Topic:
schools should only offer subjects that are beneficial to students' future career success.other subjects,such as music and sports are not important.To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Some people believe that education system should base on the courses positively contribute to students' future career,rather than providing courses like music or physical education.Although professional training is crucial to the development of students, I personally think schools should continue teaching students music and sports.
For a variety of reasons, professionalization of education is beneficial to all members of the society.It's common to see that students lack of adequate knowledge and qualified skills are less likely to find a decent job in this growing competitive society.Unable to satisfy the demanding requirements in job market, they have to perform repeat manual work with low salary .Also, because schools or universities fail to provide suited and qualified workers for certain occupations, company owners need to put a large sum of budget aside for cultivating and training new staff ,which will cause the additional expenditure and low efficiency of the whole society.
Nevertheless, music and sports are of notable value to children' growth. First, intensive academic study put high pressure on students,making them face various psychology problems like anxiety and depression.Stuffed timetables crowd out their leisure activities which help balance their study and life, and keep them unhealthy. For the sake of students' psychology and physical soundness,schools should keep these courses.Second, some children may unwilling to learn academic theory on campus and have poor grades, while they may be stimulated by appreciating music,or participating in physical items.These educational activities create possibilities for them to exceed other students and improve their level of self-esteem.
In conclusion,while education need to be more practical to students' career path, I believe schools should still keep music and physical education.
There were some slight details that I wanted to assist you with changing. I organized the changes according to each paragraph and sentence. Here are my suggestions to change your paper:
1st paragraph: "Some people believe that the education system should be based on courses that positively contribute to students' future career, rather than providing courses like music or physical education." Place an apostrophe at the end of students in the last paragraph.
2nd paragraph:"...students who lack adequate..." Place "the" before job. Place "a" before low and "may" after owners. Place "their" before budget.
3rd paragraph: I think the first sentence doesn't match the details that follow. I think you should state that music and sports has advantages and disadvantages. The details in the paragraph support this. Put should be plural. Place a comma after activities. I am going to suggest to, replace the word soundness with "well-being". Place "be" before unwilling. I think you should change the word items to activities.
4th paragraph: I think you can add one or two sentences to your last and first paragraph to make your paper better.
