hello,everyone. i have done my essay, desperately waiting for ur feedbacks. thanks in advance!
Topic: Pressure on the school and university is increasing and students are pushed to hard work when they are young. Do you think it a positive or negative development?
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There is almost complete consensus regarding the common sense which hard working contributes to a happy life. However, when teenagers are forced to work hard, due to the dramatically increasing pressure ahead of them, whether they go to university or straggle to make a living, then the acceptance of hard working hard for better life should be taken into reconsideration. As far as I can see, the negative influence generated from this phenomenon should not be ignored and be properly dealt with.
First and foremost, if a child, not because of his own interest, has to choose something, which may be the basic life skills or useful to promote himself in his later life, to learn, he may reach the original expectation set by his parents or the society, but in most cases, there comes a frustrating consequence. For instance, he probably only loses the opportunity to get the life skills facing failure, what is worse, he totally loses the confidence to learn anything accompanied with constant hesitation about himself and the nonstop criticism from his parent. If so, it will be apathetic of him and his family.
Much more disappointment follows which leads to the whole nation's tragedy. Once, adolescents , losing their faith and confidence, get stuck in their other aspect of life owing to the lack of creativity and ability to solve problems Then, the nation will step into a situation where everyone just carries on the repeatable jobs asking for no talent. Nevertheless, the boring and pale atmosphere of life surely results to the instability of the nation.
Where do the above terrible things come from? Highly developed technology and fast-paced society require advanced talent people, thus forming the pressure of education received by everyone. In addition, limited facilities and booming population once again makes the situation worse, if he wants to get access to the equipment to further his study. Another cause also ac counts, "one-child policy" put forward by countries like china allows one couple have only one child, thus the whole family's reputation and future are placed on the little child's shoulder. A fate has been settled that he should try everything all that he can to achieve the ever best even before he is born.
All too often, we have seen and continue to see the campaign for family's or individual happiness with great burden on shoulders. As for myself, I do hope the whole society and every family should rethink and redefine the meaning of success which may find new roads for nowadays young men to realize not only their family's and nation's expectations but their own dreams.
You have used a wide vocabulary, I think that is talented.
Also
[As for myself, I do hope the whole society and every family should rethink and redefine the meaning of success, which may finds new roads for nowadays young men to realize not only their family's and nation's expectations but their own dreams.]
That's what I could catch, I think EF_Kevin and EF_Sean will help you better. :)
(In addition, I agree with you :( Let us not be like this on our children...)
"There is almost complete consensus regarding the common sense which hardworking contributes to a happy life." You are saying here that hard work builds common sense, and that this common sense in turn builds a happy life. Is that what you were trying to say? Of did you mean that common sense tells us that hard work is necessary to achieve a happy life?
"whether they go to university or struggle to make a living"
Hmmm . . . your essay from this point on argues that the pressure on students is a bad thing. However, this seems to have nothing to do with the fact that the students have to work hard. Rather, the pressure is negative for various other reasons. Could you revise the essay so that you are better dealing with both halves of the the prompt? Or maybe simply so that you are ignoring one half altogether. You could just rewrite the introduction to ignore the idea of hard work. At the moment, though, your introduction doesn't really seem to connect to the rest of your essay.
Yes, as you refine the essay to cover the prompt perfectly, it will be good to add one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph. It can be a sentence that tells the main point of the essay. Another sentence there t the end of that first paragraph will help a lot, if you make it a sentence that explains the main idea very well.
I don't see grammar errors; this is great! Your essay reminds me about Daoist scripture that I was reading yesterday; Do nothing, and nothing will be left undone." I think it would be good to also quote Dao De Jing chapter 20 in this essay. Is this mostly about China?
If it is about China, the question is even more interesting, because China is about to replace India as the country that most wealthy counties want to outsource skilled labor to.
