First of all, an opening statement should have at least 5 sentences in it. I suggest you lengthen the statement by creating an interesting hook for your essay. That will be the thesis that will drive the rest of the essay forward. As for the corrections that I see, you can refer to the list below.
The modern society today sees the increasing problems related to stress
...
there are also many feasible ways to limit its impacts .
As the worldis getting more and more modern and developed
- As the world
gets more modern and developed...
we are encountering many unprecedented problems
- we
encounter ...
The constant work intensity gives us very less opportunities to relax, our time for holiday is getting shorter and shorter while time at work is increasing.
- Our intense work schedule allows very little time for relaxation and holidays due to the ever increasing demands of our careers.
public relationships play an crucial role in attaining success in life, but it is very fatigued to keep a wide range of relationship properly. All of these concerns can result in stress.
- ... it is very tiring to keep a wide range of relationship
sThe environmental pollution has presented us with many new unresolved diseases like alzheirmer, thus worsening our health not only physically but also mentally.
- replace this sentence totally. Environmental pollution does not cause Alzeihmer's. Do not mention any topic that you are not an authority on. Use only topics that are common knowledge so that you will not need to document evidence to support your claims.
there are some practicable measures to be taken
- there are some
practical measures that
can be taken .
Firstly, we must keep a healthy lifesyle by having enough sleep
-
We must keep a healthy lifestyle by getting enough sleep...Secondly, a good and balanced diet would do wonders for you,
-
A good and healthy...
it not only improves your health but also result in
- but also result
s in...
they study and work in anexhausted way
- in an
exhausting way...
Very few outstanding ones can go beyond their boundary , so just content with your own ability,
- go beyond their
boundaries , so just
be content ...
but, as mentioned above, I strongly believe that we can diminish this problems steps by steps , the key to conquering it is up to your own ways of life.
- we can diminish
these problems..
Now for the marking on this essay. If the highest band possible is 5, I would give it a 3 due to the numerous grammar problems and the lack of a coherent opening statement. Keep in mind, this is only my opinion and does not reflect the opinion of the official IELTS examiner.