Pyon9x, I would suggest that you revise this essay in its totality. It has a lot of grammatical problems that need to be addressed and the discussion itself is weak and does not offer much in terms of strategies for immersing oneself in a new country / environment. To begin with:
Have you ever been distant away from your hometown? Moving to new places and involving in new environment may bring about either enjoyable or dreadful experiences. This essay will emphasise on the obstacles people may get on the move, and ways to mitigate these issues.
- The opening statement is way too short. You should not address the reader directly by posing a question because the prompt does not call for that. Also, you need to clarify if you will be discussing migration to a new country or a new city and then stick to that discussion. I would suggest moving to another country because that calls for more adjustment and strategies in order to adjust to a new life.
Firstly, people could face the problem of language barrier when moving to new places [can you show me way to improve this topic sentence? thank you]
- Say "Moving to a new country almost always produces a language barrier because each country speaks a different language. Even the English language has the British and English version and sometimes those 2 languages are in conflict as well." Then talk about the difficulties of being a second language learner and how that prohibits the smooth adjustment of the immigrant in the new country.
Your second argument is quite sound. I would suggest developing it more by explaining how immigrants have a hard time overcoming their old traditions in favor of new ones and then discuss how that hinders his assimilation into the new culture and way of life that he has to get used to.
Your conclusion should include suggestions on how to best overcome the language barrier (such as enrolling in language classes) and culture shock (by slowly adjusting his thought process to the new culture) in order to solidify your argument and present strategies regarding how to deal with the hindrances the immigrants face.
I hope you can use some of my suggestions. Good luck with revising the paper. I look forward to reading the 2nd version :-)