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IELTS TASK 2: Modern Stress - relating factors and potential measures


vincentfreeman 7 / 20 2  
Aug 29, 2014   #1
I would be very grateful if you could help me correct my essay in terms of cohesion and coherrent, as well as vocabulary. and If possible, can you mark my essay according to Ielts Band score

Topic: Stress is now a major problem in many countries around the world.
What are some of the factors in modern society that cause this stress, and how can we reduce it?


The modern society today sees the increasing problems related to stress such as heart disease and alzheirmer, as well as obesity, depression and anxiety. While there are many factors contributing to stress, there are also many feasible ways to limit its impacts.

As the world is getting more and more modern and developed, we are encountering many unprecedented problems. The constant work intensity gives us very less opportunities to relax, our time for holiday is getting shorter and shorter while time at work is increasing. The environmental pollution has presented us with many new unresolved diseases like alzheirmer, thus worsening our health not only physically but also mentally. There are also social issues to contend with, public relationships play an crucial role in attaining success in life, but it is very fatigued to keep a wide range of relationship properly. All of these concerns can result in stress.

Stress is not easy to be tackle, but there are some practicable measures to be taken. Firstly, we must keep a healthy lifesyle by having enough sleep, keeping away from alcohol and drugs, as well as doing exercises regularly. Secondly, a good and balanced diet would do wonders for you, it not only improves your health but also result in less worries about potential diseases. These two measures will enable you with a sound mind in a sound body. Finally, you must know your own limits, many people nowadays try their best to achieve triumph as other people do, they study and work in an exhausted way, just to be successful in life. Very few outstanding ones can go beyond their boundary, so just content with your own ability, otherwise you will find your health damaged.

In a nutshell, Stress is caused by many complicated factors and still remains unsolved but, as mentioned above, I strongly believe that we can diminish this problems steps by steps, the key to conquering it is up to your own ways of life.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Aug 29, 2014   #2
First of all, an opening statement should have at least 5 sentences in it. I suggest you lengthen the statement by creating an interesting hook for your essay. That will be the thesis that will drive the rest of the essay forward. As for the corrections that I see, you can refer to the list below.

The modern society today sees the increasing problems related to stress

...

there are also many feasible ways to limit its impacts .

As the worldis getting more and more modern and developed

- As the world gets more modern and developed...

we are encountering many unprecedented problems

- we encounter ...

The constant work intensity gives us very less opportunities to relax, our time for holiday is getting shorter and shorter while time at work is increasing.

- Our intense work schedule allows very little time for relaxation and holidays due to the ever increasing demands of our careers.

public relationships play an crucial role in attaining success in life, but it is very fatigued to keep a wide range of relationship properly. All of these concerns can result in stress.

- ... it is very tiring to keep a wide range of relationships

The environmental pollution has presented us with many new unresolved diseases like alzheirmer, thus worsening our health not only physically but also mentally.

- replace this sentence totally. Environmental pollution does not cause Alzeihmer's. Do not mention any topic that you are not an authority on. Use only topics that are common knowledge so that you will not need to document evidence to support your claims.

there are some practicable measures to be taken

- there are some practical measures that can be taken .

Firstly, we must keep a healthy lifesyle by having enough sleep

- We must keep a healthy lifestyle by getting enough sleep...

Secondly, a good and balanced diet would do wonders for you,

- A good and healthy...

it not only improves your health but also result in

- but also results in...

they study and work in anexhausted way

- in an exhausting way...

Very few outstanding ones can go beyond their boundary , so just content with your own ability,

- go beyond their boundaries , so just be content ...

but, as mentioned above, I strongly believe that we can diminish this problems steps by steps , the key to conquering it is up to your own ways of life.

- we can diminish these problems..

Now for the marking on this essay. If the highest band possible is 5, I would give it a 3 due to the numerous grammar problems and the lack of a coherent opening statement. Keep in mind, this is only my opinion and does not reflect the opinion of the official IELTS examiner.
OP vincentfreeman 7 / 20 2  
Aug 29, 2014   #3
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Your comment is very detailed, it is really useful for me as I can realize my numerous errors. Thanks you very much for helping me to improve my writing. I will try to mitigate my false and correct it. By the way, now it is Vietnamese Independence Day holiday so I wish you many happiness and health! Thanks once again for your enthusiastic assistance!


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