I have not practiced a toefl writing for at least one year and i am not sure whether this new essay is logically accurate. Can you help me correct errors in the essay because i am going to take a writing exam next month for master degree.
Thank you.
The question is
Some people believe that a college or university education should be available to all students. Others believe that higher education should be available only to good students. Discuss these views. Which view do you agree with? Explain why.
Answer is
In my opinion, all students should receive higher education. It does not only bring knowledge and job to earn but also teach all students to understand democracy. The higher education provides many benefits for all students.
First, the students have an opportunity to broaden their horizons of the world.
Today, it is undeniable that a lot of students are deceived into doing wrong things such as robbery and burglary. Therefore, when they go to study and learn many subjects like marketing and business, they feel more proud of themselves that I am educated and able to do right things and are able to realize them as part of a society who can improve a country.
Second, they have enough knowledge which leads to a career for a living.
In the modern society, if you do not have enough knowledge, you will not be qualified for your preferred jobs. The job which you do can bring a lot of money so that you can pay for other expenses like shopping and child-rearing.
Third, Students who are well-educated do have intelligence to take part in politics.
Nowadays, a society which people are illicit does not prosper; in the other hands, one that people are clever creates a lot of successes. For example, the youth movement in many middle regions can topple the bad regime because its participants do have knowledge and are unsatisfied with the current government administration; therefore, they take onto the street to call for more participation in politics.
In conclusion, higher education is by far important for students in many ways. They may want to learn new things instead of old traditions, with a lot of knowledge, they can apply it to their career and with deep realization in their rights and role from their jobs, they decide to go on strike for more involvement in the government administration.
I like the "first, second, third" structure you used for the essay. That keeps the reader focused on the main idea you are expressing.
This sentence is too simple:
In conclusion, higher education is by far important for students in many ways.
You have to give it some meaning. Every sentence needs a little meaning...
In conclusion, higher education is by far important for students because of their need for ___________.
:-)
It is not too inaccurate! Nobody write's perfectly. Native speakers do not write perfectly.
