Unanswered [10] / Featured [1] / Urgent [0]
 

Home / Writing Feedback /     

IELTS essay: Newspapers will soon become a thing of the past


answers: 10
Jun 26, 2009, 04:53am   #
Hello every one. I am Trang from Vietnam and a new member.It is nice for me to be here because I am preparing for my IELTS test next month and I really need your help to improve my writing at the moment. Here comes one of my essay. Please work on it for me. Thank you so much!

With the rise in popularity of the internet, newspapers will soon become a thing of the past. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The internet has been more and more popular for recent years, providing people with a huge source of information. As a result of this, print media such as newspapers have experienced a dramatic decline in the number of readers. Some people, however, still believe that they can exist for long time; others disagree, arguing that newspapers have lost their competitive advantage to sustain their prolonged existence. Personally, I am inclined to agree with the latter view for following reasons.

First of all, to obtain information, using the internet is quicker and more convenient than reading newspapers. Contrary to the past when people had to wait long hours to take a daily newspaper, nowadays, they can acquire latest news updated every second through their mobile phones or computers connected to the internet, everywhere and at anytime. As can be seen, these devices and machines are very common in all parts of the world, making it easier for people to read a number of things that newspapers can not provide in only some pages. Hence, the print media has failed to keep its important role in the provision of information.

Another point is that, from the economic aspect, buying newspapers appears to be a waste of money when the internet becomes available for every one. It is clear to recognize that the internet service is being provided at a low cost or even free in many countries. The question arises as to whether or not a person spends an extra money buying newspapers to receive the same, even usually less information than those he can have with the internet? The answer, perhaps, is that hardly would rational people do so. For this reason, the number of people reading newspapers may continue falling sharply, possibly leading to the close-downs of many in the coming time.

Last, but not least, when taking environment into consideration, people must conceive that the more newspapers are published, the more trees are cut down. This is simply the contributor to the deforestation which is happening all over the world today. At this point, newspapers' production will have to face environmentalists on its way to be alive.

In conclusion, it might be unpleasant for some advocating newspapers to witness the extinction of the type of media. However, this, if occurring, should be seen as a result of the ever- increasing innovations in media technology and in our modern life as a whole.

The internet has [[b]b]been more and more popular for[/b] recent years, providing people with a huge source of information. [/b]
^become increasingly popular in and has provided people with huge sources of information.

As a result of this, print media such as newspapers have experienced a dramatic decline in the number of readers.
-Subsequently,
-print media such as newspapers and?? or just say newspapers. By saying print media such as, and then offering only one example, is quite ineffective.
-in IT'S number of readers.

Some people, however, still believe that they can exist for long time; others
^They? as in the people? We all want to believe we can exist for a long time.....
Unless, you meant newspapers.


disagree, arguing that newspapers have lost their competitive advantage to sustain their prolonged existence.
^lost IT'S competitive advantage.

Personally, I am inclined to agree with the latter view for following reasons.
^FOR THE FOLLOWING


First of all, to obtain information, using the internet is quicker and more convenient than reading newspapers.
^You can start of with 'firstly'.
using the internet is comparitively much quicker and more convenient to reading newspapers.


Contrary to the past when people had to wait long hours to take a daily newspaper, nowadays, they can acquire latest news updated every second through their mobile phones or computers connected to the internet, everywhere and at anytime.
^Unlike the past when people,
nowadays they can acquire the latest news which is updated every second on mobile phones or Internet connected computers, everywhere as well as at anytime.


As can be seen, these devices and machines are very common in all parts of the world, making it easier for people to read a number of things that newspapers can not provide in only some pages.
^Not quite sure where you are heading with this point.

Hence, the print media has failed to keep its important role in the provision of information.


Another point is that, from the economic aspect, buying newspapers appears to be a waste of money when the internet becomes available for every one.
^A rather poor sentence, its rather unclear and poorly structured.
^Also, would buying newspapers be cheaper than running a computer and paying Internet bills?


It is clear to recognize that the internet service is being provided at a low cost or even free in many countries.
^Free internet..where? I swear I never knew countries did this!
Also, you can also start the sentence by saying 'clearly'.
Clearly internet services ARE being provided at low costs and are even free in many countries.


The question arises as to whether or not a person spends an extra money buying newspapers to receive the same, even usually less information than those he can have with the internet?
^Bad sentence.

The answer, perhaps, is that hardly would rational people do so.
^This is quite insulting to people who do prefer reading newspapers in comparison to reading the Internet on the news. People may not prefer using computers perhaps because they can not use it, it takes too long to download, or because its strainful for their eyes...


For this reason, the number of people reading newspapers may continue falling sharply, possibly leading to the close-downs of many in the coming time.
^Not necessarily.

Last, but not least, when taking environment into consideration, people must conceive that the more newspapers are published, the more trees are cut down. This is simply the contributor to the deforestation which is happening all over the world today. At this point, newspapers' production will have to face environmentalists on its way to be alive.
^as more newspapers are published, more trees are cut down.
This contributes to the deforestation which is happening on a global scale today.



In conclusion, it might be unpleasant for some advocating newspapers to witness the extinction of the type of media.
^What are you talking about??

However, this, if occurring, should be seen as a result of the ever- increasing innovations in media technology and in our modern life as a whole.
^Not that great of a conclusion.

I do not know if you are supposed to evaluate in this essay, but if you are, you dont seem to have evaluated at all.
You just present a one sided view, with no consideration of how the newspaper industry can actually prosper.

An essay that can be worked on. Definitely.
Jun 26, 2009, 07:30am   #
Liebe:
I do not know if you are supposed to evaluate in this essay, but if you are, you dont seem to have evaluated at all.
You just present a one sided view, with no consideration of how the newspaper industry can actually prosper.


Liebe, just FYI, the IELTS essay is a timed essay that tests for English proficiency for learners of English as a second language. Because of the time constraints, writers usually only have the chance to proofread for grammar but not to make major changes. Also, again because of the time constraints, the essay has to be relatively formulaic: introduction, three body paragraphs, conclusion. Content counts, and does have to be coherent, but grammar and punctuation are more important than nuanced arguments.

Trang, good job. Here are some grammatical fixes:

The internet has become more and more popular in recent years, providing people with a huge amount of information.

Some people, however, still believe that newspapers can exist for a long time; others disagree, arguing that newspapers have lost their competitive advantage to sustain their prolonged existence.

Personally,
I am inclined to agree with the latter view for the following reasons.

Although, it would be better to say, "I am inclined to agree with the latter view," and then summarize the three reasons you will be presenting in the body of the essay.
Jun 26, 2009, 10:03am   #
Thank you so much for your help!
Actually, I find it really hard to write ideas for ielts essays. Sometimes I have no idea about what I have to write. Don't you? I really wanted to evaluate 2 sides of the essay. But, I thought it would make my essay too long. So, I might run out of time when writing in the real test. Where can I put the opposite side properly? Can u give me some piece of advice?
I am going to post new essays on this forum, so I hope you will continue to help me like you did today.
Jun 26, 2009, 12:14pm   #
trangquynh:
I really wanted to evaluate 2 sides of the essay. But, I thought it would make my essay too long. So, I might run out of time when writing in the real test. Where can I put the opposite side properly?

Use two of your three body paragraphs for arguments in favor of your position and then use the third body paragraph to offer and counter an opposing argument.
Jun 26, 2009, 01:36pm   #
For this sort of essay, a completely one-sided argument is generally okay, and easier to write. In general, though, any essay that hopes to persuade must deal with the opposing point of view, so if you want to practice writing more evaluative essays with a view to becoming a stronger writer overall, that's great. Just be aware that your first attempts at doing this will likely involve a temporary drop in essay quality, as you are essentially increasing the difficulty of the task you are setting yourself.
Jul 2, 2009, 09:49am   #
Hi trangquynh i'm also an IELTS student. In my opinion you essay is good. You're going to sit for IELTS this month right? Don't worry I'm sure you will get band score of at least 7 in writing. Anyway, there's only one thing, your word limit. IELTS task 2 essays word limit is at least 250 words but it doesn't mean that you can write as long as you want. I think you need to set a word limit which is may be between 250-300 which most of IELTS advisers recommend.
If you want to mention both sides on this issue,
you could mention that information from the internet is often unreliable.
Unlike Newspapers which deal with stories written by professional jounalists, news on internet often manipulate readers by stating stories not based on the fact. ex) wikipedia.
Jul 9, 2009, 11:44pm   #
john6503:
Unlike Newspapers which deal with stories written by professional jounalists, news on internet often manipulate readers by stating stories not based on the fact. ex) wikipedia.


LOL! And this after Walter Duranty, Muhammad al-Durrah, Jayson Blair, and so many others.



Home / Writing Feedback /

Thread closed ✓