Seeking a bright future in the land of opportunity

I would like some help with a college application essay. I would appreciate any opinions and suggestions. Thanks beforehand !

prompt:

Rutgers requires that you provide a short essay that is your original work. Please reflect on what you consider to be an important personal experience related to your talents, interests, or commitments. Using this experience, please tell us what you learned about yourself. How will this experience prepare you for success at Rutgers?

my essay :

Eight years ago I arrived to this land seeking better opportunities. Opportunities that were limited in my home country. Coming from a home where my mother was the only support for me and my two younger sisters, the possibility of going to college was not something I took for granted. As a kid I enjoyed watching history and science related TV shows, Beakman's World was one my of my favorites. I was curious and found myself fascinated by science. My mother encouraged my childhood explorations, she taught me how to count and multiply as early as five years old. I used to picture myself as an adult wearing a lab coat, working with beakers, flasks, microscopes and lab rats. I wanted to go to college someday, not only to get a higher education but also to be able to get a job to help my mother and sisters. As I grew older I realized that in order to make your dreams come true you have to make sacrifices and take risks.

It was not easy to leave my family and friends behind but I was determined to work hard to achieve my goals. I was not going to let the adversities get in my way. So there I was one afternoon, getting off a plane at XXXX Airport with a backpack on my back and suitcase full of dreams. I knew I had the potential to change my life and succeed despite the new challenges ahead of me. A month later, I took the first step and enrolled in school. The teachers, my classmates, the educational system, everything was so different. I didn't see that as a challenge but rather as an opportunity to learn and experience new things. I learned English and was placed in regular classes in less than a year. I felt motivated by the fact that teachers encouraged me to keep up the good work. I continued my education through college even though life as a student was not always easy. Like many other students, I had to balance my time between school and work, but in my case I was by myself in a foreign country. Sometimes, I felt jealous about how other kids had their parents to support them not only financially but also emotionally, I didn't have that privilege. I had ups and downs but always managed to land on my feet in the end. Thanks to these experiences, I have become a mature adult and a better person.

I am currently attending XXX College where I pursue an XXX degree in XXXX. I am a XXXX Scholar and member of the XXXX Honor Society. During my journey, I have grown as a student. I have learned to overcome challenges, to adapt to a new social environment. I learned to never give up when you feel pushed by your problems because when you believe in yourself you can make your goals happen. At Rutgers, I would to gain the skills to lead a successful and productive life. I am passionate about science and I see myself conducting scientific research in the future. As a professional, I would like to give back to the community what the community is now giving me. I want open my wings and fly even higher. I want to go to a four-year school where I can develop my potential, increase my knowledge and make my dreams come true. My goal is to major in XXXX and eventually focus on XXXX. I would like to pursue a PhD in the future . I seek the power to change my life as well as the lives of those around me.

Bero, while the essay that you wrote was quite informative. It was more of a personal essay that simply spoke of your background instead of answering the key dictate of the prompt which is to


Therefore, you need to choose a talent, interest, or commitment on your part which you can discuss in the essay. You did not make reference to any of the three choices for the topic, hence the essay prompt was not correctly satisfied. I suggest that you choose a talent of yours or a commitment that you have made in life, perhaps pertaining to your college education, and then explain how striving to achieve that has helped you prepare for a Rutgers education. Now, this will take a little research on your part because you need to know what a Rutger education is all about. Going to the university website should be able to help you learn about the objectives, goals, and mission of the university. Perhaps you will find something in your past experiences that will connect directly to one of those descriptions. Discuss those in order to properly answer the prompt.

While your essay says a lot about you and I can tell that you tried your best to satisfy the prompt, your answer was not as pointedly direct and did not really reveal anything in relation to the prompt specifics, which is why I am advising you to revise the essay after doing some research and reflection. I believe that the essay will benefit from that process of development on your part. Try your hand at the revision. We are here to help you out :-)

Hi thanks for taking the time, I appreciate your suggestion and I agree with you. I am going to start working on a more specific essay. In the mean time I am also applying to another school and this is their prompt:

Describe a significant life experience and how it has shaped the person you are today.

Do you think I could use my original essay to submit to this school?

When I am done with my Rutgers essay I will be back here, I hope you are around. Thanks again!

You can definitely use this essay for that prompt. In fact, is specifically addresses the needs of the essay so you won't have to change much of the the content but, you will need to improve the grammar because it has some problems here and there that need to be addressed. Rather than discussing the "I am a student at..." part in the end of the essay, you need to change that instead to a description of how you have changed as a person due to the life experiences you have had over the past 8 years. That is so the essay will fully address the final prompt of the prompt that states


You can post that revised essay as a separate thread so that we can comment on it as well :-)