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A scary house - descriptive essay


answers: 1
Prompt was to describe a place.

I think I did a good job with that. I tried not to use too many "I" but that proved to be a bit difficult. I'm trying to get rid of all the vague sentence starters that my teacher informed me about.

1) Is my thesis statement ok?
2) Is my conclusion alright?

Critique as always, please.



The Scary House

As I stood, gazing at the dilapidated house. I shivered, as though, ice had replaced my spine. The cold air enveloped the entire body. The multiple layer of clothing could not protect against the deathly cold. The walkway leading up to house were cracked. Weeds and dandelions poked out from these cracks. Red roses grown wildly in thick batches by the gate. The moonlight cast a ghoulish glow on the house. Vines formed a twisted maze upon the side of house, reaching their tentacles towards the roof. The house's walls showed black decay by neglect. Splotches of original paint hinted at the house former prosperity. Cobwebs covered the corners of the doors, tiny black spiders threading towards their prey. The house is fit for the kings and queens of the supernatural.

The door begrudgingly creaked open. A musty, dank order creep into my nose. The house was dead silence except for the intermittent creaks and moans. Black and brown mold dotted the ceiling in clusters, evident of rain seeping through the roof. I quietly entered the dark living room. Windows covered with grime and dirt, the calm moonlight struggled to penetrate the darkness in thin thread rays. Sharp shadows roamed around the room. The sofa and chairs overturned revealing deep grooves on the ground where they used to sit. Wallpaper lay curled on the floor. A large jagged hole dug through the wall stood as though daring any to enter. Picture frames hanged off-centered. Sharp shadows roamed around the room. A misplaced grand bookcase stood the corner of the room, undisturbed for a long time. Selecting the correct book could reveal a secret doorway into a labyrinth.

I made my way back into the hallway, a slimmer of light came from behind a door. I approached and opened the door. I had reached the bathroom. The single window was mildly dirty, a flood of light flowed into the room. Dust swirled around the room as I made my way inside. The medicine cabinet mirror lay shattered in pieces on the floor tile. Empty medicine bottle lay in the porcelain sink. The only sound to be heard is the drip, drip of the faucet. A closer look revealed the discoloration of the water, a brownish concoction. A lone mouse stood sentry at the bottom of the tub. Never having a visitor in a while, it curiously eyed me before scuttling away. Approaching the bathtub, a violent odor made it way to my nose. Pinching my nose, I leaned over and peered inside. Crusty rags filled the bathtub, little hints of movement underneath them. It would be unadvisable to see what is under the rags.

I arrived at the foot of the staircase. I stood and peered at the top, wondering when a twisted head person will crawl down and have me for dinner. I summoned strength and tiptoed my way up the stairs. Each step intensified the moaning and creaking as if the steps could collapse at any moment. I turned to the right, and met my final destination. The door did not give way easier, a forceful push was needed. Stepping inside, a dresser seem to have been pushed against the door, attempting to deny anyone entry. I could make out the silhouette of bed, edging in closer for a better look. A toy dinosaur lay missing its head on the bed. The sheet was splattered with a dark color. The wind intensified outside, the rustling of the leaves and branches were louder. In the corner, a little chair began to rock slowly. The room had once belonged to a boy. The thin strips of wallpaper showed little trucks. Crayon markings scrambled upon the wall where wallpaper used to stick. The carpet squished as I walked. Little picture frames remained facedown on the carpet.

A howl echoed throughout the house. It was time to leave, I told myself. I closed the bedroom door behind as I carefully walked down the stairs. I hoped I did not disturb anything or its somber rest. I made my way outside where my group of friends was standing. They asked me what took me so long; I replied that escaping the ghosts was difficult.

Greetings!

I think you've done a great job with description! The only real problems I see are with grammar and punctuation. Here are the sentences in which I made corrections:

As I stood, gazing at the dilapidated house, I shivered, as though ice had replaced my spine. The cold air enveloped my entire body. The multiple layers of clothing I wore could not protect against the deathly cold. The walkways leading up to the house were cracked.

Red roses grew wildly in thick batches by the gate.

The house's walls showed black decay, caused by neglect. Splotches of original paint hinted at the house's former prosperity.

The house was fit for the kings and queens of the supernatural.

A musty, dank odor crept into my nose. The house was dead silent except for the intermittent creaks and moans. Black and brown mold dotted the ceiling in clusters, evidence of rain seeping through the roof.

The sofa and chairs were overturned, revealing deep grooves on the ground where they used to sit.

A large jagged hole dug through the wall stood as though daring any to enter. - I'm not sure holes really stand; better might be "beckoned as though daring any to enter."

Picture frames hung off-center.

I made my way back into the hallway; a glimmer [or sliver] of light came from behind a door.

Empty medicine bottle lay in the porcelain sink. - Either say "An empty medicine bottle" or "Empty medicine bottles"

The only sound to be heard was the drip, drip of the faucet.

Not having had a visitor in a while, it curiously eyed me before scuttling away. As I approached the bathtub, a violent odor made its way to my nose.

It would be unadvisable to see what was under the rags.

I stood and peered at the top, wondering when a twisted head person would crawl down and have me for dinner. [a "twisted head person"?]

The door did not give way easily; a forceful push was needed. Stepping inside, I saw that a dresser seemed to have been pushed against the door, attempting to deny anyone entry. - I know you're trying to avoid using "I" too much, but if you say "Stepping inside, a dresser seemed to have been pushed against the door," you are saying that the dresser stepped inside. :-)

Edging in closer for a better look, I could make out the silhouette of a bed

A toy dinosaur lay on the bed, its head missing.

You've really described the creepiness well! I especially like the ending!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com



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