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IELTS: applying community service in schools serving a good purpose


fatihy007 3 / 7  
Dec 8, 2013   #1
Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmers (for example working for charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children).

To what extent do you agree with this opinion?

School account for large proportion of spreading high society values among the children. Values like honesty and loyalty to the society and country could be learned through the different school activities. Anyway, I believe that unpaid community service is one of the most effective tools could be used in schools to teach the students that high values.

Loyalty to our country, is not something in our genes we born with. But it is something accumulative. Students can gain it through contact with their society. Also, if this contact has brought appreciation to them, it shall last a tremendous impact on their thinking toward their country. Therefore, schools shall understand that, and take its responsibility to involve students into their community.

However, school should not force students to enroll in community service. Instead of that, this process can take the shape of competitions or games. I believe if this idea was adopted, a vast increase in student's enrollment shall be achieved.

Furthermore, subsidies could be offered to schools to perform more and more unpaid community service. So, schools would regard community service as a financial issue.

In conclusion, applying community service in schools serving a good purpose.in addition to that its benefits last students all their life.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Dec 8, 2013   #2
Your introduction needs more focus towards the essential features that can help you earn marks for this task.
OP fatihy007 3 / 7  
Dec 9, 2013   #3
Thank you for your valuable comment, which IELTS band do you think it may score ?
FrankZheng 3 / 14 7  
Dec 9, 2013   #4
The word's count is 206, far less than 250. So you should develop more clearly, maybe add some support sentences in third paragraph.
By the way ,I try my best to correct for you .

This essay would be over 5.5 ,maybe 5 , that's my personal view.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Dec 9, 2013   #5
This essay would be over 5.5 ,maybe 5 , that's my personal view.

Well.... I may not be the right person to comment on the band you would get. However, I guess the following link would be helpful for you to make a self assessment;

ielts.org/PDF/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf
Overall, I think you need to improve the essay structure to help you earn a good score.
OP fatihy007 3 / 7  
Dec 9, 2013   #6
yes, i think i should work on the obove comments .
thanks FrankZheng,pahan and dumi
wait for my next essay
FrankZheng 3 / 14 7  
Dec 9, 2013   #7
You could rewrite again and again ,and assess according the standards by yourself.
Maybe ,in this way ,you can better improve the skill, not spending on constructing ideas.


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