The problems that Facebook can cause for us.

Your comments will help me a lot in learning. Don't hesitate to point out my mistakes, Plz .

Nowsaday when most people know how to use FB, not many of them know exactly what problems can FB cause. First of all, FB diminishes the direct contact among people. In such a high technological century that allows chatting through webcome easily, face to face arrangments become unnecessary. As a result, our relations in real life will soon loosen and break up eventually. Scendly, the abusement of FB can make its users illusive by fake fame.Some people even think themselves very popular because of milliom turns of likes and followers on the Internet although in fact not many people know who they are.Last but not least, the social network like FB is considered to create opportunities for crimes to be committed, for example money tricking, against- government bangs, rape and terrorism, In conclusion, FB will be our waste of time on worthless things if we don't make it function in the way it should.

Van, you have some spelling and grammar errors. Let me correct them for you. By the way, is this supposed to be a statement or an essay? If it is an essay, you need to learn to divide the topic discussions by paragraph in order to meet the IBC essay requirements.


This is my take on your essay:

Nowadays people know how to use Facebook, but not many are familiar with the problems that using Facebook causes. Use of the website has been known to diminish the desire for direct contact among people. Since most conversations in this age of technology take place via the internet and webcams, face time is no longer necessary. This results in a breakdown of reality based relationships. People with millions of followers on Facebook tend to believe that they are popular even though they do not know the people who follow or like them. Facebook has also been noted to have caused a rise in cybercrimes being committed such as phising, spamming, financial scamming, and the like. Rape and terrorism are also a major concern among the users of Facebook. Facebook just wastes our time because it does not have a relevant function in our lives.

Now for the problems, based upon the premise that this should be an essay and not a statement:
1. The prompt indicates that you should be discussing the problems that Facebook causes for us. Yet you deviate from the topic because you mention conversations using web cams which is not a major thrust for FB users.

2. The statements can be made stronger if you lengthen the discussion of your ideas rather than just giving simple one liners. Present better developed ideas per paragraph and make sure to provide examples that at relevant to the topic.

3. Never use the acronym FB in a formal essay. Always use the whole world to display academic respect for the reader.
4. If the ending is your conclusion, you should not have presented a new idea in it because the conclusion should just be a summary of the essay contents.

Needless to say, this piece of work is in bad need of a revision. I hope to see it soon :-)

Really thank you for your help. :'( I know my writing is not good at all, but for this topic I just wrote a para.
By the way can u tell me how I can improve my use of languague in an academic way?

Vera, all I can advice you is what I often tell the kids here. Use formal English words in your essay. Do not use text spelling, emiticons, or internet word shortcuts when spelling or writing your statements. Practice format writing by reading English newspapers. Read the opinion columns, those columns are written in formal, academic English and will help you sort out how to properly write formal essays. More importantly, don't forget to keep practicing. Just keep writing your essays and you will eventually achieve the academic proficiency in the written word that you hope to achieve. Essay writing is not a skill developed overnight. You will need years of essay writing before you even achieve an almost native speaker level of writing in English.Don't lose heart. It will be a bit difficult at first but if you persevere, you will achieve the level of proficiency that you wish to have :-)

i'll bear it on my mind <3

Do not forget about layout. Moreover, attempt to rephrase your reasons in conclusion. It is better.