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Toefl Essay The new movie theatre may be built in your neighborhood.


answers: 2
Please revise my essay. I really need feedback
Anyways, this essay might not as good as i hope. I just want to finds ways to improve the writng skill.
Thank you

The question is that

It has recently been announced that a new movie theatre may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan. Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

I am in favor of the plan to build a new movie theatre in my neighbor. The main reason is convenience, entertainment and employment. Local people will have an opportunity to get the same benefits as do city residents.

The first reason is people do not have to take a bus or personal cars to the movie theatre. Local people do not have to go on time if their home is located near it. They do not have to pay a bus fee to reach the movie theatre. Moreover, they can walk to the movie theatre quickly. To illustrate, my friends who live outside the city does not have time to go to the theatre because it is located in a far place. When the new theatre is created, he can reach it quickly

Second, people can find ways to make them funny and excited after normal work, Local people who work in a paddy field or factory can have a rest at the movie theatre. For example, my friends who work as a farmer in the rice field always have a free time to relax every evening. If the movie theatre is built, he can watch the movie to make him happy so that he will be animated for tomorrow's work.

The last thing that local people have is working for the new theatre. When the new theatre is built, the need for people to be employed is important. The local people who do not want to work in a farm land can look for a position as a ticket seller, a janitor and a cashier. For instance, my aunt loses her job, but she can relieve unhappiness by working in the theatre as a ticket seller which earn her money for a living

At last, there are many advantages if the new movie theatre is built in the community. Easy and quick ways to reach the movie theatre, approach to relaxation and a chance for recruitment are the thing that local people will have as do ones living in a city center.
Keng:
When the new theatre is created, he can reach it quickly

If the new theater is created, he will reach it quickly.

Keng:
The last thing

The last reason, or cause..

Keng:
Second, people can find ways to make them funny and excited after normal work,

Another reason is to..... I didn't get the idea.. end it with a period instead of a comma


ok.. your organization is okay.. but you shouldn't write "when" you should use if instead because it MAY be built.. and you have to focus on the verb tense.. to make it unified and appropriate..



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