Hi! I am writing for the Martin Luther King Jr. Essay Contest. The subject is the "Drum Major Instinct," it must be no more than 500 words and it must answer the question: How would you serve as a Drum Major for peace, justice, and righteousness in your community? Please help me, I am open for honest opinions and suggestions. I am new here so please BE NICE :).
Here it is:
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "Drum Major Instinct"
On February 4, 1968, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. spoke his very last sermon (as "I've Been on a Mountaintop" is his last speech) to the congregation of his church. The sermon contained instructions that Dr. King wanted people to say at his funeral or to tell others of the presence he had on this earth. That day he preached on the subject "The Drum Major Instinct". In the sermon Dr. King describes himself as being a "Drum Major" for justice, peace, and righteousness to name a few of the things that he stood for. Dr. King wanted everyone including his congregation to strive for greatness through service for others and love for ourselves and society.
Dr. King evoked his sermon by reading Mark 10:35-45 in the Holy Bible. In those verses, Jesus and his disciples are traveling to Jerusalem when James and John come to Jesus and request to sit on the right and left of him when he sits on his throne in the glorious kingdom. Jesus asks them if they would be willing to drink the cup of suffering and be baptized the same way that he has to. The two brothers agreed, Jesus then tells John and James that it is God's decision of who those places are reserved for. When the other ten disciples heard about the discussion between the three they became naturally infuriated.
Dr. King precedes his sermon by stating the brothers are making incredibly selfish requests of Jesus. He then reflects the passage on us by telling us that sometimes we are so self-centered, conceited, and preoccupied with ourselves that we let our egos get in the way of our hearts and have the desire to be first. This is how all humans drive their entire lives; this is the "Drum Major Instinct."
As I previously stated in the introduction, Dr. King was a different kind of "Drum Major"- He was one for all, he was a role model, he was altruistic, he was caring and gave African-Americans (like myself) freedom to be in the same restaurant as those of other races without being racially discriminated or repudiated. He was a "Drum Major" for absolutely everyone who had been violated and victimized by this epidemic that was going on at the time. HE was the voice of the people.
There are many ways that I will serve as a "Drum Major" for peace, justice, and righteousness in my school and community. I will promote peace by loving everyone who has been brought into my life regardless of the harm that they have placed (or are placing) upon me and companions. I will advertize righteousness by doing my best to set the greatest example possible for the fledging people in my community so that they would be inspired to do the same. I will endorse justice by treating others fairly and sharing my ideas in a kindly honest manner.
Make the essay more concise and try not to repeat yourself. Also look at the verb tenses and make sure they are in agreement. Here are a few suggestions:
periods should be inside of ""
take this out:
to name a few of the things that he stood for.
change:
by reading Mark 10:35-45 in the Holy Bible
by reading a passage in the Bible, Mark 10:35
put explanation of passage into past tense work on verb agreement
take this out:
As I previously stated in the introduction,
This sentence needs some work:
I would state some of his specific or general acomplishments.
He was one for all, he was a role model, he was altruistic, he was caring and gave African-Americans (like myself) freedom to be in the same restaurant as those of other races without being racially discriminated or repudiated.
Changed this a bit:
He was a "Drum Major" for absolutely everyone who had been violated and victimized by the epidemic that was going on at that time. Martin Luther King was the voice of the people.
