Hi, This is an SAT essay. Please grade it out of 12and give me some feedbacks.
What do you think of the intro, thesis, conclusion?
What do you recommend regarding examples?
Is there any weaknesses or flaws in the essay?
Please be harsh as much as possible !
Prompt:
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
People who like to think of themselves as tough-minded and realistic tend to take it for granted that human nature is "selfish" and that life is a struggle in which only the fittest may survive. According to this view, the basic law by which people must live is the law of the jungle. The"fittest"are those people who can bring to the struggle superior force, superior cunning, and superior ruthlessness.
Adapted from S.I. Hayakawa, Language in Thought and Action
Assignment: Do people have to be highly competitive in order to succeed? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.
Essay:
In the jungle of modern world, people engage since birth in a harsh competition. Success and glory cannot, thus, be achieved overnight or by a slice of good fortunate. That's why clearly, being highly competitive, persistent and hard worker are the necessary ingredient for success.
Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple, was fully aware of the dilemma he had to face. He must invent a sophisticated electronic device with magnificent application and a smooth use. But, it wouldn't be easy. He kept in mind that the market is completely full of business magnets, tycoons and bright minds. As a result, he started his tough competition by introducing Apple products that are new, well-crafted and a state-of-art. By being competitive, Steve Jobs succeed and rapt the fruit of his wit, wisdom and long sight. He demonstrated that one should think, challenge the obsolete and compete with high level of commitment and dedication. He understood the rules of the game and competed with teeth and nails. Ultimately, he achieved not only success and glory but also immortality due to his revolutionary approach and competitively.
Similarly to Steve Jobs experience, Adam Smith's book "For The Wealth Of Nations" illustrates the basis of capitalism by putting emphasis on competitive market. He conveys the idea that society cannot five a reward for the sluggish, the dull, the overbearing and the reticent who shun competition and prefer to watch. The book suggests that the prosperity, the thrive and the progress of a nation are based on a competitive-economic system which favored creativity, and glorify the hard-working and skillful. In a word, economic exalt manifested in growth, high GDP and low unemployment rate is the result of a competitive people who demonstrates their character, resilience, perseverance and persistence in the market.
To sum up, I find that competing, struggling and fighting for the right to contest the greatest prize in life which is success, is vital in modern life human maze. No one could perform or find a ground-breaking theory or crafting a revolutionary technological device without consecrating his mind, forces and abilities in life completion.
I will focus only on one part of your essay and give you some feedback. I will look at the intro, thesis, and conclusion.
First, this is a good topic. The beginning and thesis needs some work. I think the introduction could be better. For example, the first sentence: At birth, a child enters into the world of modern day society where it is harsh and competitive. As a child progresses through life into adulthood, his or her success..." Thesis: "That's why clearly,being one must be highly competitive, persistent and hard working, because it is the necessary ingredient for success in life."
There are 3 reasons why I changed these sentences:
1) You begin your essay discussing the early stages of life.
2) The following sentences needed to continue building past the early stages of life.
3) The thesis needed to coincide with the other two sentences and lead to the body of your essay.
Conclusion: I read the body of the essay and the conclusion. I think the body of the essay could have discussed two well-known persons to continue with the similarities of being highly competitive in order to succeed. There are some people who were highly competitive throughout their life. This would have helped you to write a better conclusion. Some mistakes that could be corrected is beginning your conclusion with, "In summary" and deleting "human maze". The last sentence needs some corrections: "No one could perform or find a ground-breaking theory or crafting craft a revolutionary technological device without consecrating challenging the mind in order to succeedin life completion.
