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People who move out would be more succesful & happier than people living in villages


oops 1 / 2  
Apr 29, 2011   #1
Hi everyone! I'm preparing for TOEFL. I found this forum very useful for me to interact with other students to improve writing skill. Here I'm sharing my essay. Waiting for your feedback.

People who go outside are more successful and happier than people who live in villages? Do you agree or disagree?
Depending on individual experience, personality type and emotional concern, some people may hold subjective opinion that life in villages can help people happier and more successful due to less competition and social pressure. However, I strongly disagree with such an idea. From my point of view, people go outside are more successful and happier than those who live in villages. Among countless factors which could contribute for people's success and happiness when going outside, broaden relations and more opportunities to develop are the most obvious advantages, which I would like to provide on the following grounds.

To begin with, what I put in priority is that going outside you may stand in golden chance to achieve success and concurrently happiness since you can broaden your horizons and approach many good conditions to develop. To specify, as a proverb says "traveling forms a young man", going outside you can learn a lot of things about the world such as cultures, people, their achievements or how they do something you name it. Accumulating necessary and interesting knowledge you will open your mind. And that is the key to success. Moreover, we are deeply conscious of the fact that variety of opportunities is available in the open world rather than in a restricted village. For instance, a businessman from a village wanted to open his own company. He could find more investments if he goes to a large city. And it is likely his business could efficiently work in large city as there are more demands there.

Another reason for my propensity to go outside is that you can gain more friends and relationships. It is beneficial because you have more chance to interact with people, share with them experience and interests. And once you find true friends you can share emotions, happiness and sorrows or any aspects in life. By this way you life will be happier and has less depression or sadness. In additions, having more relationships you can get more supports from outside. Friends may be willing help you if you have difficulties, assist you if you need aids and they may give good advice for your problems. Hence, within assistance of friends you can greatly promote your success.

All in all, taking into account of all honest aspects I have numerated above, we safely arrive at the conclusion that going outside helps people find more success and happiness. People are in with a chance to achieve success and happiness when they can improve horizons and approach opportunities. Also, when going outside people get more relationships, which benefit their interaction and acquisition of helps. It is superficial to think that stay in villages can prevent people from competition, stress and pressure because the frog at the bottom of a well, all it can see is the little piece of sky formed by the rims of the well.
nathanloa 2 / 8  
May 1, 2011   #2
I think you need some backups for the argument you put forward. I am keen to know as to why the man from the village who wanted to open his company could find more investments in large city? Perhaps people take this for granted, but i think it's a good idea to state some of the reasons as to why he can secure more investments in the large city. And perhaps why can't he obtains as many investments in the village as he can from the large city.
OP oops 1 / 2  
May 1, 2011   #3
Thanks for feedback. I really appreciate it. Ohh! I'm sorry that I didn't tell that this is a TOEFL essay. So, I just provided a cursory example. Perhaps I don't have time to do more in 30 minutes.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 2, 2011   #4
... life in villages can help people feel happier and...

From my point of view, people go outside are more successful and happier than those who live in villages.----Go outside? I think you need to write a different word there. What do you mean when you say "go outside?"

Oh, I think you mean "go abroad."

All in all, taking into account all honest aspects I have numerated concepts discussed above, we safely arrive...

It is superficial to think that staying in villages can prevent people from suffering due to competition, stress and pressure, because all the frog at the bottom of a well can see is the little piece of sky formed by the rims of the well.

:-) nice ending!!
bahareh 18 / 50  
May 2, 2011   #5
Hi;
there are some gramatical errors;
Among countless factors which could contribute for people's success....
Among countless factors which could contribute to people's success...

Friends may be willing help ....
Friends may be willing to help...
Bythe way, your essay is really good with a huge amount of vocabulary.
bahareh
OP oops 1 / 2  
May 3, 2011   #6
Thanks for your feedbacks guys! They're really help.


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