Honestly, I felt that this essay was very standard. In that I mean to say that it is 5 paragraphs and it is very predictable. This not only shows that you have difficulty writing, but it also shows that you are incapable of being creative, which I know is wrong. Some of your language is very well thought out. Here is what I think.
Studying the history of human beings shows that men always try to find some ways to live longer. (Not very intriguing, try to find a better attention getter. Maybe like a story about this or something).
Nowadays, this dream comes to truth. Healthier life, well educated people, and changing the style of life (very formulaic, include these, but in a more indirect way...)
are the three important causes of living longer that will be elaborated in present essay.
Medical improvements, which develop over hundreds of years, are the most significant causes of living longer. In the history, we have a lot of examples of public death just for common illnesses. In addition, immunity against diseases has such a striking effect that we can apparently see that the death rate of people because of epidemic illnesses decrease, drastically.
Secondly, expanding of knowledge through whole society is another reason of living longer, in that well educated persons always prevent themselves from risky treatments. As a concrete case in point, during spreading of swine flu in my home country, statistics demonstrate that the numbers of patient from educated people is less than uneducated because of the fact that they read about the this vital illness and its preventing methods.
Finally, changing the style of life is another reason for living longer. Modern people live in the safer place today than prehistoric one did. Furthermore, in the modern life convenient facilities such as computer, automobiles and automatic machines make our life easier. Therefore, dangerous tasks are carried out by machines instead of humans.
To conclude, augmentation in the length of life is the final aim of human beings effort. They create various types of method for healthier life. They try to learn knowledge about living longer, and they improve the style of their life in the hope that they can live longer.Overall, I stopped editing, because I want you to fix it first. What I dont what to do, is revise it for you becasue then it would be my writing and not yours and I know you are capable of doing this by yourself.
- don't start paragraphs with First, Second...
- include more facts...you wrote like 3 sentences about each one...write more
This is all I have for now...be sure to revise it and then I can read it again. I hope this helped.