Well, I am preparing for the SAT. At the moment, I am working hard for the essay part. Please grade my essay out of 12 and give some feedbacks.
Thanks for advance!!!
Prompt 1:
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
Our cherished notions of what is equal and what is fair frequently conflict. Democracy presumes that we are all created equal; competition proves we are not, or else every contest would end in a tie. We talk about a level playing field, but it is difficult to make conditions equal for everyone without being unfair to some.
Adapted from Nancy Gibbs, "Cool Running"
Assignment: Is it possible for a society to be fair to everyone? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
My Essay:
"All the world is a stage ;And all men and women merely players", this is how humans live, as Shakespeare reckons in his master piece "As You Like It,", despite what democracy and reason suggest, people engage, since birth, in a harsh competition in which people's chance are unequal. And no matter what we do, society will remain fair to some and unfair to others.
Prejudges are one aspect of thinking in which society is completely subjective and unfair. During the 18th and 19th centuries, White race was considered as the ultimate race, proclaiming all the rights, society view every White as honest, smart, beautiful and thus superior. At the other side, most of other races were considered as barbaric, violent, ugly and thus inferior. Blacks in the U.S. suffered a lot from persecution, segregation and hate. All this sufferance took place in a country that prides its blue-sky thinking and its role to protect people's rights manifested in the Bill of Rights, enacted in the late 1600s. Not to mention, other societies where hunger, illiteracy and social strife is common place. During decades, society was unfair to Black and more broadly to ethnic minorities, this fact demonstrate that it is quite impossible to be fair to all.
At this context, I can point, also, to my experience. A friend of mine was brilliant in solving enigmatic mathematical problems. He had an astonishing capacity to deal with complex algebra, equations and geometry. But, in addition to his poverty, he has limited abilities in languages especially in English. Consequently, he failed to get accepted in U.S. universities because of his weakness. Had he get into one of the U.S. top universities he would probably achieve something great in the field of science. But, society and hard realities were against him, he was a great mind but, lacked the opportunity to show up and shape his skills. Ultimately, he ends up, in the street working volatile jobs to earn money for food and shelter.
Society is nothing but a race in which competitors have starkly different abilities; some are weak, others are strong, which is unfair but it's our life and none can escape human tragedy.
Hello, I will help assist you again. I would like to focus on meaning.
In your first paragraph, the only noticeable error is that chance should be plural.
However, the opening sentence of your second paragraph is confusing. There is a better way to state this sentence. Ex: "A tendency to prejudge is one aspect...". Change this to: "...the white..." When you use a term involving race it should be in all lowercase letters unless you begin a sentence using that word. Sufferance should be suffering. The next sentence where you discuss societies is an incomplete sentence. There needs to be more information after commonplace. Change these sentences: "During these decades...blacks...This fact demonstrates..."
The next paragraph instead of using "But" to explain your friend's poverty, you should use "However". Change accepted in to "accepted into". The next sentence doesn't begin well. Change: Had he get "If he was accepted..." Place a comma after universities. These sentences needed revision because you can form a new sentence and change your transition word: "Yet, society and hard realities were against him. He was a great mind but lacked the opportunity to show up and shape his skills. Ultimately, he lived in..." I'm not sure if he was homeless, so I made the suggest to change it to lived in.
Do you mean no one can escape human frailties?
I'm going to grade it a 10. This is a difficult topic to write about. Take your time and write.
- AThe tendency to prejudge
- At the other sideOn the other hand , most..
- DemoctraticDemocratic ( typo error but avoid it if you can ) societies were unfair to minorities,
- not to mention, other societies where hunger, illiteracy and social strife is a common place.
- DuringFor more decades, society was unfair..
- AtIn this context, I can also point, also, to my experience.
- ...which is unfair but it's our life and noneno one can escape from human tragedy.
Well, my goal in giving the inputs above is to somehow refine your essay. It is well written, however there are a few remarks that I notice and I hope it refines the essay. Just to share with you, life is taking shape the way a person want it to be, it's a matter of choice and choice always work hand in hand with life's consequences. The only thing that we can do is to follow the golden rule, DON'T DO UNTO OTHERS WHAT YOU DO NOT WANT OTHERS DO UNTO YOU.
