TOEFL: People benefit more from coming computers into their lives; pros outweigh cons

Hi everyone , please help me to find my essay's error
Thank you :)

73) Some people say that computers have made life easier and more convenient. Other people say that computers have made life more complex and stressful. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Computers have revolutionized our lifestyle during last century. However, some people especially young ones use computers extremely and this excessive usage lead to increase stress among them, but computers have brought many advantages to our lives. From my point of view, computers have an important and inevitable role in economic, business, and other part of societies. In addition, they make the way of living easier by doing our routine duties.

Admittedly, by using computers in many industries human's role has been reduced. Nowadays, computer can control and perform some routine activities in industries, which were early done by human. Many industries use computers to command to robots in order to do many regular tasks, which were carried out by human early. For example, many processes of production of cars are carrying out by robots, which are controlled by computers. In addition, car companies use computers to simulate and analyze car accident by computers. Despite many advantages, by coming computers many jobs has been vanished. A large number of industries fire many forces because of doing their works by new technologies and computers.

Computers have an important role in social and personal life. Computers have opened up a network connection among people. This technology makes easier for people to send and receive personal message. Teenagers and adolescents spend free time in front of computers. Moreover, People can use computers to extract their essential information easily. By contrast, excessive use of computers has brought many difficulties. The results show that teenagers who are addicted to computer games show more violent and stressful behaviors. People who have type by computers may suffer from such disease related to knees.

By considering all reasons, advantages of computers outweigh disadvantages. People benefit more from coming computers into their lives. In addition, computers can do most difficult tasks which leads to make life easier.

... and other fields.


Actually computers do not do our routine duties, they just help us to do these duties faster and easier. (Note, here you are not speaking about industries)


earlier


are being carried out


Here you can add that after simulating and analyzing accidents, they develop mechanisms to avoid these accidents or make passengers safer.


when computers invaded to the industry, the workplaces were significantly reduced.


A large number of industries fire many employees because now their job can be done using new technologies and computers.


In your essay you provided more negative information about the usage of computer, but now you are saying that the advantages outweigh disadvantages.

Your essay's structure is poor. For example, you didn't separate body paragraphs.
Moreover, in introduction you say that in your opinion computers have done more good than harm, however during whole essay you were describing computers' negative effects. You have to support you position not contradict it.

Of course it is better to include some negative information too. However you should concentrate on your position and proving it. If you discuss negative points much than your opinion then you can easily start to contradict your position :)

You have fixed some issues in your second prompt, however you still do not discuss your position sufficiently. Try to write more examples and reasons why computers have brought benefits to our life.