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Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational


dil77 4 / 9 2  
May 15, 2014   #1
Education plays a big part in developing a child to be a constructive citizen. In addition to this, physical and recreational activities such as sports and music too, contribute. It is thus, argued that engaging in non-educational endeavors is not a waste of time for a child as some suggest. This position will be proven by looking at how extracurricular activities can instill a child to be strengthening both physically and mentally.

Firstly, being strong in physically is precursor to a young person even for educational activities. For instance, a recent study carried out by a think tank of the United States revealed a positive correlation between children's physically active time and their number of medical treatments per year. As this example shows, it is obvious that if a child engages most of the time in academia he bars from physical activities. Thus, it is not a waste of time being physically active in his favorite sports.

In addition to this, non-educational doings enhance child mentally and, it is a blessing for a country's future. Returning to previous research it was exposed that there is a link between some childhood mental disorders like Aspergers and lack of engagements in leisure activities such as music. As this example shows, it is best to create an environment and provide room for a child to free from education in his leisure time.

After analyzing facts relate to child's physical and metal well being, it has been proven that extra curriculum activities are not to be hinder by academia. Thus, it is hoped parents the world over would make due consideration in balancing their children's day-to-day activities.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
May 15, 2014   #2
Well, I found this thread in the Graduate section which is not the appropriate forum for this essay. This should have been opened in the Writing Feedback forum which is the right forum for this type of essays. Opening your threads in the correct forum is a rule you need to obey here and hope you pay more attention to this fact in your future threads :)

Also, it is better you mention the purpose of your writing (e.g. IELTS, TOEFL etc.) in the title itself so that others can provide you more meaningful task relevant feedbacks.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
May 15, 2014   #3
In addition what dumi said above, it is always better to include your full prompt or the question together with your writing. It provides us a good understanding about what the question really requires from you and accordingly they can align their comments.

Firstly, being strong in physically strong is a precursor to a young person even forto perform better in educational activities as well.
In addition to this, non-educational doingsactivities enhance child'smentallymental capacity and, it is a blessing for a country's future.
OP dil77 4 / 9 2  
May 15, 2014   #4
Also, it is better you mention the purpose of your writing

sorry, this for IELTS
OP dil77 4 / 9 2  
May 16, 2014   #5
I feel some awkwardness in this sentence too. please help.
thanks
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
May 16, 2014   #6
Returning to previous research it was exposed that there is a link between some childhood mental disorders like Aspergers and lack of engagements in leisure activities such as music.
I feel some awkwardness in this sentence too. please help.thanks

Returning to previous research In the findings of the same research I cited in the previous paragraph, it was exposedrevealed that there is a strong link between some childhood mental disorders, for example Aspergers, and lack of engagements inless engagement with leisure activities such as music, art etc.


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