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IELTS: Some people think that sense of competition in children should be encouraged.


answers: 3
Aug 19, 2013, 09:18am   #
Please grade my essay by your valuable suggestions.

Topic: Some people think that sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operative rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

The issue of whether competition or cooperation should be inspired among in children attributes to one of the thorny hills prevalent nowadays. Despite the variety and intricacy of the factors I would pore over some of the striking ones and give my opinion afterwards.

The proponents of the competition believe that a sense of competition in children ramp up the tendency to become more successful in their life. They believe that competitive environment or educational system pushes the urge to become more skillful and intellect in practical life. As for example, except some exception most of the brilliant pupils become very successful in their real life. On the other hand, joyfulness after success in a completion make people more hungry to become number one and speed up to reach at the apex of the prosperity. Moreover, completion is everywhere from international to national, government sector to private sector, and personal life to social life. Therefore, cultivating the sense of competition in childhood will bring the great success in life. Ironically, too much competitive manner in children can spurring the sense of rivalry at early state which can make them aggressive in later stage of life.
Co-operating, on the contrary, makes people to become more realistic in real life. Many hands in a team can solve a problem easier than an individual. For this reason, introduction of co-operative environment and education in early stage of life will escalate the children to socialize in adulthood. However, too much tearing up in group could be cumbersome. For instance, human have a tendency to act how they trained. At this standpoint, co-operating environment can diminish the individualism, in particular children can lose their creative thinking.

To sum up, as it is discussed, both competition and cooperation have pros and cons. I certainly believe that, with proper guidance, sense of competition would encourage the children to make their dream true. These children will be the precious factor of the society through their contribution to the society.
---Don't announce what you are going to do.
---Avoid "I" and other first-person pronouns. The reader knows who's writing the paper. Look:
me4mbd:
I certainly believe that, With proper guidance, sense of competition would encourage the children to make their dream true.

---The word "life" doesn't mean anything. (When or where else would something happen?)
---Why does the phrase "sense of" appear so many times?
---The word "competition" need not appear as many times as it does.


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Aug 19, 2013, 11:41am   #
I just provided my feed back to another thread on the same topic. Have a look;
http://www.essayforum.com/writing-feedback-3/sense-competition-co operation-more-important-children-51470/
This is the production line I suggest for this task;
[Introduction]
~ Topic and your thesis (position on the issue)
[Body Paragraph 1]
~ Main reason 1 (for position in introduction)
~ Supporting details
~ Supporting example
[Body Paragraph 2]
~ Main reason 2 (for position in introduction)
~ Supporting details
~ Supporting example
[Conclusion]
~ Final statement about position (in response to topic)
Aug 20, 2013, 05:59am   #
me4mbd:
For this reason, introduction of co-operative environment and education in early stage of life will escalate the children to socialize in adulthood

For this reason, introduction of cooperation in early days of life will benefit not only the children with valuable social skills for their adulthood, but also pave the way for a more peaceful and harmonious society.
me4mbd:
However, too much tearing up in group could be cumbersome. For instance, human have a tendency to act how they trained.
........ why do you talk about the opposite idea all of a sudden........... It's difficult for the reader to understand your flow of ideas if you dont arrange them logically :(



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