The first sentence of the essay is a statement-of-the-obvious. I think you should give an unexpected, interesting statement to catch the reader's attention. Can you add a "hook" sentence to make the reader feel interested?
Also, I think you should add one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph. It seems incomplete. I think you should add a thesis statement that expresses the main argument of the whole essay. If I asked you to tell me your reason for your opinion, could you explain it in a single sentence? That is the kind of sentence you should put at the end of the first paragraph.
Do you know what I mean? The last sentence of the first paragraph should be a sentence that expresses the main argument you are making, your strong argument.
For example, when I was a young student, I used to ask my father to help me solve the mathematics exercises, even though he is a merchant. As you see, our parents may be not specialized in all specific fields, but they have a kind of instinct to sacrifice for the betterment of their children.
This is excellent, but I have a different experience. When I see parents try to teach their kids, the kids do not want to listen! :-) I heard that in China sometimes martial artists would traditionally send their children to learn martial arts from a friend of the family instead of learning from parents. Sometimes a new person provides a formal atmosphere of respect.
I like your essay. And I like these thoughtful ideas from Ana, who always gives great feedback. Do you have any questions?
:-) Thanks for posting this great essay!