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IELTS-sense of competition or cooperation?


answers: 8
Feb 7, 2011, 05:56pm   #
Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.



Teaching children plays an important role on building their characters and their future life. Besides future responsibilities of a country will be held by them. Therefore different approaches of teaching children are common topics of discussion when some parents try to build a sense of competition in them but some others focus on their co-operation behavior.

One cannot deny that competitive children extremely try to improve their achievement in any field Since they admire the sense of fulfillment. As a result in future adults who have striking background will take...

SEE BELOW

Feb 7, 2011, 11:40pm   #
Hi!
I pointed out several minor mistakes.

One cannot deny that competitive children extremely try to improve their achievement in any field. Since they admire the sense of fulfillment. As a result in future adults who have striking background will take the advantages of opportunities in work place compared to ordinary people who may only fit medium-level occupation. More over, competition motivate individuals to see how others act and what the positive and negative sides of their attempt are and .This helps them to excel in various aspects like social activity or their business.
Hi,
u havent added ny theme sentence in ur introduction.its really required.

- conclusion is also not as strong as the points u have stated.

- i feel there is a lack of cohesion among different paras.... U need to just write few connecting lines which leads to the next para.... Rest u have written good.... Just a little more practice is needed.

Good luck n all the best.
Feb 8, 2011, 07:26am   #
thanks Tom and Ajit you have got good points:)

@ajit:could you please give an example of what you mean by "U need to just write few connecting lines which leads to the next para"? do you mean words like "Moreover" that I used within the para?
Feb 12, 2011, 01:58pm   #
You have some grammar errors, but overall, it's ok.

Teaching children plays an important role on in building their characters and their future life. Besides, future responsibilities of for a country will be held by them. Therefore different approaches of teaching children are is common topics of discussion when some parents try to build a sense of competition in them but some others focus on their co-operation cooperative/co-operative behavior.
One cannot deny that competitive children extremely (a bit exaggerating, hm?) remarkably try to improve their achievement in any field, since they admire the sense of fulfilment. As a result, adults who have had striking/splendid background past will take the advantages of in various opportunities and positions (it seems logic to add this, otherwise there isn't any contrast at all) in at work place, compared in contrast to ordinary people who may only fit fit only medium-level occupation. More over Moreover competition motivates individuals to see how others act and what the positive and negative sides of their attempt are and this helps them to excel in various aspects like social activity or their business.
However, others put forward the view that children need to learn how to work cooperatively, and competition never leads to treats so but competition doesn't support this. They claim that every person has got its own talent and identifying his/her skill is more important, since in a group activity various abilities are needed to result in development. Moreover in today's method of working work methods there are big organizations have which their duties are divided and allocated to a several parts, and a meaningful cooperation of employees therefore a cooperation between employees is the only way to get the work done. It demands communication skills to share information.
In conclusion, I would concede that competition do come with some adverse aeffects. Despite that the benefits created by it far outweigh its poor points created benefits outweight poor points (I'm not really sure, what you tried to say here). Overall, I am convinced that we should be encouraged (I'm not sure, if you can use encourage in such form) inspired to be competitive, in order to achieve our goals in the best way possible.

Plus, since you are practising for IELTS, check this link:
http://www.yourdictionary.com/grammar-rules/affect-effect-grammar.html
Feb 15, 2011, 11:33am   #
Looking good, Maryam.

Now I want to suggest that you should retype it with the corrections you got here. That is the way to practice and improve. And we will see if you still have errors.

Also, let's look at that first sentence: Teaching children plays an important role on building their characters and their future life.
This is obvious, so it makes the essay seem boring when the reader starts to read. Maybe it will be better if you think of the most clever, insightful sentence and put that at the beginning of the essay. Surprise the reader at the beginning with a great, unexpected sentence.... an "intriguing" sentence.
Feb 16, 2011, 10:25am   #
dear Susan,here is my corrected essay (according to the comments)
needs your final comments,

tnx

Teaching methods play important roles in building childrens' characters and future life. Besides, future responsibilities for a country will be held by them. Therefore different approaches of teaching children is common topic of discussion when some parents try to build a sense of competition in them but some others focus on their co-operative behavior.

One cannot deny that competitive children remarkably try to improve their achievement in any field since they admire the sense of fulfilment. As a result, adults who have had striking past will take the advantage in various opportunities and positions in the work place, in contrast to ordinary people who may fit only medium-level occupation. Moreover, competition motivates individuals to see how others act and what the positive and negative sides of their attempt are.This helps them to excel in various aspects like social activity or their business.

However, others put forward the view that children need to learn how to work cooperatively.but competition doesn't support this. They claim that every person has got its own talent and identifying his/her skill is more important since in a group activity various abilities are needed to result in development. Moreover in work methods big organizations have their duties divided and allocated to a several parts. Therefore a cooperation between employees is the only way to get the work done. It demands communication skills to share information.

In conclusion, I would concede that competition do come with some adverse effects. Despite that created benefits far outweigh the poor points. Overall, I am convinced that we should be inspired to be competitive, in order to achieve our goals best way possible.
Feb 24, 2011, 08:03pm   #
...childrens' characters and future lives.

Besides, they will hold future responsibilities for a country. ( I changed it to the "active voice") will be held by them.


In conclusion, I would concede that competition do does come with some adverse effects.

Despite that, created benefits far...

:-)



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