Hello,
Can you read over this? I'm not even sure it this essay makes sense.
Thanks! :)
**the spacing didn't come out right
Throughout history, society has based their hierarchy on the feudal system. Feudalism is a system of governing the people; the method was usually of landholding. An example of the feudal pyramid can be seen throughout the middle ages. The wealthiest person, who was usually the king, would be placed at the top of the pyramid. Likewise the vassal, who was the poorest among them all, would be positioned at the bottom of the pyramid. A peasant was not part of the feudal system; only those from nobility could be part of it. In order to be part of the feudal system, one would need land and money. Basically, money has been the fundamental principle of society and prestige. For this purpose, we must go forward and help with the growth of our society. To do this, we must educate ourselves. Education would help society to move away from the unfair practices of the past and move on into the more sensible future. That is why education is a must these days. It is not only enough to learn the basics of education, but we would need to higher our education. The need for higher education is necessary to help improve society.
As said previously, money and riches was the only way to beat the top in the social structure. This social class was usually inherited so it was almost impossible to advance in the feudal pyramid: especially for the peasants. Most peasants were serfs, which meant that they were born into slavery and therefore could not leave the land. The serfs usually spent their whole lifetime working on their lord's land. A lord, usually king, granted land to his vassals for protection in exchange for certain obligations. This system continued for many centuries and many variations were created form it. But during that time span, many struggles occurred between the king and nobles. Each party was power hungry and would not be satisfied until they were the richer than the other. Horace Mann discusses the situation between the poor and the wealth and how education could beneifit both the parties:
Now, surely, nothing but Universal Education can counter-work this tendency to the domination of capital and the servility of labor. If one class possesses all the wealth and the education, while the residue of society is ignorant and poor, it matters not by what name the relation between them may be called. (2)
With education, there would be no more reason for so much fighting and warfare. Education, as Horace Mann says, "gives each man the independence and the means, by which he can resist the selfishness of other men" (2). This is true and can be seen in the actions of the peasants and nobility. With a higher education, we would be able to have a diplomatic point of stand and would be able to come to a compromise. Education equalizes the status of men and "is the balance- wheel of the social machinery. (Mann 2)" Man would be equal in status and thought which is more important than any material things.
Moving on to the year 2009, during his presidency, President Obama also addressed the issue of education. In fact, the increased dropout rates will lead America to an "economic decline. (Field 2)" In response to this dilemma, President Obama asked those who have stopped attending school to continue at least one year of higher education. He uses Serena Baker as an exemplary role model to those who have dropped out of school:
Baker, 28 and a mother of four, traded in her job as a part-time casher for a job as a medical assistant. All this took was for her to attend a 13-month program at her local community college. (Field 1)"
If the majority of Americans are willing to participate, the employment rate will rise. Hopefully, the higher education will trigger the employment rate and the salary of the educated worker, which will then in turn help the economy. Of course, the schedule of an American citizen can be quite hectic. So that is why online courses are also available. However, this goal will not be possible if the citizens of American are not willing to abide by it. Serene Baker says, "the president's goal for the country is realistic, at least for those who aspire to it. (Field 5)" It will take a huge amount of seriousness and dedication to enroll in school.
The point of history is so that we can learn form it and not relive the past; and this is exactly what we are doing. We are bettering ourselves with the proper education in hopes of improving our society. No longer do we live in the past with the medieval methods, but we, as a continent have matured our ways of thinking because of the proper education that we received. A higher education has benefited our society and if we keep continuing our education, we can improve the flaws in society. That is why a higher education is necessary to participate in society. Our society may not be perfect at the moment, but that just gives us all the more reason to get educated.
Throughout history, society has based their hierarchy on the feudal system.
"Throughout history" here is wrong. Feudalism has existed (and continues to exist) in particular places at particular times. In many places, the evolution has been from feudalism through mercantilism to capitalism. Always be careful not to inadvertently suggest that something has been true at all times and places.
Regardless of that quibble, I'm seeing why you wondered whether the essay makes sense. The problem is organization. Without proper organization and transitions, the essay jumps from idea to idea with no clear path.
You have no thesis, beyond the vague notion that more people having a higher education is good for society. You simply pile up statements about various things that are (mostly) tied to education in some way. Your approach seems especially odd because the obvious interpretation of the question would be "What is the purpose of higher education for those who enroll in it?" rather than "what is the purpose of higher education for society?" You can't really make the second question make sense without rephrasing, as you seem to have done, interpreting it as "why should we encourage more people to aspire to attain a higher education," which seems a bit different from the question that was intended. Some questions to think about as you start over:
1. What do you understand by the term "higher education?" University? Community college? Any educational program undertaken after completing high school?
2. If the latter, do you think those who enroll at a university have the same purposes and expectations concerning their degree as those who enroll in community college?
3. One of the obvious differences in various forms of higher education is that some seem aimed at training people for a vocation or a career, whereas others seem aimed at providing people with a certain set of intellectual skills that are meant to make them better people in general. This might benefit them in terms of job-hunting, of course, but this doesn't seem to be the main purpose of it. Which type of education do you think is better? Or do you think it depends on the person? If so, what characteristics do you think suit a person to one sort of education over the other?
Hopefully these questions will get you thinking along the right lines as you take a second shot at this topic . . .
thanks!
I rewrote my introduction:
Is the thesis appropriate and do you have nay suggestions to make the paragraph longer?
Is a higher Education needed in today's society? Some may say it is not and is a trivial matter. On the contrary, a higher education is most crucial- especially to those who want to pursue a better career that offer a higher salary. Higher education is the most "effect and benignant (Mann 1)" method to help benefit ones career. Getting a higher education will not only benefit your career, but in the long run, it will also help benefit society. Horace Mann debated that education will help improve the overall structural aspect of society. So, that is why a higher education is an excellent path for those who want to practice a better career or for those that are looking to improve society.
If you seperate your paragaphs by an empty line then it's clearer & easier for everybody to read. In my opnion, higher education has not only advantages but also disadvantages.
1. Advantages:
- Gain knowledge
- Improve skills for getting a better job
- Widen vision
- Make us more competitive, especially in the current recession time
- Also, better degree
2. Disadvantages:
- Take our time
- Take our money
- Give up the current job & face risks
Although there are some difficulties to take the higher education, I always want to study more.
Do my ideas make sense?
Cheers,
Tuan.
