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How money was spent in different entertainment- IELTS task


answers: 3
Jan 17, 2011, 12:57pm   #
Hi guys
Thank you for giving me the opportunity of checking my writing task, and I hope I would pay back all of your effort.
Unfortunately, I made a mistake and wrongly sent my request on other posting, hoping that moderators forgive me.

This is my first try in IELTS task one writing. I have had before the experience for writing essay and integrated task , which I found it very challenging, in TOEFL exam.
pleas give me a feed back about this writing and if is possible a band score for this
the task has 192 words and took 36 minutes for my first try, however I reconize taht i spent lots of time and world for it.

I also thanks Sayaza Hanisah for borrowing the picture of the graph.

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Question:
The graph below shows how money was spent in different entertainment over a five years period in different part of the world.

A:
In this report I am going to describe the money spent on entertainment market in 3 main part of the world, the Asia, Europe and United States between years 1995- 2000 in different field of entertainment.

As the charts shows the US leads the first place for spending the money for entertainment follow by Europe and the Asia at the third place. The money spent by American for fun was almost double of European and close to three times of the Asians. Furthermore, the trend for amount of money spent during the five years was more significant in United States in comparison with other parts. The difference of money spent in United States between 1995 and 2000 is about 73 billion, however this money is 34 billion for Europe and 43 billion for Asians.

In almost all 3 regions with some small exceptions people spent more money on books and papers and less on cinema. However, TV as a convenient and cheap visual entertainment is in second place for spending money for fun. It can also be shown that the United State and Asia almost doubled their use of TV during the 5 years period.



  • The Graph
    The Graph
@ARIA

-As the charts shows the US leads the first place for spending the money for entertainment follow <followed> by Europe and
the <then> Asia at <in>the third place.

-what i have learnt, when the numbers in the data given are less, you need to cover most of them...you haven't covered cinema, video and publishing at all.....try to cover all the mentioned things
Jan 17, 2011, 07:52pm   #
Thank you for your quick reply.

As I understand from your suggestion, I have to write more in detail with mentioning the numbers, but for parameters with less frequency I am not able to give an exact number. I just tried to show an approximately information such as, almost double or .... .

Now I corrected and implemented some of your suggestion, hope to be better.


Please do not forget an estimated score.

Question:
The graph below shows how money was spent in different entertainment over a five years period in different part of the world.

A:
Task one IELTS

The graph below shows how money was spent in different entertainment over a five years period in different part of the world.

In this report I am going to describe the money spent on entertainment market in 3 main part of the world, the Asia, Europe and United States between years 1995- 2000 in different field of entertainment.

As the charts shows the US leads the first place for spending the money on entertainment followed by Europe and Asia at the third place. The money spent by American for fun was almost double of European and close to three times of the Asians expenditure. Furthermore, the trend for amount of money spent during the five years was higher in United States in comparison with other mentioned regions. The difference of money allocated in United States between 1995 and 2000 is about 73 billion, however this money is 34 billion for Europeans and 43 billion for Asians.

In almost all 3 regions with some small exceptions, people spent more money on publishing and less on cinema. Furthermore, the use of TV, as a convenient and cheap visual entertainment is in second place on all three places and the trend of its usage almost doubled in US and Asia during this period of time. Meanwhile, in US and Asia spending on music increased but in Europe it had a slight inverse trend. The trend of spending on video increased in all places with the same pace.



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