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Persuasive Writing - Travelling around the world


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Hi, I'm trying to improve my grade, where i have to write persuasively about any topic. i have chosen travel because its something that i love!!
Hope this is OK. i appreciate any advice . the first time around, i got 18/24 which is a B but i want to do better than that... :D

Why travel around the world?

The world around you is amazing! It's beautiful and we have the opportunity to do whatever we desire. The big blue sky with the sun's rays shining through fluffy clouds. Mountains which reach the sky like a stairway to heaven. Travelling and exploring new places is an incredible experience if you have the chance. With everything being so expensive, it's difficult for some people to go on adventures around the globe. Wouldn't you love to see the Great Wall of China; the northern lights; or the Grand Canyon? I know I would!

Why do people travel? Is it just for a business meeting or to see the family? There are hundreds of reasons. My reason is, for being a tourist, exploring and enjoying learning about other countries and their cultures and traditions. As someone once said, 'the world is your oyster''. We should embrace it, and take advantage of what we have been given. Whether you believe it or not. God made this incredible place for us. Seeing all the power He has and its beauty gives a feeling of awe. Stunning sights take my breath away! Is it not interesting finding out how other people live their everyday lives which they take for granted? It is as if they are blinded by the beauty around them.

(Then there's a paragraph about my experiences of travelling)

I have wonderful memories and stories of all these places. I dream of more places like those! They were all times of being with my family. However annoying and irritating they may be, its fun! When I am lying on my death bed, these are the things I hope to think off. You cannot say that you do not want to feel the way I do, about visiting these remarkable places. There are thousands more too. Near where you live and far far away in unknown lands... Some of the most astonishing places are the unexpected and hidden places.

Be brave and let loose your desires! Taste new foods even if you think you wont like them. You may be surprised... Take photos. Explore and take more photos. The memories are treasures! The best thing to do is to go to a city for one day. You'll feel a rush to go everywhere, but relax. Its supposed to be fun. You'll never forget those extravagant and eccentric landmarks, food or even the people. Save up your money now. Go with your family all around the world! Or you could go back-packing with friends for a few months for a once in a lifetime opportunity!

As somebody once said, 'the world is your oyster'. Accept all you have been given. Make the most of it and experience it to the max. This is our world; we have the right to see it all. Whether we're nine or ninety years old. Take the time to enjoy yourself and be mesmerised by your findings. I will do everything in my power to see as much as I can. I therefore insist and beg you to do so too. Remember what somebody once said...

You have written a very nice paper. I think you could get a better grade by improving your grammar so I will suggest a few changes:

The world around you is amazing! It's beautiful and we have the opportunity to do whatever we desire.
The first sentence says "you" then the 2nd says "we"-- I would suggest changing it to say "The world around us is amazing!"

The big blue sky is beautiful, with the sun's rays shining through fluffy clouds. Mountains are so tall which that they reach the sky like a stairway to heaven.
Very descriptive!

With everything being so expensive, it's difficult for some people to go on adventures around the globe.
I think this is not persuasive to travel, maybe omit this sentence.

My reason is, for being a tourist, exploring and enjoying learning about other countries and their cultures and traditions.
Try this:
Tourism is my reason to travel, explore, and enjoy learning about other countries, cultures, and traditions.

Whether you believe it or not, God made this incredible place for us.

Is it not interesting finding out how other people live their everyday lives which they take for granted? It is as if they are blinded by the beauty around them.
This sounds odd, Re-word this sentence.

However annoying and irritating they may be, its fun!
You could omit this sentence, it distracts me from the beautiful picture you have painted :)
Hi,
I am a Canadian Language teacher based in Thailand. I teach academic & creative prose.
I've read some of your first draft here but I get the feeling you are being too persuasive.

The world around you is amazing! It's beautiful and we have the opportunity to do whatever we desire. The big blue sky with the sun's rays shining through fluffy clouds. Mountains which reach the sky like a stairway to heaven. Travelling and exploring new places is an incredible experience if you have the chance. With everything being so expensive, it's difficult for some people to go on adventures around the globe. Wouldn't you love to see the Great Wall of China; the northern lights; or the Grand Canyon? I know I would!
[b]
The use of YOU and WE - rethink that pls.


Wouldn't you love to see the Great Wall of China; the northern lights; or the Grand Canyon? I know I would!

Who would not, of sound mind, have a desire to see and feel the Great Wall of China; the northern lights; or the Grand Canyon?

fluffy clouds = ponderous, silver lined clouds



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