Hi guy! I will have an IELTS exam next week and I need 6.0, could you correct my mistakes ? thanks for reading my essay.
"Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood. The idea that women are
solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they
are also responsible for bringing the children up."
Nowaday, with the development of society women not only just stay at home cooking, washing, and do housework but also they work oustside home. In new world the role is change, women have an important role in our life and they have the same power with the men. In this topic we will discuss about who responsible for bringing up the children.
I definitely agree with this, father should be responsible for bringing up children. Parents are the most important for their youngster, without parents they can't be a good people. With the father's caring can help children to have a heathier body, while mothers always protect their youngster from outside activites, their fathers are in contrast. They always want their children enjoy outsite activites, sports or voluntary work. Consequently, their heath may be improved day by day and avoid diseases. But in some cases, fathers usually don't stay at home, when the children have problems at the school or at their life they can't tell with fathers so they can tell with their mothers. Mothers usually close to them, they can give some advises helpful.
All in all, fathers should have an important role as mother looking after their children. This is not only duty for mothers, father should support mothers in this duty.
I see that Jen made some excellent corrections here! Notice that she put an s at the end of your "nowadays." This word means something like: During these days of recent times...
And I would add another change to something Jen already fixed for you:
Nowadays, with the development of society, women no longer stay...
If you write "no longer," it expresses the fact that a change happened and that women are now playing other roles -- roles that they historically could not access.
Nice job!
:-)
