Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5


IELTS ESSAY: Many people are afraid to leave their homes because of the fear of crime.


gingerfly 1 / -  
Oct 15, 2014   #1
Topic: Many people are afraid to leave their homes because of the fear of crime. Some believe that more actions should be taken to prevent crime. Others feel that little can be done. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There has been a rise in serious crime in the area where people live recently.People are involved in the discussion about whether the crime can be prevented basically.The focus of this essay is on the causes of and solutions to this issue.

One important solution related to reduce crime is that the police take action to tackle the threat made against a frightened citizens. Certainly, it will be helpful for those who scared of being attacked if criminals are carried a particular punishment. It was because of weak supervision by local authorities and the poor security, the crime, such as robbery, assault, mugging etc, occurs frequently. There has been a sharp decrease in offense since a lawbreaker was sentenced to death.

On the other hand, the major criticism is that government which might have coped with the trouble is responsible for deterring crime. Moreover, it is impossible to eliminate problem as a consequence of a widening wealth gap.Owing to the gap between rich and poor is growing, the poor are always be there.For example, a person who was put in jail has no survival skills after being freed from jail, then he will return to a life of crime/ commit crimes at the second time.Therefore, crime would be eradicated even though the government promulgated relevant laws and regulations.

From a personal point of view, it is necessary to tighten the security with the help of neighborhood committees. For example, security forces remained on patrol until late into the night. In addition,the self-preservation consciousness of people needs to be raised. Schools have a responsibility to instruct children in practical self-defense techniques.

Please check my essay and tell me about my grammer mistakes.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 16, 2014   #2
There has been a rise in serious crime in the area where people live recently.People are involved in the discussion about whether the crime can be prevented basically.The focus of this essay is on the causes of and solutions to this issue.

- Ginger, your introduction is incomplete because it fails to mention that people are afraid to leave their homes because of their fear of crime. You need to add that information in order to make the introduction truly informative and complete. There was also a failure on your part to add your own point of view on the matter as you will be discussing it in the essay. You need to reformat the paragraph to include that information.

One important solution related to reduce crime is that the police take action to tackle the threat made against a frightened citizens. Certainly, it will be helpful for those who scared of being attacked if criminals are carried a particular punishment. It was because of weak supervision by local authorities and the poor security, the crime, such as robbery, assault, mugging etc, occurs frequently. There has been a sharp decrease in offense since a lawbreaker was sentenced to death.

- You need to discuss the other point of view as well. The view that the crime rate will not change regardless of whether the death penalty is implemented or not. So you should work on building up this discussion paragraph. Reflect that point of view. Don't forget, the essay prompt specifically asks you to discuss both sides of the matter.

On the other hand, the major criticism is that government which might have coped with the trouble is responsible for deterring crime.

- What you have here is an under developed paragraph that needs to be built upon in order to give it more reason and meaning. Instead, you chose to jump to another reason within the essay, which you also left without much discussion development from both points of view.

From a personal point of view, it is necessary to tighten the security with the help of neighborhood committees. For example, security forces remained on patrol until late into the night. In addition,the self-preservation consciousness of people needs to be raised. Schools have a responsibility to instruct children in practical self-defense techniques.

- This is a weak personal point of view that does not take both sides of the issue into consideration in your opinion. You, as the main speaker of the essay, must have the loudest opinion on both topics. Let it be heard.

Ginger, while the essay does have a number of grammatical errors and sentence structure problems, those cannot be addressed until you fix the content or theme of the paper. Complete that revision first and when done, we will address the grammar issues already. It is senseless to fix the structure and grammar of the essay if your theme is under developed and ill discussed. It defeats the purpose of a revision.
zjxhz 5 / 14 2  
Oct 19, 2014   #3
Generally, topic sentences are missing in the main(2nd and 3rd) paragraphs. The last paragraph should contain your conclusion without adding new ideas.
fionaleeeee 2 / 17  
Oct 20, 2014   #4
There has been a rise in serious crime in the area where people live recently.People are involved in the discussion about whether the crime can be prevented basically.The focus of this essay is on the causes of and solutions to this issue.

i guess you may want to talk about your point of view in the first paragraph to compete it as Vangiespen said!
Vns9x 102 / 236 16  
Oct 20, 2014   #5
Your conclusion looks like an introduction. In fact, never write from my point of view in conclusion.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: Many people are afraid to leave their homes because of the fear of crime.
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳