hi all,
this is my first IELTS essay. it took me more time than given but think i can improve on timing. appreciate your valuable feedback.
ONLY people who earn a lot of money are successful. Do you agree or disagree with this definition of success? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
Some people say, those who earned or who has lot of money are the ones who are success in their lives.Some argue the success couldn't be measured by the amount of money one earned in his life.In my opinion success has broader definition than the earning power of a person.
First of all, isn't it possible to someone to be success without money?Lord Buddha who was one of the greatest religious leaders in earth, became success after he has realized the truth of life. He taught what he realized to thousands of people and let them follow his path to 'Nirwana'. But did lord Buddha have lot of money by the time he achieved his success? Does money helped him to realize the truth and thereby to achieve what we believe as the greatest success one could have in this earth?
Take another example from the life of Thomas Alva Edison; who was an American inventor developed many devices that greatly influenced the life around the world including the electric light bulb. Does anyone treat him as a failure? He is one of the most successful scientist and an inventor in the world. Does anyone going to argue on his success? Was money behind his success? Was he born to a rich family and therefore let him do all these inventions? No. There's no relationship with money and his inventions. Of course his inventions made him rich. But no one say money made him success.
Above are two great examples which support the fact that money is not a necessary factor for one to become success.
Secondly, does all who earn or who has lot of money can be considered as success?Imagine a person who is rich but not having a happy family life for some reason. He fights everyday with his wife and his children are not listening to him. Can we think him as success?
Similarly, consider a person who has lot of money but suffering from a deadly disease which has no cure. Even though he has money in his bank, he cannot use it to save his life. Will anyone say that he is success in his life?
Likewise, there are enough and more examples which exemplify the fact that amount of money are not the only definition of success. Money could be a factor when defining success; but it's not the one and only one.
I think you should support more for the 2nd idea, and maybe shorten the 1st, if you do not have enough time.
And frankly, I think the idea is good enough!
Some people say,(this can be replaced with "Some people believe that" ) those who earned or who has lot of money are the ones who are success(earn or have a massive amount of money are the only ones who are successful.)in their lives.Some(Others) argue the (that) success couldn't cannot be measured by the amount of money one earned in his lifeearns. In my opinion success has a broader definition than the earning power of a person.
First of all, isn't it possible tofor someone ( I think "a person" is more formal here) to be successful without money?Lord Buddha, who was one of the greatest religious leaders in earth(I think it is better to use "the world") , became successful after he has(had) realized the truth of life. He taught what he realized to thousands of people and let them follow his path to 'Nirwana', b ut did lord Buddha have lots of money by the time he achieved his success? Does(Did) money helped him to realize (in realizing) the truth and thereby to achieve what we believe as (I think "is" is better) the greatest success one could have (we can also use reach instead of have) ? in this earth(I think this is unnecessary)
Take another example from the life of Thomas Alva Edison; who was an American inventor who developed many devices that greatly influenced the life around the world. including(For instance,) the electric light bulb. Does anyone treat him as a failure? <<(This is not required here) He is one of the most successful scientists and an inventors in the world. DoesCan anyone going to argue on his success (you may also use accomplishment) ? Was money behind his success? Was he born to ain a rich family and therefore let him do all these inventions (I think this shouldn't be included) ? No. There's no relationship withbetween money and his inventions (acheivements is more recomended) . Of course his inventions made him rich. But no one saysaid money made him successful .
Above are two great examples which support the fact that money is not a necessary factor for one to becomeachieve success.
Secondly, does all who earn or who has lot of money can be considered as successare all wealthy people considered as achievers of success ? Imagine a person who is rich but not havingdoes not have a happy family life for some reason. He fights everyday with his wifeargues with his wife everyday, and his children are not listening toobey him. Can we think of him as a successfulperson ?
Similarly, consider a person who has a lot of money but is suffering from a deadly disease which has no cure. Even though he has money in his bank, he cannot use it to save his lifeWith all the money he has, he still cannot save his life . Will anyone say that he is success in his life?Is he estimated as a successful person?( I think if you replace this paragraph with the following, it would be more suitable : Another example is a person who is rich but suffering from a deadly disease that has no cure. Although he has a large amount of money, he still can't save his life.)
Likewise, there are enough and more examples which exemplifyapproves to the fact that amount of money areis not the only definition of success.used to measure success. However, money could be a factorwhen defining success; but it's not the one and only oneof success but not an essential one.
I think it is good for a starter, and I hope you improve your writing more. Just keep on practicing and believe me you will improve in a remarkable way. Btw, I am preparing for the IELTS as well. My exam is on the 9th of Janruary 2010.
I hope you take a look at my essays and give feedback on them , your opinion is highly appreciated.
Wish you the best :)
Ruah.
Hello, could I ask some questions ^^
- In my opinion, success has a broader definition than the earning power of a person.
should I add "," after "In my opinion" ? I think that "In my opinions success" can not be a subject?
- Above are two great examples which support the fact that money is not a necessary factor for one to become achieve success.
this sentence is neccessary? I believe people know it already
- consider a person who has a lot of money but is suffering from a deadly disease which has no cure.
Considering a man has a lot of money but is suffering from a deadly disease which has no cure .
I try to rephrase above snetence. Is this a correct sentence?
Likewise, there are enough and more examples which approves to the fact that amount of money ..
or
there are a large number of examples to approve to the fact that ..?
thanks Ruah for your update. definitely i will give my feedback on your essays.
S011208,
i agree with the first and second points made by you.
but your rephrasing seems misleading. agree with Ruah's rephrasing.
Hello there..
First of all, I would like to thank you (Gayan M) for your agreement on my rephrasing.
Secondly, I would like to answer the questions posted by s011208.
In my opinion, success has a broader definition than the earning power of a person.
should I add "," after "In my opinion" ? I think that "In my opinions success" can not be a subject?
well, I believe that the "," is necessary here, and I think you can't say In my opinions << that would mean that you have many opinions on the subject which is not a good thing to show when you're writing a Task 2 essay (Opinion essay).
Above are two great examples which support the fact that money is not a necessary factor for one to become achieve success.
this sentence is neccessary? I believe people know it already
I agree with you're suggestion, I think it is not necesaary to write the sentence above because the writer gives examples to prove his/her point, they don't need to make that clear by writing it.
consider a person who has a lot of money but is suffering from a deadly disease which has no cure.
Considering a man has a lot of money but is suffering from a deadly disease which has no cure.
I try to rephrase above snetence. Is this a correct sentence?
I believe the first sentence is more appropriate, because "considering a man has a lot of money" seems a bit wrong.
Likewise, there are enough and more examples which approves to the fact that amount of money ..
or
there are a large number of examples to approve to the fact that ..?
I think the sentence you suggested is better but, to correct it I would say:
there is a large number of examples which approve to the fact that...
thx ur correct ^^
It's my pleasure :)
