So this is my general essay for college, and I was wondering if someone could help me with it. I am not really a great writer per say... I was also wondering if I should just scrap it and go with a different topic:
I can remember the crunching of the yellow and brown leaves, the coldness that rushed against my red, rosy face. I can remember playing football, every Sunday with my 9 cousins. Yes this is a typical fall day, at my grandma and grandpa's house. There will always be one day that I will never forget. I was 12-13 at the time, and in the distance I saw something being put into one of my cousin's mouth. I figured that they saw me, as my cousin Will, who was 15 at the time, came up to me, and I finally got a whiff of what was in his mouth... dip, chewing tobacco, what ever you want to call it, but he says
"Michael, please promise don't tell your mom"
"Ummm... Ok" I replied
I often think back on those words, because I was scared and I was worried for him. I was a little kid I didn't know what to do, should I tell my mom or should I not tell my mom that was the question. I eventually did not tell my mom. I saw his downfall, one month later, my aunt Carol, actually announces to our family that Will started to smoke marijuana, and that by 18, he was in rehab for all sorts of drugs. I often think about would things have turned out differently, if I had told, and honestly I don't things would have changed. Will is well Will; he is independent, smart, funny, persuasive, and most importantly defiant. Even if I told my mom, I think that he still would have gone against her wishes, and still end up in rehab. I still love him, and I would never judge him, even for all wrong he has done, and I feel like that is why we are so close now. I regret nothing. Even looking back, I wouldn't break my word.
I'm not sure if you should scrap it or not, but I can fix an error that i spotted.
I figured that they saw me, as my cousin Will, who was 15 at the time, came up to me, and I finally got a whiff of what was in his mouth...Dip chewing tobacco, what ever you want to call it, but he said
that statement sounded awkward
The first 4 sentences... I think they are the sentence you need to to write to get warmed up... but they should be taken out of the final draft. They are sort of irrelevant... You should condense them into one sentence and then give the sentence that expresses what the essay is about:
... When I was 12-13 at the time twelve, and in the distance I saw one of my cousins putting something in the corner of something being put into one of my cousin's his mouth. I figured that they saw me, as my cousin Will, who was 15 at the time, came up to me, and I finally got a whiff of what was in his mouth... chewing tobacco. He said:dip, chewing tobacco, what ever you want to call it, but he says
"Michael, please promise, don't tell your mom"
I took out some words and phrases to make it more efficient. If you include unnecessary details, they become like weeds in a garden.
:-)
