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"I am a Proud African" VCU write about you and why you choose VCU.


answers: 3
Dec 23, 2010, 05:33pm   #
Brief Personal Statement - In 250-300 words, tell us more about you and why you are considering VCU.

(Currently 294 words)
Despite protests from my family members and other Ghanaians in my community, I consider myself first and foremost African American. No one needs to give me permission to claim myself as an African. I do not feel the need to justify that I am African by owning an African passport or wearing African clothing. One of my feet is deeply rooted in Ghana, Africa, which I call home; while my other foot is embedded in the United States - where I was born. I am African American in the truest meaning: an African living in America. Yet, I could classify myself as Ghanaian American, Ashanti American (my father's tribe), or Ewe American (my mother's tribe).

SEE BELOW

Can you please help me revise my essay. Also I cant think a final sentence to write to end my essay. Any suggestions would be much appreciated. Thank-You... :)

I think this essay is great. You answer both questions and I find the first paragraph really interesting. The only complaint I have with the last paragraph is the phrase "seal the deal". You come off as an unique person through your essay so this common saying feels strange. I think it would be better to rephrase it.

If you have time, I would appreciate it if you can give me some feedback on one of my essays.
Dec 24, 2010, 04:17pm   #
Attached on merging:
"I am a Proud African" VCU write about you and why you choose VCU.

Brief Personal Statement - In 250-300 words, tell us more about you and why you are considering VCU.

(Currently 278 words)
Despite protests from my family members and other Ghanaians in my community, I consider myself first and foremost African American. No one needs to give me permission to claim myself as an African. I do not feel the need to justify that I am African by owning an African passport or wearing African clothing. One of my feet is deeply rooted in Ghana, Africa, which I call home; while my other foot is embedded in the United States - where I was born. I am African American in the truest meaning: an African living in America. Yet, I could classify myself as Ghanaian American, Ashanti American (my father's tribe), or Ewe American (my mother's tribe).

I am a dark skinned African woman with features that reflect my heritage. I love the dark pigmentation of my skin, the plumpness of my nose, the defined profile of my waist and the fullness of my lips. I am "Nappy & Happy." My kinky, coarse soars toward the sun like a blooming tulip in springtime. I cherish the uniform that I was issued.

Many factors contribute to my desire to become Ram. Virginia Commonwealth University's diversity of students and clubs will allow me to interact with people from diverse cultures. Not only does VCU have innovative faculties and programs, but it also has a small student-to-faculty ratio. Attending VCU will allow me stay close to my family while experiencing the college life. Additionally, VCU offers directly health related programs as opposed to numerous other universities which offer less medical based majors. In fact it is VCU's pre-medicine program, which I will opt for my sophomore year, that sealed the deal for me.

Can you please help me revise my essay. Also I cant think a final sentence to write to end my essay. Any suggestions would be much appreciated. Thank-You... :)
Dec 24, 2010, 07:57pm   #
I think you don't really need your second paragraph since your first paragraph already strong about your identity.
In fact, focus more on your last paragraph. Tell them more about your interest in VCU.



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