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If you could meet a famous entertainer or athlete (Michael Jordan)


answers: 3
Hi~ I wrote this essay in 30 mins, hope you can give me some advices.
Thanks a lot!!

If I have a chance to meet a famous person, I want to meet Michael Jordan, because I love playing basketball. Michael Jordan was a legend. His name represents the basketball. Here is my opinion:
First of all, when I was a kid, one day I watching basketball game on television. That was my first time to know Michael Jordan, and I was so shack. Michael Jordan has an amazing skill and a great attitude. Maybe, some people will say that he was just lucky to get his talent, but I believe he has done many practice on his skill. That was encourages me to do more practice on basketball, and show the skill in the game.
Second, Michael Jordan has done many record, He leads his team to win NBA champion many times. I love watching NBA. Michael Jordan always make me surprise, because his confidence and bravity. He never give up in the basket game, even his team almost lose. I learned the attitude to face many difficult situations. When I was depressing, I always thought his attitude, that give me confidence to solve the problems.
Third, although Michael Jordan was retired, but people never forgot his achieved. So many basketball players want to challenge his achieved, because he is a basketball legend. Though I am not a basketball player, but I always play basketball in my free time. Basketball is my favorite sport, and I never stop to play it.

In conclusion, of course, there are many great basketball players in NBA, but Michael Jordan is my favorite one. Hence, I want to meet Michael Jordan if I could.
Word Count: 271

Jun 23, 2010, 10:10am   #
Greetings! I would like to begin by complimenting you on supporting your answer. However, there are quite a lot of grammatical errors throughout this essay. Secondly, you should talk about how Michael Jordan had so many fans who idolize him because of his different characteristics, such as his leadership, undying persistence, and love for the game (not just his basketball skills). You could also have talked about his style of play. For an essay written in 30 minutes, you did a good job.
Nice work, Shih-han.

Your essay does what it's supposed to do. It poses a thesis and then supports it. And you have accomplished that nicely.
Grammar aside, I have only one issue with the content. You say in your thesis that you want to meet Michael Jordan because you play basketball. But, you see, according to your essay, that's not the real reason you want to meet that superstar. The real reason is that you admire him for a number of reasons which you discuss.
Do you see the difference?
Think about it for a moment - it will make sense to you.

Good work,

Tutor Phil
www.TutorPhilBlog.com
That is a good point made by Phil. It will be more powerful if you do not start by saying "I want to meet Michael Jordan, because I love playing basketball." Instead, say something like this:
I want to meet Michael Jordan, because I love playing basketball, and the way he plays basketball shows that he is ________, _________, and _________.
(Can you fill in the blanks with adjectives?)


First of all, when I was a kid, one day I was watching a basketball game on television. That was my first time being exposed to know Michael Jordan, and I was so shocked. Michael Jordan has ...

...he has completed many practice sessions to perfect his skill.

That was encourages me to do more practice on in basketball and show the skill in the game.
Second, Michael Jordan has done set many records. He led his team to win NBA champion many times. I love ...

:-)



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