My first written essay, constructive criticism would be VERY much appreciated!
Topic: Is it important to questio the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority?
In people's lives, there is always an authority figure. All throughout our lives, we are taught and trained to respect and obey authority. We are rarely thought to question authority and the commands we receive. However, sometimes, questioning authority's power and orders is crucial. Sometimes, question and disobeying authority is the right thing to do.
Just last year on April 16th, the Sewol ferry started on its journey to Jeju Island. What was supposed to be a calm cruise ended in chaos and catastrophe. Shortly after the ship had started its trip, it began to sink. Surprisingly, the captain gave orders, asking that all passengers remain calm and on the ship. Ironically, immediately after his announcement, the captain frantically fled from the ship. As the ship continued to sink, so did 200+ innocent passengers, most of them being high school juniors.
Though a leader-an authority figure-is responsible for the majority, the captain of Sewol ferry failed to take responsibility. His careless decision cost the lives of naive civilians-and all they did was trust the authority figure's decision. Even though the passengers could see the boat clearly sinking, they decided to remain still because that's what they were told to do. Would the results of the tragic sinking be the same had the passengers decided to question the orders given?
Authority is meant to maintain order and to lead the majority. However, when ignorant and unwise thoughts and decisions are push on and encourages by authority figures, the results are most likely going to be hazardous. If the passengers had gone against the captain's oders, maybe Sewol would just be the name of a lost ship, not the home to lost souls
I think your first written essay is very good, to excellent! However, I would recommend giving more than one example, to back up your opinion. The example you give is very detailed, very passionate, and very insightful, but I would say that your essay would benefit from another paragraph. Perhaps you could even give an example of a time when listening to authority could save our lives: for example, in 911, the firefighters and policeman saved a lot of lives. Had the people not listened to these authorities, they may not have survived.
Your writing is varied, and allows the reader to stay interested, in terms of sentence variety. Your grammar and punctuation are good, too.
I recommend that you pay more attention to what article you use, and realize that sometimes you don't need one! Also, you need to break up sentences with commas, to allow proper pacing in the reader's breathing.
Avoid using the same word choice, for two sentences in a row. Try using a thesaurus, or dictionary, for that.
All in all, though, job well done!
ef_carol
