hi, all,
Here is my essay practice, could you help check it, I will be very appreciate if you could give me more elegant present for any sentences in my essay, thanks in advance.
Topic:
Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more influence on your personality and development than any experiences we may have in our life.
Which do you consider to be the major influence?
My essay:
At present, one of the most controversial topics is the question whether "nature" or "nurture" influences our personality and development most. Some people believe it is the traits inherited from parents that decide what we would be in the adulthood, while others dispute that it is the experience we obtain from the society to build our lives. Let us examine these two points of view before presenting my opinion.
The people who consider the characteristics we are born with as major influence in our development, would argue that both physical features and human intelligence are decided by DNA. What is meant by this is that before we come into the world, all the features of ours, such as the color of our skin and hair, what we would look like and our heights, are already defined by genes in DNA. For instance, genes decide black people are born with greater power, speed and explosive than other species, that is why they win the most championship in race in Olympic Games.
That may sounds ideal theoretically, however, other people would point out that what distinguishes animals and human beings is the society. Individuals can not live alone away the society in which both our personality and development are both formed. Therefore, the experiences we may have in our lives would influence us most. For example, a scientist ever conducted an experiment in which he separates two male twins into different countries to check how circumstance can affect individuals. After twenty years, he found twins speaking different languages and having developed distinguishing habits.
After checking arguments above, we can safely reach to our conclusion: although the abilities we are born with may affect our lives a bit, the experience we gain from society would influence us most, since we are all social creatures.
At present, one of the most controversial topics is the question of whether "nature" or "nurture" influences our personality and development most. -----This is the way to use "whether" as your way of naming the issue. The topic is a question about whether the answer is in nature or nurture.
Use a colon here:
... checking arguments above, we can safely reach to our conclusion: although the abilities we are born with my affect our life a bit, the experience we gain from society would influence us most, since we are all social creature.
:-)
Looking good!
I would do it this way:
Let us examine these two points of view before I present my opinion.
The people who consider the characteristics we are born with as major influences in our development would argue that ...I took out an unnecessary comma.
For example, a scientist ever conducted ?? what do you mean here?
For example, a scientist can conduct an experiment in which he...
:-)
