie!
Congratulations. it 's really a goog essay. carry on. it is also a good topic to discuss. I really apreciate that.
Good luck.
Hi,
Thanks for the nice essay. I learned more from your essay. Actually, I am a beginner for the essay writing.
