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IELTS-Money spent on different forms of entertainment (WT1)


answers: 7
Hello, please give a feedback on my essay.
I've always got band 5 or 5.5 in Writing Task 1. =(

Q : The graph below shows how money was spent on different forms if entertainment over a five-year period. Write at least 150 words.

A : The compound bar chart indicates changes on the amount of money expended on various types of entertainment from 1995 to 2000 in three regions.

The entertainment markets in all three regions were on an upward trend from 1995 to 2000. United States dominated the amount of money spent in the entertainment market in 1995 and 2000 in comparison to Europe and Asia. The entertainment industry acquired $184 billion from US in 1995 and $257 billion in 2000. Publishing is the most favourable form of entertainment in US and Europe, followed closely by television. In 1995, consumers spent a total of more than $150 billion on publishing and the expenditure rose by slightly greater than $100 billion in 2000. The changes of expenditure on television are most significant in United States as the amount doubles from $50 billion to $100 billion over five years. Cinema, video and music have little or no significant changes in the amount expended into them.

Overall, the entertainment markets in Asia, Europe and United States are on a rising trend from 1995 to 2000.

(169 words)

**The teacher asked us to establish a baseline, increase from how many billions to how many $, decrease by how many $. But I couldn't accurately state that from this graph. Cos of the scale.
I can only the baseline for a few points like the television in US. For the other two continents, I can only say it's "slightly below $50 bil". but if I only state these, when should I use the figures given above each bar? i thought we have to use every info given if possible.
And she said to write about significant details only. I ALWAYS have a prob trying to figure that out. What are the significant points in this one? That US dominates or that publishing form of entertainment is popular? I wrote both.
One last thing, the teacher wanted us to group the points into increasing and decreasing trends. Similar trends. Like write about the increase first then the decrease. But I can only see one decrease, that's the money spent on music in Europe. Everything else is increasing.

Help me pls.
Thanks in advance.

  • The bar graph for this question
    The bar graph for this question
Well, I think your writing lacks some logic linking, so this piece seems to be unorganized and influent. Also, you haven't compared clearly. You need to not only state the trend in your topic sentence but also support it logically and methodically.
I used to get 6.5 or 7 in task 1, and I hope my advice will be helpful!
The compound bar chart indicates changes in the amount of money expended on various types of entertainment from 1995 to 2000 in three regions.

The entertainment markets in all three regions were on an upward trend from 1995 to 2000.United States dominated according to the amount of money spent on the entertainment throughout the period in comparison to Europe and Asia. The entertainment industry acquired $184 billion from US in 1995 and $257 billion in 2000. Publishing was the most preferable form of entertainment in US and Europe,closely followed by television sector. In 1995, consumers spent a total of more than $150 billion on publishing and the expenditure rose to about $250 bl by 2000. The changes in the figures of expenditure on television were most significant in United States as the amount doubled from $50 billion to $100 billion over five years. Cinema, video and music had little or no significant change in the amount of money squandered into them.

Overall, the entertainment markets in Asia, Europe and United States were on a rising trend from 1995 to 2000.

Devote similar attention to each category on the graph. Try to generalize description of time/period. Work on using prepositions.
Jan 17, 2011, 12:22pm   #
Hi guys
Thank you for giving me the opportunity of checking my writing task, and I hope I would pay back all of your effort.

This is my first try in IELTS task one writing. I have had before the experience for writing essay and integrated task , which I found it very challenging, in TOEFL exam.
pleas give me a feed back about this writing and if is possible a band score for this
the task has 192 words and took 36 minutes for my first try, however I reconize taht i spent lots of time and world for it.

I also thanks Sayaza Hanisah for borrowing the picture of graph.



Task one IELTS
The graph below shows how money was spent in different entertainment over a five years period in different part of the world.

In this report I am going to describe the money spent on entertainment market in 3 main part of the world, the Asia, Europe and United States between years 1995- 2000 in different field of entertainment.

As the charts shows the US leads the first place for spending the money for entertainment follow by Europe and the Asia at the third place. The money spent by American for fun was almost double of European and close to three times of the Asians. Furthermore, the trend for amount of money spent during the five years was more significant in United States in comparison with other parts. The difference of money spent in United States between 1995 and 2000 is about 73 billion, however this money is 34 billion for Europe and 43 billion for Asians.

In almost all 3 regions with some small exceptions people spent more money on books and papers and less on cinema. However, TV as a convenient and cheap visual entertainment is in second place for spending money for fun. It can also be shown that the United State and Asia almost doubled their use of TV during the 5 years period.
@ARIA

-As the charts shows the US leads the first place for spending the money for entertainment follow <followed> by Europe and
the <then> Asia at <in>the third place.

-what i have learnt, when the numbers in the data given are less, you need to cover most of them...you haven't covered cinema, video and publishing at all.....try to cover all the mentioned things.
'In this report I am going to describe ...' this sentence is not necessary cos in task 1, you only need to analyze, so stay objective. Don't let your readers think that you write subjectively.

For the rest part, well, as you did not show us the chart, it is hard to define whether you did organize logically. Your writing is good, but maybe you can polish it with varieties of words and expressions. Also, it is not so fully developed. Try to add a picture and I would probably assess again with score band. (I usually got 6.5 or 7 in task 1. Hope I could help! :D)
I did this task before and my teacher advice me not to explain every thing and explain the main one.Try to use conjunction but not often cause sometime the reader will feel bored.Importantly,
your introduction and conclusion should neither too short nor too long.Remember you have limit time and another task which is essay... you need to more time to think....



Good luck :)
candy



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